Thursday, April 17, 2008

Nobody Has Dinner With the Pope!

Nobody’s Opinion: Last night I had dinner with the Pope…

Yes I did! For the first time in America, a Pope (Pope Benedict XVI) gave mass on all the cable stations, right exactly at dinner time here in Middle America. I’m not sure if all the different time zones saw this event at exactly 5:30 pm, but most likely they did.

Someone obviously wanted all of America and all radical Islam also to see it.

That’s my opinion.

The news of the day wasn’t as important it seems. FOX News, CNN, MSNBC, and the local channels all had the Pope on during primetime evening news. And it was more than a news event, it was a regular ceremony! Dining with the Pope!

I was waiting for my holy wafer to come flying out of my TV set, while I ate my meatloaf.

Okay, you can tell I’m not Catholic. I have nothing against Catholics. But please---if they are going to start giving religious services at dinnertime on all our main TV cable channel networks, then let’s give equal time to the Episcopalians, Methodists, Mormons, Baptists, Jews, and Quakers.

Let’s forget the news and have “Dining with the Pastors” on. I’m sure we can all agree that the news is pretty depressing. Maybe a Mass at dinnertime would inspire the nation to finally throw away their Prozac.

On the other hand, some would say the Hillary and Obama contest is getting very boring; the Pope was a nice diversion…sort of like elevator music. An hour of some religion was a nice reprieve…some might say.

But last night wasn’t enough. Today, they showed his fund raising talents on national TV. To think…46,000 people came to see Pope Benedict XVI at the new National Baseball Stadium, and they all had to pay to get in. He even had a ceremony where you could come up and bring him “gifts” while he blessed you. Gifts of envelops, filled no doubt with big fact checks and hundred dollar bills.

What would Jesus say? Heck, what would Martin Luther say? (Sorry, have said.)

Speaking of “sayings,” the Pope had the nerve to say that America has short-chained the blacks and the Native Americans---they have no hope.

Well, Mr. Benedict Pope, the Bishops have short-chained thousands of young boys that were sexually abused by the Catholic bishops, and that wasn’t so very long ago.

Oh…well…that’s America’s fault according to Pope Benedict. It’s our fault that his bishops are “over sexualized.”

Meanwhile, even though the bishops went unpunished, the church was forced to hand over $2 billion dollars in court fees for those abusive crimes performed by overly sexual bishops.

Therefore, there was a much needed trip to America to raise some money, and baseball stadiums will do just fine. Frankly, I don’t know why he doesn’t just make the tour. We have a lot of ball stadiums here. Think of the money he could raise for all those lost dollars in lawsuits due to putting oversexed bishops into his many churches.

Not too long ago, I remembered watching Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at the funeral of the last Pope. They were standing together in the crowd looking as if they were having the best of times…almost like two frat buddies getting ready to do a Skull and Bones raid. Who knows--- maybe they took the old guys skull back to the castle at Yale?

It’s possible.

I liked the last Pope…John Paul. I remember Bill Clinton following him around when he was here in St. Louis, down at our convention center…like a puppy dog, looking for a treat. You could tell the Pope didn’t much care for him. At least the guy was not at the beck and call of just anybody.

No doubt this Pope has some strong points. He looks like a really nice guy. But really--- do we need to have to sit through his mass on our local evening news spot?

There are religious stations that could have put him on…which makes you wonder…

How many people while turning on their sets after a hard day at work, watching for their nightly news fix at their dinner table---how many Americans would have said, “Hey honey, the Pope is on the religious channel, let’s watch…oh pass the potatoes.”

Yeah---not as many.

So, just how independent are the major media channels?

Pass the holy water, and dose yourself good.


Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Sin City for Nuns

Nobody Flashes Anymore!

Today, while the Pope was celebrating his birthday at the White House with President Bush...the nuns were told that they could take the day off, and have some fun...

Here we see sister Maria rearranging the furniture and statures at the Vatican, with a new software program...called "Sin City for Nuns."

After which she played "Pin the Tail on the Devil" for an hour...

After which she placed a few bets on "The Kentucky Derby." Betting is allowed on Pope's birthdays, as long as you give all your winnings to the church.

Actually, the reason I love this picture is the fact that this nun does the same thing that every person in my family has done since we were kids....bite our tongues when we're concentrating...

I, of course (cough, cough) gave up the habit at ten...but my brother STILL does it, especially when he is playing DOOM. My brother is 57 years old.

So, send a prayer for my poor brother...and for the Pope, and our soldiers in Iraq, and Bruce Springsteen, (who came out for Obama in Philadelphia tonight, so he needs it) and all the nuns everywhere.

Without all the nuns in the world praying daily for us all, Las Vegas odds say that things would probably be much worse.


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Historicalia Automeglomania: Vaccination Required

Nobody’s Opinion: As President George W. Bush is riding into the sunset of his last days in office; it’s obvious he is struggling with the same disease of that of his predecessors. I like to call it...Historicalia Automegalomania.

Let’s consult our political medical dictionary:

Historicalia Automegalomania- (n.) Disease which is found to be particular to world leaders, and many former Presidents of the United States. It usually grows worse after the victim leaves office. Symptoms include an inability to let go of power, and an obsessive compulsiveness to try to continue to control the earth, with hopes of leaving his name as the greatest among historical leaders for future “historians” to honor, which leads to eventual insanity.

No doubt, all they want is to have monuments built for them in the 24the century. It’s all about an addiction to legacy…or “Stone.”

There is no known cure.

It’s not exactly a new disease. Pharaohs suffered from the desire for their images to be left in stone. Yes, the recent outbreak of Historicalia Automegalomania is so bad, that Jimmy Carter, George Bush Senior, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and George W. Bush all have suffered with it. It’s a regular epidemic. The outlook for the next President is not good. Even Vice President Gore has contacted it.

Let’s look at these individuals and their symptoms.

Jimmy Carter first caught the fever while in office, but got very sick after he left. He started building houses, as many as he could. He ran around the world begging to overlook elections. His excuse was he wanted to rubber stamp them as “fair.” Jimmy Carter thinks he is a great healer. Wherever there is a dictator, there you will find Jimmy Carter trying to “talk” to them so that he can write a book about his “talk.” The man is very sick, and does untold damage to his former country, but he just can’t help himself. The compulsion to save the world is too great.

George Bush Senior has a more mild case. Since he left office, he basically tries to rule the world by advising his son the President---but his son suffers the same disease so it’s like two sick guys coughing at the same time. George Bush Senior plans to get “stone,” by putting all his sons and grandsons into positions of power. He prefers they all become Presidents, and his compulsion drives him to do whatever he can to further his own name and his families. His sickness became very precarious when he joined up with his nemesis Bill Clinton and went to save Indonesia from the Tsunami. His doctors were so worried they told him to jump out of a plane, in hopes for a “cure.” He has since been kept hidden from the public by his own son. His recovery outlook is not good.

His son, President George W. Bush, has decided that he alone will start the world to a one world government, and one world democracy. He will be the greatest man to have ever lead the people of the earth to freedom. He cares not for his times, but for posterity, where he says he will be vindicated. The man is truly suffering. The virus continues to spread throughout his brain despite frequent bike rides.

But it’s Bill Clinton that has the worst case. After office he stared this own United Nations right next to the first one, in order to rebuild the entire world, with his own brand of Clinton social engineering…basically a combination monarchy/communism laced with capitalistic extortion. By the time his stone is cast, the name Monica Lewinsky will be erased form all books. Bill’s dream of “stone” is a space right next to George Washington’s, and it will be taller, and higher, and will contain a touch of blue a the top, but it will not overshadow the first woman’s stone--- President Hillary Clinton.

Hillary came down with this disease, unfortunately, when she was around six. She has survived miraculously with many blood transfusions from the Arkansas state prison. Hillary will not only get stone, but her face on a mountain (Next to Jefferson on Mt. Rushmore) and all currency will have her image.

The virus Historicalia Automeglomania is lethal only to the public; it does not kill the host, which makes it a disease just as bad as the black plague. Anyone suffering from this disease has the power to eliminated whole populations with Universal Health Care.

Unfortunately the exact cause of this virus is not known. Men, who appear to be in good health when entering office, come out of office completely mental. Some are known to succumb to the disease within minutes of taking office, but since the Presidents have all control over their own medical information, it will not be known how this virus is actually passed. Some experts suspect it’s passed by the sharing of cigars at Bilderberg secret meetings, but there is no confirmation.

The only way to insure that these individuals do not spread this horrible disease to freedom loving citizens of the world is by law vaccinations. Laws must be passed that any former United States President that leaves office with Historicalia Automeglomania and wants to go around the world acting as if he owns it, pretending to still represent the United States even though out of office, should be immediately kept quarantined and placed in a well guarded hospital, where they can be treated with the utmost kindness and care.

The oath of office should contain the words...”I swear I will not try to rule the world but will protect and defend the United States, and I promise to retire after my term.”

Let’s all pray that a vaccination is found soon against this most unfortunate disease, and have pity on all those who suffer.


Monday, April 14, 2008

It's Rape America Day!

Nobody Flashes On IRS Rape America Day: Remember the days of the American Revolution, around 1775...when a certain people who were used to being "free" starting getting taxed? They believed, I know this is going to sound very strange...they believed that no man could be taxed without his consent.

Ha, ha....ha ha HA!

Back then, when men were men, and women were women, and gay people just kept it to themselves, everyone was angry about taxes.

And because they truly believed that no man could not be taxed on something without his consent, they threw the English tea in the harbor. So, now, when every single thing we do, earn, or buy is taxed, and death too...what can we do?

Dress up like Muslims and throw our gas in the rivers?

Yeah, I know...they got us.

I think the picture says it all.

It's bad enough that they take half your hard earned money right out of your's all the other taxes that drive you nuts.

Yesterday I opened up my trash bill, and found out they added a tax on for "recycling" even though I do not recycle. I used to pay for it, and then I stopped when I realized the city was making money selling all my collected soda cans. You know, I had to take the time to remember to separate my soda cans---how dare they....really, life is short enough.

But what makes it worse is what they do with the money they steal---just one look at Barney Franks, and you wish you were born in another time, no matter how hard it was to milk the cows.

Everyone knows these facts...and yet, nothing is done.

So, all that's left is our sense of humor....which disappears on April the 15th. And if you see anyone smiling, or even hinting at a them immediately to the IRS!

They are not human.


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Nobody Reports on a Monday: The FDR's Are Coming!

Nobody’s Opinion: All last week, I was seeing visions of FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt reincarnated as Bill and Hillary Clinton, sitting once again on the thrones of power. All Hillary talks about in every speech, as she goes from city to city, is her big plans for all kinds of new government “programs”--- programs to put Americans back to work.

It’s FDR’s WPA (Works Progress Administration) all over again. Remember--that’s when FDR decided he would help people in the depression by giving everyone a job, courtesy of the government. He also set up Social Security, and the United Nations--- bless his bleeding heart.

So---just where is she going to get the money to put everyone to work, rebuilt our infrastructure, pay for everyone’s health care, not to mention the rest of the world’s, from? Borrow it from China?

Multiply FDR’s big government dictatorship by ten-fold and you got the Clintons.

All these socialist plans are just waiting to be implemented...only one problem… Hillary has to get elected first. So, today, right before the Pennsylvania primaries, Hillary became (close your ears Eleanor) a republican, right before our eyes. She couldn’t have sounded more conservative than if she was Rush Limbaugh’s second cousin. In fact, Hillary today came out and said supporters of Rush Limbaugh had changed parties and were going to vote for her!

Isn’t it grand?

Rush, as some of you know, has asked his listeners to do this deed for him. He calls his support for Hillary “Operation Chaos,” and she is certainly having a good time using his idea for her own benefit. I’m waiting for Rush and Ann Coulter to show up at her inauguration.
At her staged performance on CNN’s “Compassion” benefit, Hillary Clinton was bragging that she loved guns, had even shot ducks, loved her father, (who was a republican) wanted abortions to be “rare,” (did not specify where ) loved the Pope, (can’t wait to see him at Yankee stadium!) really felt for all the poor in America, especially that mother who lost a son and grandson to sniper fire...(I mean gun shots) and plans on helping all the children in the world go to school. (where they will get aids shots along with her picture)

AND, she talked about her very, very, very, very, very…spiritual life and close connection to God. Funny…all the time she and Bill were in the White House, God wasn’t allowed in unless Jesse Jackson let him.

Something tells me there must be a lot of Christians in Pennsylvania.

Oh, and she and Bill read Chelsea Bible stories. Her favorite story was about Ester. Madonna, (who’s renamed herself Ester) can kiss her now. She was laying the religious garbage on so thick, I was waiting for her to spout wings and fly away, playing a goldern harp.

Anyway, if you want to know the Clintons, study their idols, which is exactly what I did in the year 2000.

I went to the FDR memorial in Washington DC, the one they so loving built. (at great expense) That’s me standing in front of FDR’s grand statue.

I must say, the whole thing felt like a holocaust museum. It was pretty depressing with lots of statutes of poor starving people. It was also a bit scary. It was obvious that the Clintons had a hand in this, down to the last detail, and at the end was a huge saying about Roosevelt serving four terms. I said "Oh My God" a lot that day....
And if you have followed Bill Clinton's many speeches, he has never hidden the fact that he wished he could have served “four’ like FDR. He might soon get his wish.

FDR was as much a dictator as Hitler in his time, according to Alistair Cooke. His picture was everywhere. The Republicans of course hated FDR. And the Clintons have kept it a well guarded secret about just how much they admire the couple. When it was reported that Hillary talked to Eleanor in White House séances, it was quickly hushed up.

Hillary, like Eleanor, has traveled the world acting like Eleanor while her husband Bill, was mostly acting like FDR, in at least one way…he had mistresses.

Now, it’s time for the real reincarnations of the FDR’s to kick in, with an even bigger government agenda. And if that happens, no doubt Rush Limbaugh expects to do their fireside chats.

As Hillary has said, “Watch out what you wish for, you might get it.”

Nobody’s Perfect: Obama gets the lowdown on this one this week. Yes, all the poor white people have to turn to guns and religion in order just to cope with life, he said. Obviously, Obama has never been to Joe's Crab shack on a Saturday night.

Nobody Knows; Since when did one soldier become a “troop?” Now, we have 150,000 “troops” in Iraq. What?…does every soldier carry thirty guys in their backpack? Here’s the dictionary version: Troop: n. a body of soldiers, a great number…etc.
Who do they think they’re fooling? Iran? McCain?

Nobody Cares; Bill Clinton’s father was killed in a car accident. Barak Obama’s father was killed in a car accident. Jesse James father was…okay, he died somewhere in California and look how Jesse turned out. I’m just saying…three charming guys...lose fathers, grow up to be charming...and slick. Why hasn't Doctor Phil had a show on this?

Nobody Wins; The Pope is coming to Yankee stadium. I don’t know what the price of parking is in New York, but here in St. Louis, it’s twenty-five dollars just to park at the ballpark. So, just how many people are going to get to see the Pope, if they can’t even afford to park their car?

Nobody’s Fool; All day long on the History Channel, there was one Armageddon story after another. I think it was a record for how many programs of “fear” and the end times they could fit into one day. We are all gonna die, according to just about everyone.

The question is; why?