Thursday, November 30, 2006

Gaia, Al Gore, The Weather, and Dolly Parton

Nobody’s Opinion; While the Supreme Court is taking nonsensical deliberations on whether the United States should be forced to sign the Kyoto Toyota agreement: While Gaia’s inventor--- the guy who thought up the concept that the earth is a single living organism… is saying that due to global warming we are doomed to die a horrible death and that China’s people will have to move to Siberia: While Al Gore dons his late night mask of half comedian future Oscar winner Earth savior on Jay Leno--- here in St. Louis, it got up to almost 80 degrees today.

Tomorrow, we are told that it will ice, and then snow, and as soon as the snow collects one half of an inch, we will have power outages.

Yes, now our local weather man is predicting electric power outages, due to one inch of snow and some ice.

I sure it’s due to global warming even though it will be freezing outside.

Having just finished putting up all my outside Christmas lights, I find this disconcerting, because, darn it, I worked really hard on my decorations. I can proudly say that my house looks about as close to a Santa’s whorehouse as you can get.

It’s so gaudy, I just might get some fake boobs and dress up as Dolly Parton in a red Mrs. Santa’s Clause outfit (With miniskirt AND red underwear, Brittany.) and stand outside the front door and say “ALL are welcomed…cross over…All are welcomed. Come right in and see…we have elves, and whiskey, and the inside is even gaudier! ”

I might even break into my Dolly Parton imitation, and sing “I will always love YOOOOOOUUU….(Talks) And I hope life will treat you reeeeeeal kind, and I hope that you have ALLLLLL that you ever dreamed of!” Then push up my fake boobs.

This was always a big crowd pleaser when I was working.

Hey, I love Dolly. She’s right up there with Elvis.

And if you’ve ever read her biography, you would wonder why in the world this nobody was shocked, just shocked to hear just how much Dolly Parton loves Sex. Why, it was God that let Dolly know she was a sex goddess…in the little chapel near her little humble home in the Rocky Top Mountains, when she was down on her knees praying. (Where she now has a heliport)

I found this revelation by Dolly rather touching.

I was also shocked to hear that she once tried to dig a hole through the earth clear to China. Okay…she was only about eight.

I can’t pick on Dolly because when my family first moved up north from Naples, Florida, I was almost fourteen. When the trees started losing their leaves, I actually thought the trees were dying. And since I was such an emotional girl, I was having a hard time watching this event.

I could not for the life of me, figure out why no one was saying a thing about this sad and tragic loss of beauty.

Gaia was dying all around me, and NO one around me seemed to be too upset about this event but me. I wasn’t stupid enough to ask anyone the simple question “Why are all the leaves falling off the trees?” thereby showing how ignorant I really was.

No, I did the smart thing when one is complexly clueless… I decided not to mention it.

Somehow, no one, not my parents, or any school, or book, or science class, or teacher for all my years had ever mentioned that trees lose their leaves in fall. In fact, I was completely unaware of the changing of the seasons. This is what is happening to this moment to Al Gore.

Yes, Gaia has a friend in me. I still get a little sad in October. (I feel for ya, Al)

But…back to the electrical grid. I’m not worried about the power losses because we have a judge that leaves on our street…just two doors down…and he’s a black judge.

Therefore, the whole city might be dark, but we will have light, or Jesse Jackson will be crying discrimination against black Judges.

I was out with a friend today, and we were talking like two old sows sitting on the porch, (but I was really taking her to pick up coffee at Wal-Mart which is pretty near the same thing) and we were reminiscing about the great snow we had here in St Louis in 1982.

In fact, I had a job that night, (a gig, so to speak) and when we came out around three am in the morning, after packing up all the equipment, none of the band could find our cars. In fact, the whole city of St. Louis was buried…in over 22 inches of snow. It was days before we could even dig them out.

This was before Dennis Quaid was even born.

This is the kind of lovely weather that people in places like Fargo and Buffalo are used to.

Some scientists think we are going into an ice age, and actually this makes more sense than global warming.

This nobody thinks Gaia is just going through menopause. She is just getting hot flashes. Sometime not too long ago, she tilted on her axis a little after having a little too much too much sun.

All the big guys know this, but they love a good scam. Especially when they can make billions off weather manipulation.

Women are just like the weather, stick around long enough, and it all changes.

Yes, there is a lot of money to be made in the fluctuations of Gaia’s PMSing.

I certainly don’t agree with Al Gore and Mr. Gaia that soon, most people on the earth will die…unless they just happen to drive by my house over the holidays, and my giant blow-up puppy falls on them.

In fact, Al should leave Tipper and run away with Gaia...wait…he’s already done that?

Well, somebody hook him up with Dolly and get him off our backs.

Nobody’s Perfect; Brittany Spears, it was reported by just about every male on the planet, was evidently very hot today. And although, she dances very well, she is no Dolly Parton. Having a baby has obviously melted some brain cells.

Nobody’s Knows; Why Colin Powell today gave a speech at a world business forum in DUBAI to our friends the United Arab Emirates and said that Bush was wrong, Iraq was in a civil war. He also said we should reach out to our Muslim friends.

Ok Colin…as soon as they reach out to us.

You gotta love his timing.

Nobody Cares: Weather reporting has taking on a whole new persona. Now, at the least little sign of snow, or rain, or really anything, they make it sound like a murder is being committed, details at nine!

In fact, it’s an alert with every broadcast. It’s a wonder any of us leave the house at all. The way they reported the “ice” and half inch of snow coming tomorrow you would have thought that the end of life as we know it might just happen if we get…ice.

In the old days, before all this “propaganda” the news man would simply say;

Tomorrow we might get a little ice, be careful folks on the overpasses, and we might get some snow flurries, but hey, a little snow would be fun!”

They would have never even dared to mention power outages.

But then again, this was before Home Depot, Lowe’s, Al Gore, and Gaia.

Personally, I think Home Depot should give all the weathermen a cut, and Dolly Parton should come over to my house for Christmas.

I’m sure the neighbors would prefer the real boobs.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

How Many Ex-Presidents Does It Take To Screw In a Light Bulb?

Nobody’s Opinion; Tonight, as I was listening to Jimmy the peanut Carter ostracizing for a whole hour it seemed on CNN about how vicious the Jews were, how they were stealing land from the Palestinians, depriving these poor people from food, water, housing, all for the greed of a few Jews, I was amazed that the man would not be called up for being an anti-Semite.

He sounded like the reincarnation of a Nazi general. Jimmy Carter, by all accounts and his own words, blames the Jews for all the problems in the Middle East.

Maybe he was drinking the same tequila at the same bar with Mel.

He gets by with it because he has that innocent southern face.

It seems if you reach the pinnacle of becoming a United States President, you are pardoned from anything. Unless of course, you happened to be named George W. Bush.

What is it with these X-Presidents?

There used to be a protocol where X-Presidents just went back to their home towns and kept their mouths shut. Most Americans liked it that way. Sure, it was hard on their egos to give up all that power, and trips on Air Force One…but, they were SUPPOSE to believe in the system.

It was the American way we were most proud of. Serve your term and hand power over to the next guy. That WAS the big point in the Constitution…to keep power from getting entrenched. The founders did not want all these X-Presidents running around.

And while Jimmy was talking, flashing by below him was the announcement that Daddy Bush was going to go to Mexico to represent the Untied States and be there for the inauguration of the New Mexican President.

To reassure that everything goes as plan with the merging of the two countries.

Hopefully, he will not eat the tacos.

What do they do? Do all the X- Presidents get together and say things like “Hey, I’ll handle Jordan; you take the guy in Mexico. George, you go take a trip, and send your father down to handle the negotiations in Mexico. Jimmy will get on CNN and get us back into the democratic peace talks?”

“Oh, and by the way, make sure Bill gets to Tony Blair birthday party. “

And has anyone noticed how OLD these guys are? What is Jimmy…in his eighties?

Can’t we set a retirement age for them?

And can we PLEASE stop calling them all---Mr. President?

There is only ONE President. When they are out of office they should be called Mr. Carter, and Mr. Clinton, and Mr. Ford…or Former President Numbers…42, 43...etc.

Or hey you…for all that they’ve done to us.

BUT the name Mr. President should be reserved for only one…the one serving.

I don’t know why this bugs me, but it does.

We hear today that Bill Clinton came in above his wife in popularity for running for President. Just the fact that he was included on the list shows how much the office of the Presidency is turning into the old men’s’ club for rulers who can’t let go of power.

But, subliminally, when Hillary finally gets her party’s nomination, in order to get elected, Bill will be seen much more than she will.

He will actually be elected again, through his wife, or as he once said, “Vote for one, and get two.”

Jimmy Carter will then get some kind of cabinet position.

I can see it all now; they need to create a huge Armageddon in the Middle East, so that when Hillary is elected, Bill Clinton will be sent over to broker a peace deal with Jimmy Carter at his side. They will then “save” the earth from destruction.

Not only can these men not get out of the sixties, both Clinton and Carter are just dying to get back to brokering the peace in the Middle East, something neither one of them were good at, even though they got a shot.

Bill would then finally get his Nobel Peace Prize, and then we will all be nuked. Marshal Law will come about, and Hillary and Bill will rule forever, maybe even alternating with the Bush family.

The one thing that is consistence about the Democrats is--- you can be sure that whatever it is that they accuse the Republicans of, they are doing.

It always works.

Well, what to do? I say, if there are power hungry men trying to manipulate a new world communist order, a one world government…

Then we’d better make sure we the people develop the plans for it first.

I say the first rule we make is, term limits for all, and permanent retirement forever.

Nobody’s Perfect; Hillary has one very big hit against her. All the democratic top leaders: Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Al Gore….were southerners. It makes them more likable, and that down home sweet southern charm helps them get elected.

Hillary couldn’t be southern if she tried. I bet she gets Edwards to run as VP. Or Wesley Clark, who will probably move to Mississippi.

Look for Hillary to acquire a southern accent.

Nobody Knows;
Just how much these X-Presidents are staying fit for so long. They clearly expect, by the way they act, to live beyond 150 years old.

Nobody Cares; Even if Bill Clinton lives to be that old, he will still insist he was very proud to be impeached, because he was protecting the Constitution. By that time, everyone will believe him, the ones who know better will be dead.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Hoodwinking The Clitoris

Nobody’s Opinion; Tonight, as my husband and I were watching some goofy movie on TV…I was thinking how I hardly remembered what it was like to be single. Although I didn’t get married the first time until I was twenty-seven, and was a single parent for over fourteen years, (This is my second marriage.) those days seemed SO long ago.

This thought came after getting a call from my doctor who told me the results of my hormonal balances, which he said were “normal.”

But I asked…by whose standards? His or mine? No woman I know has ever had a single day of normal hormonal balance in her life, and mine have personally broken records.

The older I get, the more I realized that hormones rule us all. The hypothalamus is King. We can try to deny that ugly fact as much as we want, but it’s true.

Men are always horny…And women want to have babies. What are you going to do? Analyze it forever?

And just a few minutes ago as I was reading Marc H. Rudove’s column on MND called; How to Lure a Golddigger, I was amazed, as I have always been, at reading about just how many men are frustrated with women.

The testosterone levels were dripping off my computer. I almost needed a Kleenex.

There were MANY remarkable statements in this article that I had never known before…for instance, “If you wine and dine a woman, you will attract women who fake their orgasms.”

Really? So what happens if she fakes an orgasm and you HAVEN”T wined and dined her, but picked her up at Wal-Mart in the shoe department and went outside and made it in the parking lot? What does that make you? A failure?

Here is another remarkable observation made by Marc; “Woman have children out of wedlock to get child support.”

I wish he’d be more specific. This would ONLY work if the guy is making LOADS of money.

Here in the nobody land of the lower middle class, I find that most of the woman make just as much money, if not more then the men. We are talking of course about the lower middle classes who do not have college degrees. She would not need child support.

So, I think it would help if we get this color class thing going real quick for the different classes, so that the men, who make BIG money, can pick his sexual conquests from a class over his head. He needs rich girls, to solve his problem, not better clitoral techniques on poor girls who can’t support herself and her out-of wedlock kid.
I suggest having them (sexual maybe’s) fill out an application form.

Hopefully he explains this in his book. which I suggest we all need to read.

In my day, when turtles walked the earth freely, sometimes when a woman wanted to get pregnant it had something to do with the biological clock ticking.

In this day and age, with so many men scared to death of woman out for their money, women figure their odds of getting someone to actually marry them were about as likely as them getting invited to a ride on the space shuttle alone with Tom Cruise.

Therefore having at least a KID to love her in her lifetime was better than nothing. Going down to the courthouse, and trying to find our where Daddy has moved this month is a wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Then again, Marc does have a good point on some issues.

I remember going through a time when I wanted to have a kid so badly it became an obsession. I had decided that NO man would ever love me enough to marry me, and like the Monarch butterfly that somehow finds their way from Canada to Mexico, woman WILL find a man to have sex with when her hormones are in full throttle.

She has NO idea what is driving her to this insanity.

Anyway, I went out to find a specimen donor for my eggs. I did find one. He was good-looking, artistic, and most importantly, he spook English. I really didn’t even want him to know about my plans; I just liked his painting…which were not even close to my clitoris.

Luckily, I came to my senses after I met him and found out not only was he good-looking, but he thought so as well.

Not a desirable trait for my future kid. Brains WERE important. I was saved by my own logic, which overruled my fermenting and throbbing life cycles.

Marc, who by all definitions is a real somebody as an established author, has thought up a very clever title to a book for men called, “Under the Clitoral Hood; How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze, or Jumper Cable.”

Actually, jumper cables sound kind of exciting.

I sure do intend to read the book, because I can’t imagine that many men not knowing what makes woman tick.

But, by the end of the column it seemed to be that men think as long as they are good at sex, a woman will never, ever leave them…on the contrary, the woman will adore them forever and ask nothing in return. The guy who is good at sex will not have to part with any money, but get to keep every dime for himself.

He will never have to buy a zillion video games for kids he never gets to see, thereby leaving more for his own collection.

Anyway, I think that was the conclusion that most of the men come up with.

There was another statement that said, “Men have fewer rights than woman. Why? The Males gave them those rights.”

Whew! Where have I been! Living in a married dream world…no connection to the reality of how badly the men are suffering.

One last thing…Marc says that matadormats (His clever word for rich guys flaunting money.) use money to compensate for their inabilities to communicate and fornicate. They are basically and sadly insecure.

Somehow, I’m having trouble picturing Paul McCartney and Donald Trump as suffering from insecurities.

Anyway, I loved reading about all the gold-diggers out to get men. I’m certain these men have got a good handle on the problem.

My experience as a woman are so far opposite of a man’s I could ONLY look at it from my hormonal point of view, which thanks to mother nature is about as far removed from a man’s that the answers to what makes a man fall for a gold-digger and spend all his money is just about as silly as contemplating why woman are suckers for flowers and “Sleepless In Seattle.”

Still, as a woman, I would write a book in answer to Marc’s and say, “If You HAVE to Crank the Engine, Get Out Of The Car.”

You don’t have to even go near the clitoris to make a girl love you and go out with you, and be faithful to you…all you need is love, and “normal” hormones---at least, if you are looking for a sensible life-time partner. And if you aren’t doing that, then better invest in some real nice jumper cables.

Nobody’s Perfect; I just heard that Pamela Anderson is divorcing Kid Rock. This means, that although she is suppose to be about the most perfect sexual experience on the planet, the guys still leave her…which leaves the door open for Marc.

If I were him, I’d send her a copy of his book.

Nobody Knows: There is a book called “101 Lies Men Tell Women and Why Women Believe Them” by Dory Hollander, Ph.D. She did many tests on “lies” from both men and women and came to the conclusion that men lie all the time, and never gives it a thought or feel bad about doing it, whereas when women lie, it will haunt them forever.

Having said that, I wonder if we can blame this on the hypothalamus? If so, I suggest we operate.

Nobody Cares; Hopefully, the wonderful readers on MND will not take anything I have said “personally” as due to a “hormonal” episode tonight, I just wanted to have some fun. As usual, I’m just “opining.”

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Nobody's Absurdities, No.28

Nobody’s Opinion; As I write this tonight, I wonder where President Bush is at the moment. It seems since his party lost the elections, he has been ordered to go around the world by Congress and fraternized with world leaders. What is absurd about this it that all the Democrats have said is how much George W. Bush is hated all over the world, so, logic says, why send him anywhere? But then again, our “elected” leaders have never made much sense…so here in random order are some more absurdities in the news;

While I was busy standing in line waiting to run up my credit cards, along with all the other 100 million people here doing the same fool thing, a lot of talk was going on about the Muslim men that were kicked off US Airways. Of course they should have been kicked off.

But, what I found very interesting is after the event, all the people calling in to various radio stations with mounds of praise for US Airways. One call, I could see. But this was happening throughout the Black Friday…and I’m beginning to believe that nothing is a coincidence anymore. What a convenient time for US Airway to be getting publicity.

I am considering on buying stock, and waiting for a Delta plane to be overtaken by those same guys that were kicked off US Airways. That way the merger would go smoothly.

Someday, US Airway might be the only airway.

Speaking of Black Friday…it was the first time I have been out on that day for over twenty years, considering anyone who went out shopping on the day after Thanksgiving to deserve whatever fate that should happen to them.

Yet, there I was, going out to pick up a new x-box game for my husband. Of course, instead of being a fool and standing in line, I just bought it online the night before.

And since I was already in the mall, I decided to look around. Well, what would you do? I decided to walk around and see just what all the fuss had been about.

All I can say is….don’t do it. I ended up buying a tree that I didn’t need, just because I’ve always wanted one and it was 50% off. I also didn’t need to buy myself my own Christmas present, but there it was, on sale.

It’s insane, and if ever there was a reason that the politicians are convinced that the American people will never rise up against them, it’s Black Friday. We are a nation of Pavlov’s Dogs, the only difference being, the dogs would have never bought something they didn’t need, like a tree.

Everyone seems to be going nuts over the fact that the Russian Government is once again killing people for disagreeing with the Kremlin. As if Russia had actually become a democracy at some point in time, really. Some poor guy was speaking out about Putin killing a lady named Anna Politkaskaya, for probably having too long a’s because she was speaking out about the government.

Here, instead of poisoning, they just send you to Jesse Jackson.

Speaking of poison, Headliners and Legends did a very well written campaign plug for Hillary Clinton on Black Friday, which in my mind was the perfect day to show it.

It was really pretty sick, I mean slick. (Did I say sick?) There was the usual great moments in American history…how Hillary used to go and help the sick and poor when she was sleeping (wait…that’s not right) when her preacher in high school made her the grand socialist that she is.

There were two women, who throughout the piece talked about how they were present during the speech Hillary gave at her college graduation. How everyone JUMPED up and applauded when she bravely came out against Vietnam. (Now, glory be, she’s a mighty HAWK. The lady says she said to someone standing next to her, “She will probably be President one day.”

This lady also said how hard it was for the brilliant Hillary to move to Arkansas. But also how she said “(I can’t be a woman without having a baby.”

Anyway, Bill was a womanizer, and Hillary is really the smarter of the two. Really, I think they should start naming her “Joan of Arch” I waiting for it, and wonder what’s wrong with James Carville, that he hasn’t though of it yet.

And while we were all gathered around our families, trying to enjoy ourselves, on Fox and on the radio were the real pictures being blasted of Muslims throughout the world that are determined to kill us.

Now, granted, Glenn Beck stared this with his special. But you WOULD have thought, after waiting five years without showing us anything, that they could have picked another day to show us this. Not that most of us don’t know it. It’s just the one day, we could have done without it, but then, it’s all about the ratings.

Nobody’s Perfect; I meant to blog, I really did. I haven’t missed too many days, barring my days in Las Vegas, BUT, the weather here in the Midwest was a balmy seventy degrees, and all the neighbors were putting up the Christmas lights, which of course means, that if you don’t put up your lights, your neighbors talk about you, and consider you worthless.

And sometimes the only thing to make the middle class people feel worthy is their display of Christmas lights. So therefore, I was just too pooped.

Nobody Knows; I secretly want to strangle the guy who invented those stupid little itty bitty lights, that YOU CANNOT PULL OUT OF THE SOCKET! I wasted a whole hour, trying to get one little burnt out light bulb out of a socket. I finally gave up. Life is too short.

Nobody Cares; Some guy named Noshir Gowadice gave China all kinds of secrets about our Stealth Bombers, and other goodies in order for us not to be able to protect ourselves if we are attacked by China. This patriotic Indian, used to work at Los Alamos during the time Clinton was in office.

And life goes on, until someone hits our Turkey.