Friday, January 05, 2007

Nobody’s Opinion: Bring out the bacon! Muslims hate pigs!

Why don’t they teach you this stuff in our schools? I knew they didn’t like dogs. But now I find out they don’t like pigs, or alcohol. And of course, because they look on us as lower than pig dung, we now have a secret weapon!

All we need to do is for everyone in America to adopt a pig for the back yard, get more dogs as pets, and fling bottles of alcohol over our fences. Better yet, some of our pilots can maybe drop some whiskey from the sky.

If you live next door to a Muslim, be sure to open your windows when you fry the morning bacon…for dinner go outside and have pork chops on the picnic table.

We should kiss our dogs right in front of them; even let our dogs lick our faces. And show them how much we LOVE our pets. Teach our dogs to lick everyone!

And then watch em’ run.

Hey, I thought my Muslim neighbors left the neighborhood because they were warned to get out of America. But maybe it was because I walked by their house every single night with my adorable puppy who was running all over their yard trying to kiss their kids.

Maybe they went back to Detroit!

I could just hear the mother now;

“ I just can’t stand it Muhammad…she comes around every single night, and the kids are playing and she lets the dog go up and encourages our children to PET the dog, its’ so disgusting, and last night, little Osama asked if we could get one…what am I going to say? We MUST get out of this neighborhood. We must get into a Muslim nationhood, I just can’t stand her, and she’s such a pig.’

Forget Guantanamo bay…let’s call for an American pork-out barbeque every Saturday night! And throw bones for the dogs to chase.

And today I found out that some American pig farmer did just that. He is my nobody hero for the week.

Fox news reported that there was an argument going on in Texas, between two neighbors. One was a pig farmer; the other was a Muslim, who had bought the land next door to him, KNOWING full well that he was buying land next to a pig farmer.

Guess who the media presented as an intelligent, compassion, child loving, and family man? (And this was even on Fox news)

Right, it wasn’t the pig farmer. That poor guy just looked tired, like the rest of us. Tired that our government is allowing our country to be overrun by not only illegal Mexicans, but inviting Muslims to “come on in” and start ordering us around.

There are already 60,000 Mosques in Texas alone.
I repeat---60,000. Think about that.

And you don’t think they want to take over the world?

It seems the Muslim man, (who obviously does not have to work because he is being funded by his rich relatives in Saudi Arabia, wants to build a Mosque on his property. He wants the pig farmer to get rid of his pigs because he will be offending the women and children that will be coming to the Mosque.

(Fade to shot of women with two innocent kids walking innocently among the trees, looking very sad.) Awwwwwww…..

The Muslim guy evidently didn’t stop at this horrible slight to his lofty vision of pig free America. He called the guy a LIAR in front of 200 people at a town meeting.

Well, that did it. The pig farmer called up about one hundred of his neighbors, and they held themselves an afternoon of pig races. It looked like a lot of fun.

Yes, just think--- if every city started having dog races, and pig races, with an open bar, maybe they would all go home.

In fact, we should have more neighborhood block parties, and serve pork and beer.

The Muslims feel that we should do what they want.

Also in the news…the cabbies in Minneapolis are refusing to pick up customers if they have like a wine bottle in their hands, or Seeing Eye dogs, or Allah forbid, a pork steak sandwich.

Three quarters of the taxi drivers at the airport are Somali, many of them Muslim.

Wow, just think…if every American would just buy a bottle of wine at the airport, then only an AMERICA cabbie would get his money. He might have to wait a while to get a cab, but oh…it would be worth it.

Maybe we should play loudspeakers of Charlotte’s Web…to our Muslims neighbors.

We could call it “Pork torture.”

How dare they come into our country and tell us, what we can own, or what we can do, because THEY are offended.

We don’t have to be nasty about it. We could run them off by just celebrating OUR God given right to be ourselves.

By the way, the pig farmer said he’s sell his farm to the neighbor for $1.5 billion dollars.

So far…he hasn’t heard from him.

Since I heard this today, pigs have taken on a whole new meaning for me. Yes, there is hope yet.

We could make the pig a national animal.

It almost makes you want to go out and become a pig farmer.

If the politicians can load up bills with pork, then I say it’s our right as Americans to fill up our refrigerators with pork steaks, bacon, and pig feet.

Let’s not take this. Pig lovers unit!

Nobody’s Perfect; Someone forgot to rub dog saliva on Saddam’s cheek before he died. Or bless him with a bacon strip. Or dose him with cheap whiskey.

And they say Christians are crazy.

I better watch out what I’m saying…only Muslims are allowed to insult in America.

Nobody Knows; After seeing the high percentages of Mosques in Texas, I now wonder how many are in the United States. Anyone?

Nobody Cares; Some guy who is high up with bin Laden today made the statement; “We are hunting the Americans like pigs”

I bet he wouldn’t be so bold if he had an American soldier standing in front of him. I don’t think that soldier would bother using a pig, or whiskey, or a dog to scare the guy, he would just put a hole in him.

Boy, am I on a rant today, or what? The next time I go grocery shopping, I’m stocking up on more port steaks. You never know when a Muslim is going to ask you to get rid of your dogs.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Nobody’s Opinion; President Ford once said; “I’m a Ford, not a Lincoln.” I don’t think anyone could have given a better description of himself.

My family has always bought Fords. My father, who had once owned a Phillips 66 station back in the late 1960’s, swore by them. Every year he would buy a Ford, and like clockwork, trade it in every three years for a new one.

“Never buy a Chevy,” he said, “They’re junk. Parts from other countries.”

So, when I bought a 1986 Pontiac Firebird in lemon yellow one day…he just shook his head.

Well, that was the message from all the funerals; Gerald Ford was a true American. Gerald Ford was a sturdy guy, did not rock the boat, did what he was told, decent, honest...etc. A real Ford.

Fords, at one time in this country, represented America. They were well-made. Henry Ford sent the world into the next century, where everyone could travel. He changed the world.

You could always count on a Ford…and Jerry Ford was much like the Ford car. Quiet, no trouble, and not much care---in fact, you didn’t give him a daily thought. And two years was a good time to trade him in.

I watched the funerals, and was amazed that no one besides Michael Savage thought it was, just maybe, a bit too much. First we had to have one at the site, and then fly him to the Capitol, and one there, then back to his already prepared Pharaoh’s tomb in Michigan, where we had ANOTHER one, just so Jimmy Carter could speak.

What was the cost of this to the American people? This makes about 12 Pharaoh’s tombs to Russian’s one.

The first day it was reported someone had to go all over just to get 44 black bullet proof sedans for the Congress to ride in.

And unlike all the media and reporters, some of us nobodies got a different message from it all. And the message was; “Do not impeach…President Bush. Don’t even go there.”

That’s ALL everyone in every speech talked about. Gerald Ford “healed” the country.

Let’s say what he really did. He saved the Presidency, and his party. There was no “healing” to most of us. On the contrary, it was, “Oh gee…that’s nice, Nixon gets off.” This huge witch hunt, then he gets off.”

And it’s no different today. Our “healing” continues every time someone gets off.

Like Sandy “I stole the copies and put them in a dumpster” Burger, and Bill “I did NOT have sex or sell nuclear secrets to China” Clinton, and “Look in the frig” Jefferson, and “I don’t remember” Hillary, and “Oops I forgot where I parked the car” Kennedy, and on and on and on.

Do our government leaders ever get the same justice as the people they govern?


Are they doing this so the country does not suffer?

Do cars fly?

Gerald Ford was by all accounts, just like the Bush family…Eastern Republicans. This means much more liberal than Reagan. Reagan grew up in the middle of the country, not near the eastern skull and bones linage of American royalty.

What has fooled us is that George W. Bush ran like a Reagan conservative. (a Mercedes Benz), We were expecting at least a Hummer…we got a Toyota sedan.

But boy, they (all the speakers at the funeral) were all quick to point out how grateful they were to Jerry Ford for pardoning Nixon, weren’t they?

They told us all that he sacrificed his own ambitions to save the country from pain.

Well, we’d gone through the pain already. Another cover-up just made it worse. Justice would have healed us. To us it was just another cover-up.

Now, I’m not saying that Rumsfeld, Kissinger, the President and his father, and Dick Cheney did not say wonderful things that were obviously true about the man. After all, they are all human too, and spent many hours with the man.

But to this nobody it looked as if the funeral was used as a buffer to send a strong message to the Pink Cadillac that just drove into the House.

The Pink Cadillac, Nancy Pelosi, who like a bad Stephen King novel, is ready to investigate, and impeach, even though she has promised not too.

She came in shining, and pretty, and has a boatload of children, and “I’m harmless” platitudes and tea parties. She came in with the very feminist message that the women are here to take over the world!

And what a wonderful world it will be! Don’t you worry; mommy will take care of you!

My grandmother had a pink Cadillac. I think it was the only one in the small town of Naples Florida. It really was a bright PINK! And a convertible to boot. It was her favorite possession.

My grandfather bought it for her one day. Then a couple of months later, he just up and sold it in a business trade. She didn’t talk to him for a whole month she was so mad.

And there lies the danger. They are using Nancy to steal the American women’s hearts. Not many women can refuse a pink Cadillac. And since there are more women than men in America, with many single women who have not been voting…well, they just might want to ride in this one.

Yes, I fear we are going full speed ahead into the decade of the pink Cadillac.

And if we survive it, we are going to need some serious mechanics.

One thing for sure--it seems it doesn’t really matter who’s driving us; we have to go where they want to go, because they are in the drivers seat.

So, buckle up cowboys. As Betty Davis once said; “It’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

Nobody’s Perfect: Nancy Pelosi wants so much to get conservative woman to like her, she has adopted the slogan, “From the kitchen to the Congress.” She even asked her daughter if it was okay for her to run for office. What a mom.

I want to know…who thinks up this stuff?

Nobody’s Knows; Nancy at her tea party on C-Span, and after swearing in, raised her fist into the air in true communist solidarity fashion.

Now, just how many people in American would know this sign? And was this a signal to China to come on over?

Nobody Cares; The best thing that Jerry Ford did, was RETIRE--- gracefully after his term. That was his best legacy. Practically speaking, it seems his wife did more for the country than he did. By bringing breast cancer to the mainstream, and giving drug addicted rich people some place to go.

I just loved it when Liz Taylor married a construction worker she met while at the Ford clinic. A guy named Larry. I can still see them both eating a huge plate of French Fries, with gobs of ketchup. That could not have happened without the efforts of Betty Ford.

And Larry got to drive her Rolls, how cool.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Saddam, May He Not Rest In Peace

Nobody’s Opinion; One day, looooooong after 9/11, it was announced by President Bush that the evil man named Saddam Hussein was planning to destroy America.

Forget bin Ladin, we can’t find him. Re-focus.

Well, who were we to argue? Except most of us had the same thought in our minds, which was: Why the hell didn’t they just go in and get him during the FIRST Gulf war? Exactly what kind of idiots are running Washington?

There has been complete and utter silence on that part. Ask any of your congressmen, no one knows. You get the “deer in the headlight stare.” Congressmen and women imagining their bank accounts in the Cayman island suddenly disappearing. So they would just cleverly change the subject. “Hey, we won that war!”

Really? That’s why we had to go back and finish it? We could have saved a lot of American lives by just going in and finishing the job years ago. Who stopped it? Was it Colin Powell? Was it the Saudi Princes?

Daddy Bush never gave us the reason. Daddy Bush is now filled with remorse, as he has to watch his son suffer for maybe the mistakes his father made. And since his son, President George W. Bush, has signed by executive order that any former or living president can keep certain documents from becoming public knowledge, we might never know. He knows full well the huge mess that our “elected” officials, past and present, democratic and republican, has gotten us into for the sake of power and money.

And above all, they must protect the office of the Presidency itself, no matter how much corruption or crimes any of them may commit.

We the American people had to wait over NINE long months before our President did just something for retaliation after 9/11, so we thought it was better then nothing. Finally- some kind of payback

And above all, they must protect the office of the Presidency itself, no matter how much corruption or crimes any of them may commit.

When Bush went into Iraq, the Democrats were screaming that it was all for the oil.

Well, how stupid is that. If we need the oil to keep our nation running, makes sense. Saddam was a dictator, a murderer. He could take over the Middle East.

The whole United States would shut down overnight. We are on this planet to first, survive. It’s been that way all through history, and I doubt it ever changes.

Having said that, it still doesn’t excuse the actions of why our politicians have put us in this position of “being addicted to oil” provided by other countries. We are being held hostage to foreign nations, so much so, that now we have to beg permission to defend ourselves.

How else do you explain the Dubai Ports deal?

After all, you have to be a millionaire just to run for office. Corruption is an equal opportunity employer.

Going to the United Nations was also a real wake-up call. For the first time in our history we had to ask permission to knock out Saddam with a… “Mother May I?”

At last, action was being taken, and Saddam, it was agreed by everyone with a brain on the planet while he was alive, was dangerous. He was as cruel a man who ever walked the earth: basically insane.

Bin Ladin after all, has many rich Saudi relatives.

So, President Bush ordered the bombing, giving us hope that that nasty creep was hiding in Bagdad, and several times, we ALMOST got him.

We ALMOST got him, more than once, or twice--- finally we stopped watching.

Reporters were always on the scene, going through rubble--- “Isn’t that his shoe?”

We also watched the “shock and awe” of the wonderful technology of the America military. Now, we are SO good at dropping bombs that we can do it without killing civilians and no-one will lose electric. (Due to I suppose to their shortage of trees)

Yes, it was certainly amazing to watch the huge firestorms in Bagdad, while at the same time watching the cars on the highway in the foreground going about their business, shopping or going to visit their cousins. George was his father’s son.

All the time Bush was trying his hardest to hit Saddam, who just keep moving around.

As we see now, after his final death, there were many Muslims scared of the man, especially the Saudi Kings. In fact, it seems all the national leaders in the world were scared of him. He must have come awfully close to killing Daddy Bush, and that means everyone in power was fair game.

Saddam was killed before the Democrats took power, because he might have been reinstated once the new Congress of Democrats came back. (That’s a nobody opinion)

The Democrats are the radical Muslims staunchest friends. It has been mentioned more than once by various liberal leaders that Iraq was a MUCH safer country under Saddam, and we should put him back in power.

That didn’t play too well in Middle America, and the elections were approaching.

And even though we are told that the Iraqis now have their own government, we still have, I’m sure, a lot of say in it, by the sheer fact that we are pouring billions every day into the whole mess.

I mean, look at our choices here during elections. That’s why most people don’t vote.

I’m sure the Iraq’s had the same thing, not exactly who they would pick, but hey, they did enjoy voting for the first time, it was a start.

Every single news media channel played it down. It was a HUGE step, but not to be celebrated as such.

The media, that is being controlled by the liberals, (you know the stations) did everything they could to attack the “liberation” of Iraq, even to the point of costing American soldiers lives.

Now, I believe President Bush when he says that he believes a Democratic Iraq will insure our future. And I believe that the soldiers also think it’s a noble cause.

It actually looked like it was going to work for awhile.

And then came the scandals.

This nobody finds it VERY suspicious that every step forward by the Bush Administration to his goal, was met with two steps back from some scandal, at just the right time…to arouse the whole Muslim world into hatred for us, thereby making the process all that more impossible.

Now…think good readers. Who is good at creating scandals?

Abu Grave…okay, we know there are scumbags even in the American army, but those pictures, with the dyke looking girl…and the all the crazy things they did, piling them up, etc…somehow, took a very calculating mind. I don’t believe for a minute that that stupid girl and that guy thought those tricks up on their own. In fact, the man he had orders.

If they did “improvise”, the last thing they would do is take big pictures.

And then…SURPRISE! Pictures leaked out. Not just a few, but whole video’s.

Come on, people don’t even video half their family reunion. They had enough video and pictures to start a magazine.

The woman General whose command it happened under is now going to testify against Rumsfeld. It was HIS fault, not hers.

Okay, who appointed her?

Then we had a “cartoon” from the Danes, and the liberals making all those ridiculous accusations about Guantanamo prison. The liberals for the entire time of Bush’s administration have driven at him daily for his attempts in Iraq.

So, today, why is it no surprise that “somehow” a camera took pictures of Saddam’s hanging, and they have “somehow” been leaked to the world?

Everyone is lamenting poor Saddam. Killed on a HOLY day. By a bunch of thugs. Why, he had the worst childhood anyone could imagine, it wasn’t his fault that he turned out that way. The Pope is appalled.

Where is the Pope with the various throats slitting videos?

What surprised me about Saddam’s hanging is that, after all the big scenes he made in the trial, to go with such submission to his death shows in the end what a real coward he was.

He did not protest. Some say, he died with dignity. Bull. I think he was so narcissist that he just didn’t believe what was happening was actually happening.

Or maybe he was drugged.

Or maybe, he had just talked to his lawyer (a democrat) who had told him, it was all a lie.

Justice was done. And in this world of world wind political turmoil, that don’t happen too often.

Nobody’s Perfect; The British once planted a monarchy in Iraq, in 1937. Funny, not much is said about the damage left over from the British Empire.

But it still rules. I know, I write monthly checks to BP oil.

Nobody’s Knows; We helped out Saddam against Iran during their eight year war, millions were killed. This was during the 1980’s, actually, not that long ago.

I’m sure this little history is not helping us out right now.

Nobody Cares; I was going to do Ford’s death, but, I want to go and lie in a big bubble bath. So tomorrow. Then enough of the death stuff. Nancy Pelosi is having tea parties.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Nobody Can Predict Death, Part II

Nobody’s Opinion; Okay--- I got the musicians passing away last year out of my system, but today after listening to about 2 weeks worth of Gerald Ford’s resurrection as the one of the best Presidents to ever walk the earth, I was on overload. All those speeches--all that pomp and circumstance, made me realize I needed to digest some of it.

There is only so many times one person can hear the President’s official song announcing that a President is coming, or passing, or whatever, without wishing that he would just say..."Okay, enough. I'm here."

So, I looked over all the rest of the group.

And it became crystal clear that everyone on the list that died last year, no matter what they did, was in some way or another, an entertainer. After all, if there is ONE product that we do better than any other nation it’s entertain. Athletes, actors, musicians, politicians, they all sell themselves, and in doing so, they take up much of our time just watching them.

Saddam even entertained us in death, when a cell-phone picture was shopped all over the internet today. He could have used a little makeup.

Saddam and Ford were the biggest deaths in the news in 2006…but, before I get to them, let’s take a quick check at the others.

Shelly Winters; The first picture that pops into most people’s mind is Shelly Winters swimming under water like a beluga whale, and then dying in the Poseidon Adventure, bringing hope to overweight people everywhere.

She was a roommate of Marilyn Monroe in Hollywood…not many people knew that. Whenever I look at women’s shoes with an ankle strap, I think of Marilyn Monroe and how she would put on her “%&#* me” shoes to get a job. That was a bit of important information that Shelly revealed in one of her famous “tell everyone about how wild she was in Hollywood” books. Between the two of them, there was not a man in Hollywood that did not succumb to the shoes. Anyway, she did win an Oscar for swimming underwater, and not bothering with whether she had decent shoes on.

The fact that she didn’t float to the top has always fascinated me.

Yes, Shelly entertained us for years. Even swimming underwater.

Coretta Scott King; One thing you can say about this woman, is that she knew how to take a legend and make a muti-national and very HUGE money generating company out of her husband’s death. (I’m sure she had plenty of help from Jesse Jackson) The fact that she was going all over the world campaigning for gay rights, leaves her in her later years as trying to be a lame copy of her late husband. But for entertainment value, you could not beat her funeral, which provided the nation with a front row seat to witness the most vicious verbal attacks ever on a sitting Presidents (George Bush) by two X-Presidents (Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton) that have ever been recorded on tape.

Watching the President sitting there on stage, as each nasty word came out of their mouths, was like witnessing a colossal volcano about to erupt. His face was red. Laura’s face was red. They were gripping their chairs.

All of us nobody’s were going, “Punch him George! Get up! Leave! Spit on them!”
But no, he just sat there.

Nevertheless, Michael Jackson still got up and said “I love you All” oblivious to anything that was going. I’m expecting Michael to turn up at Aretha’s funeral…and say. “I love you all”

They should book him for President Carter’s funeral in advance.

Yes, a great moment in political entertainment history.

Betty Friedan; Probably the woman most responsible for the feminist movement, no-fault divorce, dirty houses, and really messed up kids…although do NOT mention this to Gloria Steinham or Germaine Greer who fought her like the vicious bitches they are for the position of “Most Powerful Feminists Leader of the World.”

Betty was a better writer than Gloria (anyone who ever read a copy of MS would swear she was related to Alan Greenspan) I must admit, when I read her book, she pretended she was a poor woman who worked her poor fingers to the bone, with no credit. She got up early to write her novel that changed the world “The Feminine Mystique” What passion!

Years later I found out she was a Marxist journalist, who actually had a nanny taking care of her kids. She was very well off.

The fact that she did not come out against Clinton and Monica makes her a big fraud.

Betty Freidan is proof that the woman’s movement was part of the communism being introduced to eventually go from socialism to communism. That was the plan. And it seems to have worked in many places, sadly, it’s true.

Still, for many women who had no idea that they could actually be something besides their mother’s clones, she did a good thing. But the damage she did WAY outdoes any good. Betty Freidan considered herself to be an entertainer every time she appeared on Televion. In fact, the left has made her an icon.

And I hate to say it, but she’s one of the reasons I stayed a drummer, and did not become a Brittany Spears, which many producers guys (some famous) wanted me to be.

The results are…I remained a nobody. If I had become a front singer, I might not be writing this so it all works out in the end.

Peter Benchley
; I haven’t forgiven this man either. If he had not written the book “Jaws,” thereby leaving Spielberg the excellent material to scare the whole world senseless of even walking in up over their angles into any ocean, the world would have lost all those TV reruns on labor day.

When I was a kid, I was in the ocean every day. After I saw the movie…well, let’s just say I haven’t gotten in the ocean since. Not to mention, sharks were probably killed in more numbers after the movie, than any other creature in the sea. Why didn’t Al Gore come out against this guy?

Unfortunately, Steve Irwin was still a kid when the movie came out, or he might have been wrestling sharks.

Nevertheless, “Jaws” is shown at least 50 times a year, and will continue to be shown to our great grandchildren until there are no more sharks left in the ocean. That’s entertainment supreme.

Slobodan Milosevic; One day, out of the clear blue sky, President Clinton announced there was a very evil man…who must be killed at the criminal court. But they had to catch him first.
So Clinton tried to hit him by dropping huge bombs over Kosovo, but darn it, the guy kept moving around. Unfortuanly he was hitting everybody else, and so the whole country and everybody in it had to leave… because, darn it, that guy just kept moving around.

(Later he would say the same thing about bin Laden)

And for quite a while, we Americans had the entertaining front row seats of watching thousands of well dressed people (I couldn’t figure out how so many poor people could be so clean and so well dressed) leave their homes and go into the camera, where Dustin Hoffman had popcorn and a movie called “Wag the Dog” To entertain them.

He finally died in jail. Some say they just killed him, because he was no longer needed on the nightly news casts.

Milton Freidman; This Nobel Prize winning economist advocated an unfettered free market. Mr. Freidman, all the people who have lost their jobs to foreigners are having a drink right now in honor of your death--- try not to take it personal.

And being as there is a big free market in marijuana and porn, Milton Freidman is responsible for at least half of the American entertainment.

Our rulers LOVE free trade. Gives them entertainment they can’t get anywhere else on earth.

Robert Altman; A man who made millions of woman get a Farah Faucet haircut, even though we couldn’t afford her teeth. (I was one of them.) Robert, by creating “Charlie’s Angels” started that whole art of bringing in the fantasy that a woman can beat up men, and in every frame. I just saw a movie the other night where one woman beat up thousands of men…all by herself. No kidding. It was a trip.

She did it all with a perfect navel showing, and her hair changing colors in mid-kick…add a tight black leather suit, and you’ve got entertainment!

My husband says it was the worst movie he’d ever seen, but he lied.

He was also the producer of MASH, the longest running TV program in the history of television. A whole generation of baby boomers grew to love Hawkeye. This was a sitcom about intelligent doctors who did their job, but hated war.

Later we learned that Hawkeye was talented, intelligent, but a not very educated liberal. He actually played Hawkeye for so long, he thought he was the guy in real life.

Robert Altman also said he would move to France if Bush was elected, but of course, like most liberals, he lied.

Still, MASH was a great show, and most would agree…great entertainment.

Alexander Litvenenko; an Ex-Russian spy, who told the world he was poisoned by Putin, because he told the world that it was Putin that was sponsoring all the terrorists, but in the last minutes of his life, he became a Muslim.

He was the Andy Warhol, fifteen minutes of fame by dying a slow death, very entertaining news story of 2006.

Patsy Ramsey:
If you asked anyone who watched this whole drama, almost EVERYONE, except the experts, said…Patsy did it. We thought that she “accidentally” killed her own child…because well, she was such a wacko.

The husband had great police connections and is probably visiting Kenneth Lay every time he goes to Switzerland.

And just when we forgot about it all, suddenly some guy came out of the dens of the brothels of Thailand, and confesses to the crime, RIGHT at the time Israel was losing the war in Lebanon. He was very angry that he did not get a better meal on the plane. He was released on good behavior and probably had a decent dinner at the White House before he went to Switzerland to visit with Ken Lay.

This guy was GREAT entertainment, even if he was a pervert.

Mike Douglas; Mr. Entertainment himself. He was so rich from making up game shows; he probably would have taken over Dubai if Za Za Gabor would have gone with him.

He is the real reason we now have reality TV, and video games. People just got so sick of game shows; we were looking for something else. Besides, just how many times can you hear “AND BEHING CURTAIN NUMER ONE” and watch some smuck win the motorcycle you always wanted and could never in a million years afford.

It was too depressing. Entertaining, but depressing.

Don Knotts; This guy was a jewel. He played the bumbling idiot so well that he worked for his whole life. If not for Don Knotts, I doubt that Opey would now be a famous producer.

Don Knotts always gave us hope, because even if we were not the best specimen on the block, we were never as bad as Don Knotts.

A great entertainer. And a great soul.

Maureen Stapleton; Archie Bunker’s beloved mate, Edith Bunker. I especially loved one of her last performances where she played a lady who took care of “Michael” the archangel, played by John Travolta.

I refuse to say anything else but good things about her…one fabulous talent, and one of America’s best actresses.

James A. Van Allen: a guy who discovered the radiation belts surrounding the Earth, which gave a whole generation of suspicious and inquiring minds say… “We couldn’t have gone to the moon due to the van Allen belts melting the transistor radio!”

The conspiracy theories coming out of this fact entertain us all to this day.

Ed Bradley; Okay, we liked him, he was good. But they acted liked the Pope died.

Kenneth Lay; If you must have a heart attack before being sent to prison, might as well have one in the elite halls of Snowmass.

Ken Lay, even though he couldn’t remember anything about stocks, sure did remember every politician who was his friend. Snowmass is a very well kept secret of the rich and powerful.

Despite the misery he caused for all that were hurt by him, he was great fodder for the news for a good six months of ratings.

Ann Richards; Good god, who made this woman? She was like an old hooker looking for another job.

Joe Barbera, a giant of creativity, a cartoon artist which entertained millions with his art. For a while, the whole nation was going around saying. “What’s new with you, Boo-Boo.”

. And last but not least, the biggest loss of this bunch to many of us nobodies:

Steve Irwin
---Who was just about the most passionate person about animals that ever walked the earth. Who would have believed that one day, out of Australia, would come this overwhelming personality that everyone in the world just simply fell in love with.

Steve was the ultimate entertainer, and helped animals all over the planet by just being himself.

God, who else could go up to a 20-foot gator and say “Oh...isn’t she a buet!

At first we though he was NUTS…but then we all looked for him everywhere.

Steve had what Al Gore lacks, love. For the world and all the creatures in it.

He was above us all. There will never be another like him. Billy Joel was right. Only the good die young. I think I will miss him the most of all.

Nobody’s Perfect; Okay, I left some out. Peter Boyle, Jeanne J. Kirkpatrick, Pinochet, Maynard Ferguson, and all the losers on American idol.

But, I’m stopping, because every entertainer knows not to overdue it.

Nobody’s Knows; Will we see another Presidential funeral before 2008? Will Michael Jackson show up at Carter’s funeral and say “I love you All?” Will Kissinger live to be 200 years old?

How can I keep going on and on…? Nobody Knows, least of all, me.

Nobody Cares
; Tomorrow; Part three…Ford and Saddam.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Nobody’s Opinion; Since even somebody’s cannot buy their way out of death, and because of the look on Betty Ford’s face as she watched all of Washington’s finest go past her husband’s coffin, (Didn’t you wonder what she was thinking? Could it even be printed?) I decided to look into some of the people who died last year…and give my usual nobody’s opinion on how they affected me, and all the rest of the world, just for fun: sort of a nobody’s 2006 obituary.

And since I was a musician most of my life, I’ll start with them.

Lou Rawls; In the annals of American pop music, this guy was a fine example of how a man’s deep-toned voice can send a woman into sexual submission. I’m sure many men from the fifties discovered this little secret and the baby boomers whose parents are still alive might asked them just who were they playing on the record player the night they were conceived. Despite what you hear, I bet it was Lou, not Frank Sinatra. And Lou came before Barry “South Park” White.

Rawls reminds us that Chicago actually produced a worthy soul…because when I think of Chicago, I think of Hillary Clinton, Al Capone, and the fact that it’s the coldest place on earth. It’s warmer at the South Pole.

I know, Oprah shops on Michigan Avenue, but that’s irrelevant.

Lou also went to school with Sam Cooke. So, there you go. Lou made over…seventy albums. That’s a lot. The man worked hard.

He also served as a paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne Division, and was a favorite for singing the National Anthem at various sporting events…which is why we can forgive him for appearing in episodes of Baywatch.

Actually, he had died once before in a car accident, but was brought back, and was in a coma for a while. Since this did not happen in Florida, he was allowed to live.

For the MND men, Lou was not without his share of woman troubles. His wife of two years transferred $350,000 of his money into her private account. Lou, let her live, although he was pretty upset about the matter.

But in the end, all the world will remember Lou as the voice behind the beer. Now when you hear “When You Say Bud” you will probably not remember that it was Lou Rawl’s golden vocals that made you want to drink that stuff that tastes like…

No, you will just down the stuff and not even know why.

Budweiser stock holders all over the world, bow your heads in prayer.

Lou Rawls, will always remind me of baseball, beer, and why men and women are not equal. Just imagine Better Midler singing “When you say Bud…” Do you want a beer?

I rest my case.

Lou, we will miss you.

Wilson Pickett: Let’s get one thing straight here…Wilson Pickett was the youngest of 11 children, and his mother used to beat him with kitchen skillets, furniture, the iron and the ironing board, the old fenders of cars, in fact any thing that was handy…and yet…unlike Saddam Hussein, who was also beaten as a boy, he did not grow up to kill thousands of people.

Do not use this excuse for Saddam in front of me.

Nevertheless, he did carry a shotgun in his car, and threaten to kill the mayor of a New Jersey town one night. He also hit an 86-year-old man one night while driving drunk. But hey--- when you work in bars, people DO send you drinks. What are you suppose to do, refuse them? You might get shot for being stuck-up. (This was before they had designated drivers.)

What Wilson did give the world was two of the most fun songs ever written; Mustang Sally, and the Midnight Hour.

When I first heard the Midnight Hour, I was at a “Sock Hop” (Kids took off their shoes and danced in their socks, go figure) and I had NO idea what happened in the midnight hour, but it sure sounded fun. Later, I used to play Mustang Sally every night, because it had such a great beat. It never failed to get people on the dance floor.

Mustang Sally, You’d better slow your Mustang Down
Mustang Sally… Put your big flat feet on the ground”

Mustang Sally was the first Ugly Betty, but with a great car.

Wilson also wrote “Born to be Wild” and is the reason I got to go on Steppenwolf’s tour bus, because I met the drummer right after the hit came out and they gave a concert here.

And you may not believe this, but the guys were perfect gentlemen to me and my girlfriend.

I did not know until this minute that Wilson Picket wrote that song. I was so impressed that the singer of Steppenwolf had written such a hit. I admit--- I was a bit star struck. (Okay, how many of you read the labels.)

It is now being used to get young people to buy pick-up trucks, and have wild parites while driving them.

He also wrote “You Keep Me Hanging On,” a soon to be Dreamgirls new hit, and he also wrote for Creedence Clearwater, Hootie and His Blowfish, and Bruce Springsteen.

Which is why I almost cannot forgive him for writing the most awful song in all of history, "Sugar, Sugar.”

He even wrote for the Grateful Dead, who I am sure, was grateful to have anyone write them a song being as they were on one long acid trip for twenty years.

Wilson, you did okay. Hope you’re riding in that Mustang in the sky.

Gene Pitney; You have to be really up there to remember this guy. Anyone younger than thirty will only be able to remember the song “Town Without Pity” because John Travolta sang it in a movie, and did a pretty good rendition of it.

It is said that maybe the rolling Stones would not exist if not for this guy, who was in the studio when they did their first recording, “Not Fade Away.” His “uncle,” Phil Specter, was also in the studio. (Nothing like a famous uncle to get you in.)

Gene was from Hartford, Connecticut and stayed married to his childhood sweetheart. He wrote “Stop in the Name Of Love” for the Supremes (who Phil Specter developed and produced) and “Hello Mary Lou” for Ricky Nelson.

Gene also wrote one of my favorite songs of the sixties, “He’s a Rebel,” which is why I am going to forgive him for writing that really stupid song, “Red Rubber Ball,” another senseless song that made it to number one, and gave an unknown band the chance to be the warm up band for the Beatles first tour in America.

James Brown; Yes, James Brown died on Christmas day.

James Brown single-handedly kept everyone in America thin, because you could not help but dance every time you heard his songs. Instead of outlawing margarine, people should just eat margrine and trans-fat and just put on “I Fell Good” once a day and dance. You will lose much more weight than if you play Brittany Spears.

Every time James Brown said “oow” for some reason your feet just jump in the air. Eddie Murphy;s famous "Hot Tub" spoof on Saturday Night Live is a perfect example of what happens when you dance to James Brown.

Brittany Spears makes most people want to watch her. (no clue why) You will gain weight watching Brittany Spears, or searching for her on the internet…stop it.

Anyway, James picked cotton when he was young, committed armed robbery and spent time in prison, just like Johnny Cash.

He was married four times, and his wives kept saying he hit them, and then he’d go back into jail. I imagine he might have gotten this habit from his boxing days.

But as he grew older, he became sort of a conservative (which ALL his black and liberal friends never talked about, hoping, like the flu, he would get over it.)

And when he came out with his “Living in America” song which Bill O’Reilly still plays, (from Rocky IV)…James Brown was our American Godfather King.

Michael Jackson copied him, but changed the “ow” to “eeee” because unlike James Brown, Michael does not live in a man’s world. He’s a cross between an eel and an Alien, and lives somewhere in Las Vegas now.

Still, at his funeral, Michael made a grand entrance. You would have thought James Brown died just so Michael could make a photo op. “I love you all.” Yes, those people were there in Michael's mind to see him.

James, on behave of some Americans; please forgive the intrusion of the great pretender.


Anyway, without music, our lives would be less rich. God bless them all, for music is the fruit of love. (Shakespeare) Play on in heaven for us.