Saturday, January 16, 2010

Nobody Reports-- Bush and Clinton to the Rescue

Nobody Reports: Today, it was announced that President Bush and President Clinton were going to lead a National campaign to get Americans to donate money to the poor "brother and sisters" in Haiti, who are still in such dire distress after the earthquake. And they are getting more distressed by the minute because no one can figure out how to get the food and water to them, even though it has now arrived, and is sitting in the airport...rotting.
Yes...they need money, because hey, the government is broke, are you crazy? Do you think they should send their paychecks?
President Bush exclaimed at the White House today: Please...just send a check, we don't want grandma's old smelly mattress...and for your contributions you will receive this brand new tee shirt left over from the office of the Democratic Party main headquarters.
They have a surplus, and it will be yours for free, with your donation.
(Nobody Makes this stuff up)


Nobody Reports: Elvis, Tiger, and Lady Ga-Ga

Nobody Reports: Tiger Woods, it is now being widely reported, has had a big sex addiction "problem" for more than we care to imagine... some time now. This has ended him up paying who knows how much to a whole slew of doctors, to rid himself of wanting a vast variety of women every night. I'm sure it's going to cost a lot more than his usual fee of $60,000 dollars a night dates.
Well, I have found an answer for him. An old trick from the master womanizer himself...a man, who according to my old friend Romanda, had the soft lips of a baby without the talcum powder...Elvis Presley.
Elvis Presley---Whenever he wanted to have sex with another women, he just had Priscella dress up as a different girl every night, and play games of "Pick up the strange waitress", or "Pick up the new nurse," or "Pick up the spunky airline stewardess." She would dress up in costumes and there you go...
Many a night Priscella kept Elvis from calling Ann Margaret with just this little trick. Of course this only worked when he was in town, but it's a start.
So, Tiger could take a tip from Elvis and just get one woman to be able to satisfy his tendency to boredom. And what better woman than Lady Ga-Ga?
Tiger could pretend to "Pick up the blue Alien" or "Pick up the Porcupine" or "Pick up the Rock star who can put her legs behind her head and sit on his nine iron while it's still in his golf bag while wearing a hat made of Green Frogs."
What man could resist that?
I mean...really. He might miss putting around with threesomes, (sorry, I couldn't resist) but with a little James Cameron technology, Lady Ga-Ga could split herself into Virtual 3D and Tiger would never have to be "unfaithful" again.
Unless of course one day he can to the eureka moment that there was actually more to life than golf and sex.
And that question remains to the great philosophers and half the men on the planet, forever, a no-brainer, and already decidedly---decided.


Friday, January 15, 2010

What Caused the Quake?

Nobody Flashes:

The answer has finally come.

At last, many of the world's finest scientists, working day and night under the famous hot houses of Brussels....agree that they have found out what caused the devastating earthquake in Haiti.

The same men who discovered the BIG BANG have done the math. The debate is over.

Pat Robinson took a guess and said it was due to the Devil, but he was wrong.

Danny Glover said it was because all those people at the Copenhagen summit on global warming just sat around eating too much food and ignoring that the ground underneath them was beginning to rumble. He was wrong too. was actually because at that VERY moment that the Buji Dubai building was setting off fireworks to celebrate it's long anticipated opening...bin Laden was having a party at the top of that very tallest of buildings in the world, to celebrate his many victories.
He whole family was attending, which adds up to over half of Saudi Arabia.
So...when the last dance by bin Laden's cousin, Latifica Mumand, who hips are well known throughout the Dubai center of recreational to it's vibrating caused a butterfly affect...

Her magnificent vibrations sent all the tall buildings of the world into a series of minor shakes causing tremendous pressure on the very mantle of the earth's crust....which accumulated exactly five miles off the coast of Port du Prince.

Thereby, within minutes, Haiti was devastated.

And yet, the UN (due to the fact that the whole UN army was in Haiti at the moment)

STILL...does nothing.

This time, we will give them a pass.

(Nobody steals a line from Dave Barry, and makes this stuff up.)


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Independent Zombies

Nobody Knows the problems that the Republican are up against:

Independent Zombies.

The news has been out for quite some time: voters who are calling themselves Independents are, basically…zombies. Zombies---walking around without a party, or a recognizable country. Independent Zombies looking for VOO-DOO dolls of nefarious politicians to poke with pins. Some of those pins are going into big, fat, GOP elephants.

The Republican Party is concerned, as well they should be.

Millions of Independent Zombies feel like they are walking around in the dark, in a country that considered them dead long ago. Praying is not helping them much. Many of them are crawling in the graveyard dirt due to heavy loss of limbs, legs, property, and jobs.

And yesterday, this very Independent Zombie felt like she ran into a rather big synchronistic brick wall-- what with the earthquake in Haiti: the much awaited interview with Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin: Pat Roberson’s ranting: and my old friend Ray who is out to save my poor demented zombie soul.

As I watched Obama’s minions pass Obamascare in the hidden caves of Pelosi’s Mordor, while the world watched the Haitian pain, I felt like my left foot fell off.

You know the feeling.

So I turn to Glenn Beck every day. Glenn Becks’s new theme, “Faith, Hope, and Charity” sounds nice. He gives us visions of George Washington and the Statue of Liberty. But using clever slogans and patriotic symbols to snag your emotional zombie heart is not much different than Obama repeating “Hope and Change” for two years.

I don’t know if he’s aware that many zombies don’t feel much anymore…let’s just say we feel like dead meat from years of broken promises.

As Glenn Beck started Sarah off to the White House racetrack on his show, the message was clear; the Independent Zombies have to either join Republicans, or get off the track.

What’s a poor Independent Zombie to do?

One fact is undeniable; Both Glenn and Sarah are very religious people, and extremely intelligent and gifted patriots, so that should give us hope. But President George W. Bush was ALSO full of faith and hope, and lots of charity.

Where did that get us?

The voo-doo Bush worked upon us hurt not only the Republican Party, but gave us a President who it seems can’t find a true faith in anything but his own personal Marxist Global-Sanctuary, complete with lots of creepy Mao-worshipping “populists” ghouls.

And now they want us to trust them?

That’s the trouble with “faith.” ---it’s a lot like love. It’s a great thing, but it won’t put food in your mouth, or feed your kids, or bring back your poor mother who’s laying under ten feet of solid concrete---and that’s where Pat Roberson’s comments yesterday were almost beyond forgiveness.

Pat, a man of great faith, said the poor Haitian people who were dying were being punished by a God earthquake because long ago their ancestors made a pack with the devil, in the form of Voo-Doo. God, according to Pat, is a firm believer in affirmative action.

Poor Sarah and Glenn. They both knew in professing their faith on TV that they were setting themselves up for the fall---they just didn’t expect Pat Roberson to come out and push them off the cliff.

Surely, the poor people of Haiti did nothing to deserve this act of nature (or warfare) They are innocent victims. To even suggest that these people, the descendants of slaves, did anything to deserve horrible deaths by two hundred tons of concrete falling on their heads is completely ludicrous.

The left of course took that absurd statement and ran with it.

That kind of nonsense makes me zombie mad, and damages the conservative “cause” (and you know what happens when zombies get mad.) So I was already on a zombie rant when I read my friend Ray’s letter. He is worried that because I won’t accept Jesus as my one and only savior, I will not get into heaven, and he will miss seeing me there.

Jesus said,” Only through me can you get into heaven” or something to that order.

Frankly, it might have been Paul saying that Jesus said that, when starting his church because all Zombies know, whenever you hear anyone say the words: “Only through ME will the country (or you) be saved” it’s best to count your fingers and toes.

Until someone can pull out a video tape of Jesus making that statement himself, I’ll take my chances with going directly to God. And if you knew Ray like I know Ray, he’s be happy to meet up with a few virgins in heaven. I certainly do not want to disappoint him.

But, back to the bloodless Zombies.---most of the American people are really sick and tired of both parties. There are now more Independents in America than there are believers who have “faith” in either party. Washington D.C. witnessed the gathering of Independent Zombies last year, walking around the moat, trying to get into the White House Castle to be heard…arms outstretched, and literally begging for salvation.

Doooooo…nooooot…killll….usssssssssssss, noooooo…..

But clever politicians know that Zombies can’t swim the moat of the Capitol. Nevertheless they do need them for the next election. Especially the Republicans, who feel it’s their last call.

Those stupid third party idiots, (they think)-- they will destroy our Republic..

I bet the most esteemed Republican, Rush Limbaugh, is now sorry he called Independents “Idiots” for so many years, because Independent Zombies actually have memories. They can tell you the day they lost their right arms. I lost mine the day I heard Rush saying nasty things: calling me, a proud American Independent…stupid.

Rush, if he was reading this would say: Well that proves it: Independent Zombies who will split the Republican ticket are just plain…brainless. We must work from the framework we have.

This condescending attitude of course, gets Republicans no Zombie votes…therefore, you have to wonder where they left their remarkable brains?

The Republicans know that America will not be saved in our lifetime. It’s okay for them. But, what about the rest of us? If elected, can Sarah get rid of the Department of Education? Can she get rid of the foreign money? Big unions? China? The Chicago Mafia? The Clintons? The Bushes? The Department of Commerce? The Fanatical Jihadists that want to kill us? Universal Health Care? The Defecit? The Corporate Internationals who now run so much of everything?

Can she take hold the politicians to be punished when they break our laws?

Can she?

That’s a tall order for anyone. The President, is NOT God, even though the office has morphed into a position so powerful men will spend billons to get into it.

So, Enquiring Zombies want to know…why are they, our good guys, fighting the good American Independent Patriots?

So as not to upset the apple cart---to save the union, they want to prevent the country from too much damage. They’d rather see us just…survive.

We get it. We DO understand…but we don’t feel any better.

In his Sarah Palin interview Glenn Beck call Ronald Reagan “dumb” along with every Republican President of the past, almost insinuating that Sarah will be the first smart Republican to ever hold the office…after all, she has a Blackberry.

Not as bad as Pat Robertson’s comment, but not exactly a gem of wisdom. Yeah, he was so dumb he destroyed Russia without a shot.

Glenn also said that Bill Gates wants more LEGAL immigrants. Okay. Does he also know how many jobs those Indian workers take away from our kids? So, if they are LEGAL it’s…okay?

Both Sarah and Glenn were trying very delicately to say JUST The right thing.

Glenn claims he is an independent. Zombies are not so sure.

Okay, enough--- while I’m trying to find my thighbone, let me give you this little scene: from a very Independent but not-yet Zombie x-President—who makes my point much more succinctly than I ever could.


On January 25, 1842, John Quincy Adams, who was serving at the time in the House of Representatives after his Presidency, offered a petition from 46 citizens of Haverhill, Massachusetts to dissolve the Union---to protest and end slavery. The Southerners reacted in great fury. A Virginian presented a resolution to censure him, maintaining high treason; He said Adams had insulted the Congress and the United States.

Adams then demanded a reading of the Declaration of Independence. When the clerk came to the passage declaring the right of a people to throw off a despotic government and to provide new guards for future security, he insisted that the passage be read again.

You see, that’s what I’m getting at. We have a right to throw off a despotic government. How many years do we have to wait? We will be, at the end of Obama’s term, slaves to the state. Will all the laws enacted on his watch be destroyed?

Slavery of a people to be under the yoke forever of a corrupt two-party system that condemns every American citizens to lives of servitude to the one-party system that we now really have…deserves at least a Zombie peaceful uprising.

Zombies can’t swim, but we can walk up walls…

Otherwise, to this Independent Zombie, there is not much to look forward to…

Now, has anyone seen my nose?


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Nobody Rmemebers: The Pundit, Earl Jent

Nobody Remembers the day I got his e-mail...
My little "Snowball" had passed away---my dear parakeet whose death I had written about on my blog just to help my own grief.
After all, one is not suppose to grieve about the death of a bird...but this tough old soldier named Earl Jent, (that famous pundit) sent me his heartfelt condolences.
Imagine...a x-Marine understanding the mourning of what seemed to be such, in the scheme of things, especially in the light of all the deaths of the recent loss of life in Haiti, such an insignificant creature.
But Earl loved animals, especially cats. When you visited his site, there were always funny and endearing pictures of cats. And music. He loved music, and posted a wide variety for us all to enjoy. And he loved the best writers of the day. Earl had excellent taste!
If I wanted to find out the best articles written about America and our country, I went to Earl's site, called...Another Pundit. He would post it, and then save us all a lot of time. For this, he had an enormous following around the world.
Earl and I shared a love for Doug Powers, Ann Coulter, and Thomas Sowell, and also I found out, the desire to hide our foreheads. He sent me this recent picture and said, "I wore that hat in the photo because I have too much forehead and the reflected light might hurt someone's eyes."
Earl had hats, I still have my bangs.
Everyday I would look forward to his e-mails, which many times would uplift my day. He worried about his wife Bea, who had suffered health problems, and never ONCE mentioned the fact that he was not well himself.
Typical of a soldier---men who so often bear the pain for the rest of us.
Anyway...I didn't know him long, but long enough to know, that he will be missed by many around the world.
I will always think of Earl as the tough guy with the heart of a kitten. He once sent me this photo of a parakeet and a kitten, and every time I look at it, I will try not to cry, but there you go...I make no promises on that account. I'm not a Marine.
I kiss you goodnight, dear sir, and may God be with you now, your Bea, and the ones that loved you. I'm sure I speak for the many who say, the world is a little less bright without Another Pundit....there will be no other, Earl---you hold the title.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Nobody's Perfect: Harry Reid VS Mark McGuire

Nobody's Perfect:
Who knew Harry Reid has discovered his racial finger?
And who knew that Mark McGuire has been on steroids all these years?
And let's not just stop there: Does anyone know how long Spongebob has been on fluoride?
Yes, this week's Nobody's Perfect award goes to the Senator from Nevada, Harry Reid, and the poster-boy of the most Home-Runs milked by that great home-run 1998 race to save Major League Baseball's Bottom Line, Mark McGuire.
Mark McGuire it seems was just WAITING for the right moment to tell everyone that yes, he cheated. He was on steroids. Sitting in front of Congress, was, just not the right time to admit it, even though he was under oath.
Thanks to Tiger Woods, he couldn't have picked a better moment to upset sports fans. Now all we need is for the NFL to let all it's gay men get married in the locker rooms.
Let's get it all over with...let them all confess.
While I was watching Mark cry on my big screen (very old not-politically-HD-correct-yet) TV... I kept looking at his neck...(What's up with that?)
And then...was he really crying? Was he really sorry? Like a criminal who, when finally caught, were those tears rehearsed?
Did he need to warm-up those tear ducts?
Whatever the reason, for Mark's need to confess...Tony La Russo last couch, Hal Mcrae, left something to be desired---so Mark is an improvement.
And yes, I do agree with Mark when he says that he had the talent to hit the ball..anyway.
We all agree to that. What we don't like is all this lying by simply everyone on our TV sets, who keep telling us they are perfect human beings.
And speaking of lying..Harry Reid, who was quoted this week as saying something he said quite some time ago about Obama could be elected because he's a:
"Light skinned African-American with no Negro dialect, unless he wants to have one."'
You mean to say we Americans will not elect a Negro unless he speaks good English?
This is outrageous...more lies. Good English is not required for a President? Since when?
I say, we now insist that every public building and highway named after Harry Reid and Mark McGuire be taken down and replaced with Spongebob's name. Let's stop naming our streets and schools and buildings after all these liars. After all, it's the American people who are getting soaked.
It's hard to pick which one is more annoying..but let's just say, even though McGuire's story is sad, Harry Reid on the other hand, has damaged more than just sports.
Let's all give him the finger.