Saturday, April 11, 2009

Nobody Flashes Information

Nobody Flashes Information on a Saturday Night...

Right now, it's 10.30 pm on the Saturday night before Easter, and I'm watching Charles Heston receive the Ten Commandments, (in the movie of course) And I'm STILL amazed at the Technicolor. I cannot for the life of me figure out why they got rid of that wonderful colored film...if you just happen to know why...fill me in.

Anyway, it's "e-mail for nobody" night.

Update: Moses---"And they were filled with inequity and vile shame"
(Sorry I'm typing this while the people are dancing around at the bottom of the holy mountain... waiting for Moses to come down. I think he's actually talking about the 111th Congress...yes, I'm sure he is, Moses was also a prophet. He knew Nostradamus.

Update: Aaron just threw down his pipe and ran! (Much like my girlfriend from high school did one night, when she saw a cop car...)

Update: Moses: "Who is on the lord's side? Let him come to me!" People are having trouble untangling body parts.

Update: Oh-oh...Edward G. Robinson is in deep doo-doo.

Update: "Those who will not live by the law, shall DIE by the law!" Whoa, they didn't even torture first.

Moses just threw down the tablets, and smashed them completely, which means, just because he lost his temper, he had to go back up to the mountain and get another copy.

Wait, he DID get another copy, right?

Enough...sorry. I love this movie. Heston was the "bomb."

Back to my e-mail...

Okay, so not all e-mails are pictures of cats, or naked ladies, or Redneck jokes...this e-mail, had stuff in it that might help you sometime...if for no other reason, to make a bet with your best friend at a bar when he or she has had MUCH more to drink than you! Thereby making you feel superior and making a complete fool out of your friend for not knowing the answer...and that is always good for a laugh...which we all need.

UPDATE:" Moses can't go into Israel for some reason...he mumbles. ...and then he says...

"Go...proclaim liberty throughout the land, and all the inhabitants thereof! And you will have to take this staff from my dead cold hands!"

And he walks off into the Technicolor clouds, that even has the first "green" clouds ever seen by man...the technicolor guy got a little too happy....

Anyway...everyone have a Happy Easter! (So shall it be written, so shall it be done!)


Here we go....the weekly e-mail...with a few comments from myself--- just because.

Alaska More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska. (Which is REAL reason why the conservatives don't want Sarah Palin to run for President in the future.)

Amazon The Amazon rain forest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply.
The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States . (And yet, they want to come here?)

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica . This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it that is), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert. (And yet, Al Gore does nothing. )

Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around. (Oh)

Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village ' (So, Canada can send California water, and Hillary Clinton can move to the BIG VILLAGE she has been looking for---it's settled.)

Chicago Next to Warsaw , Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world. (I knew there was something a little strange about Obama, and Hillary)

Detroit Woodward Avenue in Detroit , Michigan , carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere. (It is also destined to have the last road to nowhere.)

Damascus, Syria was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence. (Well, that explains it.)

Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents. (So, do they have to file two tax returns?)

Los Angeles full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A. (Porciuncula? Did the porcupine come first?)

New York City The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin , Ireland ; more Italians in New York City than in Rome , Italy ; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel . (What do you expect from a jazz musician? And soon, we will have more Mexicans than Mexico...we're on a roll. We need more Chinese than China...more Japanese than Japan...more Russians than Russia, more Iranians than Iran...wait...let's not get too excited.)

Ohio There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio ! Every one is man made. (That explains why they have gay marriage---they like to make things there out of nothing.)

Pitcairn Island The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia , at just 1.75 sq. miles/4.53 sq. km. (Is there a sewer plant? Carbon toe print? )

Rome The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome , Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent. (There is also a crater called Martin Luther King on the moon...come on...isn't there?)

Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests. (Hey, I thought the AMAZON Rain forest was supplying the oxygen? What's up here? Where our "Save the Siberian Forest" shampoo? )

S.M.O.M . The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta. It is located in the city of Rome , Italy ; has an area of two tennis courts' and as of 2001 has a population of 80 - 20 less people than the Vatican . It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is. (This is actually wrong. Now we know, that the smallest sovereign entity in the world is the White House. It now has a playground, it's own vegetable garden, and a population of four...)

Sahara Desert In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island . There has been no rainfall there for two million years. (Well, if Obama gets his way, there WILL be rain in Ross Island, his cloud seeding project will just have to start there, that is, if he REALLY cares about the world....)

Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.' (Well, of course it does!)

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there. (So...who was Paul? Pierre's cousin Minne? )

Roads Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A. = 1%; in Canada = 75% (I bet they can't wait to get those electric cars.)

Texas The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas . It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide. (There's a off-colored barroom joke in that fact, somewhere...)

United States The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. (It was built so that people could turn off their cars and just slowly coast down the hills, thereby saving gas and money.)

Waterfalls The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls . (Yeah, but they've never FROZEN!)

I have always said you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow.

( Hey...I don't have to wait till tomorrow, see you on Monday.)


Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday Jericho

Nobody Opinion: It’s not such a Good Friday…

“Joshua fit the battle of Jericho, and the walls came tumbling down”

I remember singing that song over and over when I was a kid, and I loved it. In my mind I envisioned this great warrior (all dressed up in sandals and a skirt, of course) coming to the gates of a city whose walls were so big, they were at least ten-stories high. It was said in the song that no army could ever penetrate it. Jericho was a city so huge and so fortified, it could not be conquered. The walls were just too thick.

But Joshua came to attack Jericho with a big army, and he had God talking right in his left shoulder, telling him the city was his for the taking. And take it he must.

Don’t worry, said God--- Do as I say and it will be yours---piece of cake.

In my little five-year-old mind, I pictured this dark-haired man marching up to the gates of Jericho and standing with his vast army of…really spiffy looking trumpet players. The actual soldiers just stood around and looked good.

I imagined the trumpets of Jericho being extremely long, gold, and very loud. They were so loud in fact, that the roar of the trumpets, just blasted the big impenetrable walls from the sheer reverberation of the low notes, with one mighty blast---


Then Jericho and all its city inhabitants were very nicely taken over…so scared were they of the army of God, and those weapons of mass destructing trumpets! What a mess they had to clean up...oh…and they lived happily ever after with their new benevolent king.

Hey--- that’s how the Sunday school teacher presented it to the little kids, who were sent to sit in “Sunday” school while their parents sat in the big house listening to the real Sunday school sermon, which was usually about drinking and adultery. Back then, most adults actually thought about kids and what they should hear.

Yeah--- really.

I must admit…I haven’t given the battle of Jericho a thought until this Good Friday afternoon. I tuned into the History Cable Channel, and that’s when I heard military experts explain what really happened. I got the adult version. The one where Joshua and his men not only captured the town of Jericho, but ruthlessly kill every single man, woman, child, baby, donkey, dog, and chicken in the famous walled city, and then burned it all to the ground.

A bit of a waste I’d say, but then again, Joshua was trying to make a point…

Joshua had a very well thought out plan. He put on a grand show for seven whole days. He marched his soldiers in perfect battle form, around and around the walls of Jericho, all the while having his trumpeters blasting.

The military man explains…this was a very clever diversion.

While the people were carefully watching this braggadocio of Joshua showing off scary troops… secretly many of Joshua men were climbing up a rope put down by a prostitute and going inside the walls. It took about seven days to get enough guys inside, and they just hid.

And then, on the seventh day, the final trumpet signal came. That was the cue for the men inside to lead the attack from inside the walls of Jericho.

And that’s the point. Joshua won against the biggest fortress around, and he took it down because he had men helping him on the inside.

If you apply this very simple tactic to today---the United States, the modern Jericho, is not too big to “fail”…I mean fall.

A mighty attack caused the crashing of the walls of the World Trade Center on 9/11; The enemies had been inside, planning...waiting. Our government sent special planes to pick up the relatives of bin Laden, and give them free passage away, while all other planes were grounded--- a that's when MY first trumpet went off.
Then, when President Bush started begging the American people to let the good people of Dubai guard our ports. I felt like the enemy was already here and holding our President hostage...a second trumpet.
Crazy, I know...but I wasn't the only one shocked.

When I saw a picture of Obama, refusing to salute the American flag…a third trumpet sounded loud in my American, finely-tuned ear. But, he realized his mistake, and we never saw him without a flag behind him after that.

When it was reported that the pastor that he had listened to for over twenty years, actually hated America, as did many of his long-time friends, the fourth trumpet went off. His wife wasn’t particularly fond of the place either.

A fifth trumpet came when we watched Obama's silence when many wanted to hear him give proof of his American citizenship. The great walls of WALL STREET crashed around the world.

As President, he has done nothing but destroy our economy with lighting speed, and he is always appeasing the Muslim nations and the rest of the world with grand apologies of how bad America was, and still is.

The sixth trumpet sounded when he bowed to the Saudi King, probably even kissing his hand.

In the meantime, on the outside of our walls, we have witnessed a great parade of military threats; the almost ungodly panorama of the thousands of Chinese people, showing off in frightening dancing military exactness, at the opening of the Chinese Olympics; the marching warriors of North Korea; and just this week, the Iranian nuclear parades.

And here we sit, watching the outside world flaunting their jingoism from all sides, our attention diverted, while on our inside, a rope put down by prostitutes of political global ambitions are filling up our cities with enemies--- who are waiting for a signal.

The last signal.

I can’t help but wonder…when will we hear the seventh trumpet call?

Ahmadinejad wants to destroy all America. It is the jihadist’s way that all infidels must be completely destroyed. His god demands it. His God is saying to him…

It’s okay--- piece of cake.

Whatever you many think about the existence of God---having the belief that there is a god on your side, can make all the psychological difference between victory and defeat.

It wasn’t just the trumpets at Jericho that helped Joshua out.

People need to know they are dying for a reason, and that someone will protect them. Right now, I’d say that Islam has the psychological advantage over the Christian god…because; religion in our country is being erased.

Enemies within…are working hard at that, lead by our own President Barack Hessian Obama, who can't find a church before Easter, even though he claims to be a Christian.
But sometime in our future, we might have to choose sides and find the eneimies within... and defeat them.

So…I suggest the God of our founders…Washington, Adams, Jefferson...that God served us well...
That God is waiting to be resurrected.

It’s time the American people sound some trumpets of their own.


Thursday, April 09, 2009

Oh...My...God...Obama Bows

Nobody Wins:

"Oh MY GOD...I KNEW IT! I heard that Obama made a deep bow to the Saudi King, but...but...he said he didn't...

BUT I JUST SAW IT! He bowed so deeply, that I thought he was gonna split his pants!

He lied!

And all of us who were suspicious about a man who went by the name of "Barry" all his life: a man who lovingly wrote a book about his Muslim father...why, we were simply ostracized til the CATS (and some of the dogs) came home if we even COMPLAINED about his insistence on being the first President with such an UN-American name...Barack Hussein Obama...I mean, he COULD have gone by just "Barry Obama" just to make us all feel more comfortable and all...Hussein being a major enemy of the United States.. and all...

BUT I SAW IT WITH MY OWN LITTLE KITTY EYES! He bowed to the KING! Which over there means, he is a servant of the man! No President in American History has ever done such a stupid thing!

I would NEVER bow to Skippy!

Our last President just used to kiss the King on the mouth and hold his hand...(I know, what's with these Kings?) That means at least...that he met the King as an equal

But not Obama. I'm surprised that he didn't fall down he bowed so low. I'm surprised he didn't say "I'm at your service great King."

Or did he? Did anyone get a tape? OMG.

He didn't bow to the Queen of England. He treated her about the same as he treated his own grandmother. (Yes, the one who was actually smart enough to be scared of robbers, even if they were black.)

And to Cuba, Obama sent the "Black Caucus" to see Castro. There wasn't a white "Caucus" even allowed on the boat...and they all LOVED the man. They didn't even know he has been known to take small kittens by the neck and throw them against the wall...then eat them whole.

I ought to know. My cousin Tostatitos still lives down there. She is starving...she has to hide from the big rats. Castro has no mercy. He is a dictator. He is EVIL.

And they LOVED him. Oh, my...GOD.

Wait a minute. OMG, I'm a white kitty. What if Castro comes to my neighborhood? Does this mean I have to hide at the gas stations?

Does this mean Obama wants a Communist nation ruled by the Saudi King?

Will I have to share my kitty food with the dog Skippy?

That's it. I'm getting my picture taken on only Persians rugs from now on.

But...oh my God...what's next?

We will all have our medical records online and I will be chipped.

That's what I heard...OMG, this is so cruel. I'm just a kitten! I'm even cute!

How could this be happening?


Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Nobody Cares if I Geo-Engineer Myself a Vacation From a False God

Nobody Cares: I can’t ski.

But, having said that… Obama is not God.

Somehow these two thoughts are crossing my mind in this particular nano-moment in time, and colliding into each relentlessly---like two fly’s fighting for a place on the soda cup lip.

Obama wants to be God. Today, he is considering the concept of “geo-engineering.” He wants to shoot sulfur particles up into the air, which will cool the earth, because it will block the sun… forever maybe.

This will cut down all the fires we have been having, he says.

It will also destroy most of all the plants and animals on the earth, which need the sun to grow the food, to feed the earth. Therefore he will be causing mass starvations all over the planet and millions will die.

This is just a messy detail, I suppose, to Obama.

Tell me…if you had to pick between New York going under water, or the rest of the world starving and dying, which would YOU choose?

Yeah, I know.

So, ask yourself--- if Obama wants to block the sun, then why does he insist on everyone switching to solar panels? No sun…no electricity…yeah, that makes sense.

This man is either not playing with a full deck, or he knows he owns the casino, and it’s already stacked for the house.

Take you’re pick.

Yeah, this guy has GREAT ideas and we are seeing them every single day. I feel like I’m running from a swarm of African changing, Obama killer bees.

Here’s an Obama killer bee: The poor can’t afford to take vacations. The rich are scared to.

Obama and all his “changes” are bankrupting our American God-Given right to have a good time.

My last vacation was when I took a day off to mow my lawn. I can look forward to that again this year. At least I HAVE a lawn to mow…right?

This is worrying many of the big hotel chains. We just get those Mexicans here, and now there are not enough people in the hotels to give them big tips to send home. It’s a problem. They have gone back to eating bananas, instead of McDonalds down south.

So, we see Ellen DeGeneres trying to resuscitate Las Vegas by doing her show at Caesar’s Palace. Bill O’Reilly was seen wearing a Mickey Mouse Hat…and Hawaii’s is suffering so badly, Hula dancing is now performed on the planes to France.

But, Americans are coping.

We WILL have fun, President OBAMA---because we can be creative!

Instead of that wonderful weekend at Snowmass, you can just put on your ski boots, and step up to your living room video run down the mountain, thereby saving the planet from the pollution you would have caused from flying or driving to Colorado, thereby saving the planet from warming.

Why not just outlaw vacations, and set up these video consuls in the malls, and forget messing with the plant’s weather, Obama? Why not?

What more does this man want from us? Does he want us to DIE while dreamng of Tahiti?

There is good news. I could someday actually learn how to ski. The chances are pretty slim, but it COULD happen.

But Obama,--- could never, ever, in a million, trillion, Quadra zillion years, do as good as job as God has done with the planet’s weather.

Why, he can’t even talk without a teleprompter, nor can any of his cabinet members do simple math. With their incompetence, they would miss the atmosphere, and the sulfur would end up in Dick Cheney’s back yard.

If he keeps this up, the real God is going to just going to have to do something about it.

So, tonight I’m thinking…I’m pretty sure God forgives me for not being able to ski, but there is one thing I can do to help out. (Feel free to join in.)

Pray, that if Obama really does start fooling around with Mother Nature,

A few nicely placed lighting bolts might just give him enough scare to…


In fact…now the flies are sitting very still on my cup, and I wonder…

Can Obama ski? Now is as good a time as any for him to go practice.
While we all say a prayer….

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray that Obama’s geo-engineering program goes on the bleep…”

Hey, I was nice.
But imitating God is not.

God, I'm counting on you're best stuff!
(Then let me win a vacation!, God knows, I deserve one.)


Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Nobody Knows:Have We Forgotten Nine and Eleven?

Nobody Knows:
Last night, I was doing my taxes, (that should have been enough warning right there) when I heard on the radio that, at that very moment, two F16's, were flying after a stolen Cessna 172, pretty much right over my head. The man in the Cessna was ignoring the fighter pilots, and there was a chase going on.
Well, that's encouraging, I thought.
When I heard that the plane had come all the way from CANADA, like any sane person I thought, well--- when are they planning on taking this guy down? After all, he was in the middle of the country. I guess they were just waiting for him to run out of gas.
God forbid we actually "hurt" a possible terrorist who "might" have WMD's on board, or is planning an attack. Obama would never forgive us.
He is having a hard time liking America as it is.
This morning, we all heard, in such a nice way as to not worry us, that the guy's name was Adam Dylan Leon, (Yavuz Berka) and he said that he was just feeling suicidal, and was hoping that they would shoot him down.
What's amazing about the news, is that after 9/11, nobody thought this act was in any way, anything to be upset about.
So...I ask you Ladies and Gentlemen...does this guy look suicidal to you? Does he have that "I am so lonesome I could die?" look? Or does he have that, "You are all fools, and infidels, and you are all easy marks! You stupid American pigs!" look how far they let me fly! I could have killed you all! You will all be dead soon, and I proved it! Allah be praised! "
As we can see from these two pictures, Yavuz KNEW, that with a President like Obama, not a thing would be done to him.
No one would shoot him down, proving to all in the world, that if you want to get in a plane, and fly over any part of the United States, and fly it into a nuclear plant...go ahead!
All you have to be is a Muslim, and you will be protected!
In many places on the planet tonight, Yavuz Berke, is a hero...and will be getting a statue dedicated to the flight to prove America's continued weakness.
But hey! We all talked about the weather today. That was MUCH more important. It's spring, and the crops are freezing during global warming.
Meantime, Obama says we have Christians, but are not really a Christian nation. We are citizens.
Citizens who it seems, have forgotten the numbers, nine, and eleven.
And nobody knows why our President is stuck on the


Monday, April 06, 2009

Waiting for the Game to Begin

Nobody's Perfect:
Waiting for the ball park to open, is not always easy.
Some of us handle it better than others.
Either that, or the cat just heard that Obama new stimulus plan included free meals for all homeless people, and their dogs.
All cats will have to report to the nearest stem-cell research lab, by the end of the month.
And still, (to steal a Dave Barry much-respected phrase.)..the United Nations does nothing.


Sunday, April 05, 2009

Obama Pukes Political Nukes

Nobody's Opinion:
Turn on the History Channel any old day of the week, and you will find dozens of examples of men torturing other men: killing, raping, maiming, and controlling: men lining up people and just shooting them in the back, cutting their throats. You will witness mass exterminations of millions of people, by hundreds of leaders who just wanted to get rid of whoever opposes them…

And then there’s the endless lists of wars…wars fought on every continent, by every nation, for whatever reason, mostly over power and control, or just because kings and tyrants could do it. For the money, for the power, for the control.

What a rush.

In our own time, we have seen a whole lot of undeclared wars. Because, when a war is undeclared, you can go on forever and ever in the undeclared war, sending troops, supplies, contractors, and your best men.

If a war stops, so does the money needed to fight the wars. This is why we will NEVER leave the Middle East. It’s chess piece on the road to further corporate globalization. Have we left anywhere else?


That’s the main plan, though they always come up with “democracy” or elevating “poverty” or “It’s our moral duty.” to sell the war to the people.

And it works, every single time.

This time, we were attacked. Our government did not protect us. They claimed they had no idea!

Why, no one saw THAT coming!

Even if you think the 9/11 conspiracy theories are all crap, the fact is, they were all very aware of the danger, and yet...did nothing.

Dereliction of duty doesn’t even come close to their incompetence; it was almost as if they wanted it to happen.
Both parties…and the names of the guilty, have been around for all our lives.

So, the question we ask today, after North Korea proudly showed that they could launch a missile and hit us or Japan with a nuclear weapons... (thank you very much Mr. Clinton) …Just which historical point about mankind and mankind’s vast and historical proclivity for destruction does Barack Hussein Obama NOT get?

Could he really be so naïve and stupid to believe that in millions of countries all over the world, men do NOT want to destroy us and watch us float up into a cloud of oblivion? Or is this just to gain some kind of political chess move? Is he building up a great nuclear arsenal, and secret weapons to protect us...out of sight?

Is that where the TARP money really went? (Oh sure, we wish.)

Well, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Let’s say, he thinks he is just so important that he alone, by getting rid of the entire United States nuclear arsenal, that we will be appreciated by the Russians, the Chinese, the Iranians, and so, they will all just destroy theirs too, and we will all live happily ever after.

I too was once naïve. I was raised a Christian, and most religious people go by that law, “Do unto others, as you would have others do unto you.”

So, you think growing up that as long as you’re “good” the other guy will be good back.

Hey---I got by most of my life buying into that fool of a rule.

I even passed it onto my son. He never started a fight. He was kind, and gentle.

Then one day, I glanced outside my window and there was a black boy of about eleven, kicking my son in the HEAD, (my son is white) He could have been brain damaged for life.

A hate crime if ever there was one…but let’s not go there.

I ran outside and the black boy ran. My son said that, he and his friend were just playing ball in his front yard, and the kid came up and attacked him from behind. And you know what? I believed him, because I called the cops, and the boy admitted doing it, and his mother made him apologize…to the cop. My son only received a message from the cop saying, “He promises to never do it again.”

That black boy did not even know my son. He just felt like beating up a white kid.

So what kind of message does this tell us?

We need Terminator mothers.

And we also need Terminator Presidents to protect us, because the world is not a kinder, gentler place. If anything, it’s far more dangerous than it has ever been.

Michelle’s nomination dress is proof of that.

So---once again---what part of--- “I promise to protect and defend the American Constitution, so help me God.” does Barack Hussein Obama not understand?

He could care less. He is on a mission--a mission of his own-- to destroy America, and then become King of the World.

With only a few weeks in the office, he has managed to put us o the road to do just that.

All he needs is a little help from his comrades in North Korea, Iran, or China.

No wonder Obama got along so well with the Communists at the G-20 summit. With a comrade like Barack Obama, who needs a nuclear weapon?