Friday, April 11, 2008

Orazio Needs Michael Moore

Nobody Flashes: Usually on Saturdays, I take a day off from writing, and then I saw this picture...and even though I am so tempted to compare this cat with Rosie O'Donnell...

I'm not going to do it.

I will remain silent.

Only a Doug Powers could do this picture the justice it deserves. All I know is the cat's name is Orazio, she lives in Italy, and nobody gets in front of her when she eats...

Not even Michael Moore. BUT... if Micheal was smart he'd do a movie about the horrible health care system in Italy for cats.

It's about time Micheal takes on more serious social problems--- like just what kind of hormones are in this cat's milk? Why does it not have pet insurance? And wouldn't you say that there might be a case for abuse here? Michael?-- Michael?

Oh, that's YOUR cat? Sorry Michael, but yes, you're right. I do see the resemblance. Sorry.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

Nobody Admits: Men ARE Superior

Nobody’s Opinion; If you are a man reading this you might find this title a bit humorous, because you have known all along that you are superior to women in every way---right? And yet those pesky women keep insisting that just because men have had some brilliant moments…like the Hoover Damn, the Eiffel Tower, the Stealth Bomber, the bon-bon, and the cell phone, that doesn’t make men superior necessarily…sound familiar?

How many women have you heard lately say that they can run a business just as well as a man, raise a dozen kids alone, fly a jet, and save a man from total embarrassment every single time they get lost on the highway? Not only that, but men are clueless when it comes to just about every simple thing on the planet, according to women.

Even my divorced neighbor brags that she could nail a hog with a bow and arrow from fifty feet, something her big burly x-husband couldn’t do.

Well, no more. Next time some feminists starts ragging you about equality, remind them of that great secret that you have been keeping from them all---

Men dig great tunnels. Women have never, ever, nor will they ever…dig a tunnel like a man. Go ahead, challenge them. No contest. She would not break even a nail.

Yes, I too have been known to let out a great cacophony of equality issues until last week when I watched the History Channel’s series called Cities of the Underworld. I had no idea what digging fools men were, because until now, they have kept this remarkable feat that only a man can do, a great secret.

No big deal.

Men just kneel down, and start digging…and keep digging, and keep digging, sweating, slaving, until…they reach China. Oh sure, what they’ve done above ground is pretty impressive, but nothing compares to their digging talents.

They have dug a channel under an ocean for God’s sake. France and England now connect by underwater superhighway. Think of the effort that took. I have trouble even digging holes for my petunias!

Men dig huge tunnels that go for hundreds of miles, just to try to break open tiny little things none of us can see.

Building the pyramids wasn’t enough; men dug tunnels into the pyramids just to hide some dead pharaoh who did not want all the men he made slave and build the pyramid for him, get to his body.

Al Capone dug whole underground tunnels to run his liquor and prostitutes. Whole streets in Chicago are still underground to hide politicians and give Oprah Winfrey nightly access to Macy’s.

Who knew? I didn’t. I mean, when were they going to tell us?

Our founding fathers too, had underground tunnels throughout Boston to hide from the British…the National Treasure might be real! Someone should send Bruce Willis down to drill!

While watching the series, all I could think of was how did men do these great feats and still hide the dirt? It’s clear to me now why men refuse to dust the house.

Did Hitler go to his mountaintop retreat when the end was coming? No! He went to his underground complex and had dinner parties. And speaking of great leaders going underground…

Russia, courtesy of Al Gore, who kept giving Russia billions of dollars when he was Vice President, built a huge bunker in a mountain not far from Moscow, already supplied for millions in case of a nuclear war. So did China. So did we….wait. Our politicians have dug fabulous, deep caverns for them and their families, just in case all the tunnels (okay, let’s be practical here) under our borders let in shady characters. There have been rumors of construction going on for years under the new Colorado airport. People have seen whole elephants go down and not come out.

But…it’s all a big secret.

And New York has so many tunnels running underneath it, if I lived there I’d make friends with a good Sandhog and start stocking some deep underground cave with beer, soda, and cell phones. Must have a cell phone, which I learned, were invented by the Jews.

It seems all this digging started with the Jews. All this time I thought the reason Jerusalem lasted as long as it did was because they were God’s chosen people. Turns out, that’s not quite true. King Herod built himself a grand palace over the town’s only water supply, and lots of nifty long tunnels to hold off the Romans. His men would run around under ground and just pop up anywhere to knock them off. (A defense idea the Japanese stole.) I wouldn’t doubt Moses had a digging crew that he hid behind his tents at night, who dug up water, and then told his followers it was actually God who gave it to him.

Yes, men are such super moles, they have dug for gold, diamonds, coal, and oil---just not in America

And by the way…how long was underground Disneyworld kept secret?

Yes, men are truly remarkable, if I were a man, I would be bragging at every opportunity.

The good news is that in evolutionary terms, I think this is proof that men have not evolved from monkeys. Really, when was the last time you saw a monkey dig a hole?

This series did it for me. I have always assumed that men and women were like oranges and apples…both equal, not comparable. It behooves me to no end to admit it finally and inequitably---men are vastly superior.

But having said this, when it comes to women guys, in all matters---I suggest you just keep that superiority secret, or the hole you will be digging will be one you might not come out of.

After all, someday all that digging is going to make you sore, and women can do one thing men can’t.

And that’s another blog.


Wednesday, April 09, 2008

When In Doubt, Cover With Diamonds

Nobody Flashes Anymore:

Here we have a diamond covered golf ball, and a diamond covered putter.

So, tell me...if you couldn't afford both, which one would you choose?

Of course you'd choose the putter, unless of course you're Tiger Woods and never lose a ball.

In fact, Tiger Woods probably owns a few of these babies.

All you need is a diamond-studied putting green to go with it.

Somewhere in Dubia....There is a match going on right now...

The real question is---how many games of golf could you play if you sold the diamonds? How many lobster dinners could you afford?

How many trips to Las Vegas?

Okay, who wants to talk about politics? Me neither.


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Who's In YOUR Green Shower?

Nobody’s Opinion: Picture this: It’s in the near future. It’s six am, somewhere in Arizona.

A young beautiful woman takes off her clothes. She steps into her shower. She turns on the water. She gets her long blond hair wet. This of course takes about two minutes, any less and the shampoo would not lather. Lathering up her hair takes about three minutes. She rinses her hair, and grabs her Ultra-Volume “sure to give you big hair, therefore putting that perm off another week” conditioner.

The conditioner has to stay on for three minutes, so she grabs her purple washing mitt, and fills it with the scented lavender liquid body soap that she got at the dollar store, thereby making herself feel very smart.

She lathers up her body, making sure that she gets every single spot clean just in case…she gets in a car accident.

With her head tilted back, she lets out a soft “aaaah” while feeling the hot, invigorating water stream down her back. She gets ready to rise off, and then….

The water shuts off.


Because due to Al Gore’s new “green” revolution, water is now being controlled by your loving government. You have exactly ten minutes to take your morning shower.

The girl is left standing in the shower, completely covered with soap. Her hair is matted up in greasy conditioner, and she hasn’t even had time to use those little plastic balls of face scrub to save her from the fate of flaking dead face cells, which are sticking to yesterday’s makeup like grease on an old catcher’s mitt.

The shower water will not turn back on until after five o’clock.

In another part of Arizona, another beautiful woman gets undressed. She takes off her clothes. Her husband has built her a shower right outside their bedroom by their outdoor pool. It’s ten a.m. and she has no fear that her shower will just turn off. She spends about twenty minutes enjoying the powerful water-jets message, gets out, jumps in the pool, does two laps, gets out of the pool then steps back into the shower. Her husband comes out to join her. He helps her wash her… back.

This takes twenty minutes.

While he is… washing her back… the sprinkler systems turn on watering the flower garden that surrounds the pool.

Her rich husband can enjoy his whole water-infested home because he planted some trees in Indonesia.

Sound like a fairy tale? Really?

A 2003 federal report found that 36 states expect statewide water shortages in the next decade, and with the continuous arrival of millions of future illegal aliens, it’s bound to get worse.

So, little by little we are being conditioned to accept the inevitable “greening” of the earth. And among this new “save our planet” global crusade will be water-rationing.

Our politicians, on their serious mission to save the “planet,” have decided to start with the United States. Because people will not give up their nasty wasteful habits of taking showers whenever they want, watering their gardens, washing their cars, and building swimming pools…our elite leaders will just have to pass strict laws of water-rationing.

Of course, they don’t want to give up their “pursuits of happiness” so they’ve invented the concept of “carbon-credits” to shut up the poor and dirty huddled masses.

Reprogramming the minds of Americans will take more than just one multi-million dollar propaganda blitz. Newt Gingrich, that bulwark of conservative American patriotism, is going to help Al Gore deliver it.

The word “green” will be used in every magazine, every schoolbook, every TV sitcom, every commercial, and probably even divorce papers.

And you’re very “green” if you don’t see what’s happening.

Our “rulers” create big problems, then come in with big government solutions to make them look like the saviors they want you to think they are. And behind every green “savior” is a political billionaire heavily invested in new “green” product companies.

Of course our behavior is already being manipulated by force. The raising price of gas, forced on us, we are told, by “market forces”--- have given Congress the power to take over our food supply in the name of “energy,” and force everyone into smaller European cars---where we can be killed much quicker.

This step has horrendously affected our food prices….next---it’s our water.

And when a government has complete control of a people’s consumption of water, food, energy, and health care…you’ve got a government with no fear.

Not good---almost as bad as standing in line at Auschwitz waiting for that hot shower.

So ask yourself next time you hear that dripping faucet at three in the morning, or when you buy that bottle of water because you’re afraid to drink water out of your tap---

What is the real reason that Congress has not developed our many American oil fields, or allowed new refineries or nuclear energy to be built in decades, or continued to keep our borders wide open even at the catastrophic expense of all of us running out of the very water we need to survive?

If you came to the same conclusion as I have, then go take a long, cool shower.----you’re going to need it.


Monday, April 07, 2008

Hillary Saves BIGFOOT

Nobody Flashes Anymore:

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton was giving one of her famous talks on her campaign trail to becoming the first woman President in American history, and at the end of her very exciting speech she told one of her poignant and pregnant-filled memories, one of particular great bravery and daring.

Once upon a time, while the current President George W. Bush was in Iraq killing helpless Iraq's and terrorists, in this great country of ours, she said--- the famous legendary BIGFOOT got sick. He was in dire need of medical help, so he went to a local hospital.

Because BIGFOOT had no insurance, he was turned away. As you can see from this picture...he wandered into the surrounding forest to die.

Besides, he couldn't even fit through the front door, being as the hospital had not made the proper preparations for just this event.

Clearly, this should not happen in our United States of America, and Hillary found it deplorable.

Immediately upon hearing of this outrage, Hillary sent five hundred of her personal body guards, 2,000 troops, and Monica Lewinsky to find BIGFOOT and put him on a stretcher.

But BIGFOOT, did not want to go anywhere. In fact, he was pretty upset that all these years people had made fun of him, and because of our trade policies, he couldn't even find work.

Not to mention, he'd like to go to Disneyland.

So, the brave and fearless Hillary came to his rescue, with free universal health care. She sent in Jimmy Carter to build him a house around him, complete with a swimming pool the size of ten football stadiums where he could bath. Oprah came in and supplied him with a year's supply of free food. Bill Clinton made sure that all his energy needs were supplied by solar power. Bill Gates donated a giant X-BOX, with the latest video games.

But the best end to the story was this; When BIGFOOT feels better, he will be Hillary's guest, on a boat built just for go with Hillary when she goes to China....

Because it was in China, on one of her many important missions around the world, that she was once almost stepped on by a female BIGFOOT, who was shooting at her with two heavy cannons, one in each hand, narrowly escaping death.

Of course, after telling this story, there were people in the audience that thought she made it all up just to get everyone to understand just how badly we are in need universal health care, and a loving woman President.

But I don't, because this time...Hillary left her footprint.

And if you believe this, then I suggest you change your medication, because you're going to need it if she manages to become President.

Remember, it's not over til' Obama's mother sings "Sweet Chariot."


Sunday, April 06, 2008

With Guns in Hand

Nobody’s Opinion: Due to the fact that Charles Heston has passed away, my usual Monday rant will take a break for these few word.

An American Moses—Charles Heston

Sometime in the last reign of Bill Clinton’s Presidency, I remember feeling particularly frustrated at life. My son had just showed up first day of his senior year all excited, then…beyond all belief, he was told he could not come in.

Go home, they said. He could not attend at all without a doctor’s permission.

There was no trial. He did nothing wrong. His only crime was that he had been sick, and a plethora of doctors could not figure out what was wrong. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that a school could just “not allow” a student to come into its halls, especially when he had committed no crime.

I felt like I was in a Kafka novel. Yes, my son was kicked out of high school for the crime of being sick and not knowing what he had--- literally.

At the same time, over twelve hundred African-American students who did not even live in our school district were allowed to attend---illegally may I add.

The school had ruined my son’s future, and could have cared less.

Let me note here that we found out later my son had a rare sleeping disorder...but because so many of the kids were on drugs, I suppose they just thought he was a drug addict, even though he was tested and found completely clean.

This was my first big wake up call to our horrible school system, and the many fascist administrative bureaucrats who work in them. I went through hell trying to protest this unfair decision.

If I went to the media I was told, my son would suffer. From what I said? He had never been in trouble at school for anything. He had no police record. What could they possibly say? To me the world had turned upside down. What had happened? When did America become Russia?

Then one afternoon during this troubling time, while in my car, I heard a recording of Charles Heston on Rush Limbaugh’s afternoon radio program. He was speaking from something he had written. He was talking to all Americans, and he spoke from his big loving heart, which was clearly, like mine---breaking.

He spoke what all true Americans were thinking. Mostly it was about political correctness and how he felt that he couldn’t even speak the truth anymore, even to his friends. What had happened to his country?

No one up to that point had said it so succinctly.

Like most Americans, I had grown up watching all of his great acting roles, and it was no doubt that in that department; Charles Heston is and will remain, a legend for all time.

But it wasn’t that great voice that moved me so that afternoon…no, it was his words that moved me to tears. To hear a man speak with such outstanding courage was almost alien. An American Moses was facing the great storm from the mountaintop.

Why weren’t all our men speaking out like this, I thought? My God--- finally: a lone brave voice speaking out against this liberal takeover of America.

And go figure, it was a Hollywood star.

I was so completely overtaken with emotion…I had to pull off the road.

Not much later, I was watching with my dear mother that famous moment on TV, when Mr. Heston lifted up his gun and said, “Out of my cold dead hands!”

My mother and I were both crying for sheer joy, because we had seen such changes to our dear beloved country with the Clintons, who were, as far as we were concerned, just about the evilest couple since Bonnie and Claude.

That opinion has not changed.

I was so moved by that speech, I wrote Mr. Heston a letter.

A few months later I received his answer retyped below;

Dear Madame,

I must apologize for this tardy response to your December letter; please forgive me. My correspondence simply gets away from me time to time.
I deeply appreciate hearing from someone who loves this country, our liberty, our forefathers and our freedom the way I do. If I’ve said even a one word that has meant something to you, I’m humbled and touched. Thanks for writing me so generously and for sharing your story with me.
I promise I’ll never give up on this country and trust you won’t either. May God Bless America and all of us, too.

Charles Heston.

Well, my family told me it was a form letter, but I didn’t care because his words matched what I heard that day. This beloved letter hangs on my wall in my office…a reminder that sometimes all it takes is one brave soul to shout the truth, to lead the way for the rest of us.

Charles Heston was a great American Moses in real life. We were all lucky that God blessed us with his grace, presence, tremendous talent, and American inspiration.

Mr. Heston, we salute you forever, with American guns in hand.

May we all be worthy.