Nobody's Absurdities, No. 57--Anyone who has flown into the Las Vegas Airport and witnessed the thousands of shell-shocked, dazed and confused pitiful souls searching for the flight out of “What just happened to me here?Where’s the exit sign?” knows how it felt to witness the 2,308th Democratic debate last week.
As most people know, your chances of winning in Vegas are about as likely to happen as hearing Al Gore say he thinks the planet has plenty of polar bears---but that doesn’t stop Americans from going to Vegas every year just to see the lights and the “action,” even though the visit might cost them their house, their children’s braces, and any future repairs on their soon-to-be mandatory windmill furnace.
This may explain why, despite the odds, millions of people also go back to the Democratic Party. It’s got to be that sheer thrill of confusion and the promise that hopefully, with one punch at the voting booth, you will not have to work another day at Wal-Mart.
How else do you explain it?
The Democrats could not have picked a better city to have this debate in, because Las Vegas was built on prostitution, drugs, corruption, and Harry Reid’s real estate adventures. It is a city they all know well. Of course, the real credit for this City of Sins, goes to the Chicago’s democratic teamster’s pension funds, cleverly invested by the Mafia to create the ultimate mirage of “you win…nothing” out of a pile of sand.
Yes, the one thing the DNC knows how to do is put on a magnificent show while you lose your life and so the Democrats brought out a brand new deck of dazzling cards in this “slight of hand” show of magical skill just to ease your pain.
We had: Q♦A Queen of Diamonds---Madame Hillary (Queen of the House)
A♠ an Ace of Spades---Obama (Tell Your Mama)
J♦A Jack of Diamonds---Johnnie (The Shark) Edwards
K♠A King of Spades---Joe (Knuckles) Biden
K♥A King of Hearts---Chris (The Bleeder) Dodds
J♥ A Jack of Hearts---Bill (Pass-the-border) Richardson
And the ever-lovable Joker---Dennis (Send Him Out for Lunch) Kucinich
There was only one card missing---K♣ The King of Clubs, Bill (Lover Boy) Clinton. Like any good mob boss, he stayed out of the casino and watched it on his treadmill, between cheeseburgers.
It was a quick game of “The House wins.” And since, as usual here in America, nobody has explained to you this pass week just how this happened, I will give you the Vegas odds.
Hey, if I don’t, who will?
First, you set up the stage; The House stacks the deck by stacking the audience with the Queen of the House’s supporters, who booed each play against her on cue. Also stacked in the deck were planted questions, and other players in on the con.
The only one left out of the show was the American white male, who they have already found out, is not going to LasVegas this year, because he actually knows the odds.
Q♦ Hillary, made only two mistakes: Her opening sentence in which she stated she was wearing a suit of asbestos (huh?) and her closing statement, in which she mentioned the important planted question that if she had to choose between pearls and diamonds, which would she choose? Like a true greedy Queen, she said, “both.”
Not one soul in the liberal or conservative “media” house of cards brought up these two stupid remarks that Q♦ Hillary wanted the nation of gamblers to know about. I suppose she was telling us if we dare touch her, we will become sick of asbestos poisoning and die on the blackjack table, while holding a winning hand.
Frankly, Hillary doesn’t need a suit made of asbestos. She knows where all the bodies are buried (as she cleverly let Obama know) thus giving her the Dead Man’s Hand---an advantage only the House can use.
As the curtain rises millions of Americans were anticipating the pre-set-up big fight between the two leading contenders…the Queen of Diamonds and the Ace of Spades. The only rules of the game given by Wolfie (The Mole) were: Stay on Topic.
And of course the rule was ignored because there are no rules for the House. As we approach our table…I suggest a shot of tequila.
Topic: Immigration: So Q♦ Hillary; Are you for licenses to illegal’s or not?
Q♦ Hillary: ignores rule of “topic” right off the bat, changing the topic to health care. But she’s the Queen of the House, so no one says a thing.
A♠ Obama (Tell Your Mama): People can’t afford health care, Queen Hillary.
Q♦ Hillary: I cannot let that go unanswered…
A♠ Obama (Tell Your Mama): Hillary’s not enforcing mandate. (Heckled by Queen’s lower cards in the peanut gallery.)
Nobody Notes: Huh? Neither one of them said a thing…no clue what they were talking about, but who cares? The staged fight was on.
In comes Wolfie (The Mole) who continues fight: Well Q♦ Hillary---J♦ Johnnie (The Shark) Edwards said this about you!
J♦ Johnnie (The Shark) Edwards: Q♦ Hillary is for the war, voted with Bush, doesn’t want change, and then he talked about continued attack on Americans by corrupted takeover corporations. (Handing Americans his business card under the table)
Nobody Notes: J♦ Johnnie wins a few coins. Cha-ching.
Q♦ Hillary: Big Whoopi Las Vegas smile. “I have been working for thirty-five years (although the records are sealed) so we shouldn’t throw mud.” This is a warning to ‘The Shark’ to shut up. You do not attack the House Queen.
K♠ Joe (Knuckles) Biden: Hey, guys, the American people are asleep right now, and I’m the only one here with exactly thirty-five years experience. I passed the Violence against Women Act, the Crime Bill…” K♠ Joe is quickly shut up by Wolfie (the Mole) because Joe has actually gotten stuff done, unlike Queen Hillary, and we must not remind the public of this. Shut up Knuckles. Biden who is part of the con, instantly obeys Wolfie, and puts his head down…oops, yeah, sorry…I forgot.
J♦ Johnnie (The Shark) Edwards: Hillary, this it not personal…your still using your “womanhood” to attack anyone who attacks you by saying that if anyone attacks you they are playing out of the Republican handbook. People have no health care…nobody is taking care of the hungry…
Nobody Notes; this is because we have to feed the rest of the world first, but that is not brought up.
J♥ Chris (The Bleeder) Dobbs; Hey, we need to come together and not attack each other now. Lay off Queen Hillary!
Nobody Notes: The ‘Hearts’ here plan on taking everything a poor gambler’s got and giving it to the Queen, including your kids.
K♥ Bill (Yo Quiero) Richardson: quotes the old John and Yoko song and says he wants to “Give Peace a Chance.” The Spanish Doughboy says, “Be positive!”
Nobody Notes: Somehow I don’t think giving North Korea mountains of plutonian and billions of dollars to build nuclear bombs was exactly what John Lennon had in mind…something that Bandito Bill did for King and Queen Clinton when they served before.
Wolfie (The Mole) sees that things are getting out of line because no one talked about immigration. So he asks a question to remind them why they are all here at this debate, which is…to support the House, meaning the Queen.
Topic: The House---Will you support the nominee? (The Queen.)
Yes, absolutely says the house! Place your bets!
Topic: Driver’s Licenses---Yes or no. Who supports giving illegal driver’s licenses?
J♠ Obama “Tell Your Mama”: I support both licenses and free college education for the undocumented, but here’s what I will say to get some independent votes; I want English learned and minimum wages paid to these undocumented workers because they are not coming here to drive or hang out at the burger places.
Nobody Notes: Evidently Obama has not witnessed “undocumented workers” taking old mustangs and making them into 747’s on MTV, which is why they cannot fit into the burger lines.
J♦ Johnnie (The Shark) Edwards: NO…give them a path to citizenship, and then we give them a license!
J♥ Chris (The Bleeder) Dodds: No…who cares? They drive now.
J♠ Obama (Tell Your Mama): Yes…paths to reform, then rants goes on and on and on…he keeps looking up, obviously picturing visions of Jack Kennedy in his head to stay calm.
Q♦Hillary: NO…but she is lying because she just said yes two weeks ago…and got slimed by the American people big time.
The Joker Denny: gets mad at the question. Forget the topic…How dare all Mexicans are not being called “undocumented!”
K♥ Bill (Dinaro) Richardson: Hey, I’ve already given all illegals anything they wanted. Bring some more in…I’m Spanish!
Topic: Education---Should we actually pay good teachers more?
J♥ Bill (The Bleeder) Dodds: Teachers should go into poor neighborhoods where they might be killed; the Feds should pay for their insurance plans.
Joker Kenny: My father was a truck driver and we should unionize the White House. (off topic)
K♥ Bill (Jose) Richardson : Only if they go into the third world nations of the Southwest and teach the poor Spanish kids in a language they understand…Spanish! All teachers pay raise should start at $40,000, with free kindergarten, free food, and free college loans in exchange for 2 years national service in Columbia helping the drug lords draw better maps.
Q♦ Hillary: does not answer question---instead uses that old trick of the House…switch decks. Instead of “it takes a village” now it “takes a team.” Weed out bad teachers she says. (Right, she knows teachers have tenure so, won’t happen.) “Our schools have served us very well.” The queen says.
Nobody Notes: Yes---our schools have served the Democratic Party well, doing their job of keeping decrepit democrats in power by making sure that all our children remain ignorant in math, history, and real science. Otherwise they would grow up to be adults who might actually see the huge advantage to The House. Big Cha-ching!
K♠ Joe (Knuckles) Biden: His wife is a teacher with 856 degrees, and that’s the answer. Teachers need more degrees…it’s a hard world.
Topic: Pakistan---What do we do about the situation. National Security or Democracy?
K♠ (Knuckles) Biden: Take away all the fighter jets we’re given Masharraf. I have a detailed plan. (Does anyone care?) But the way to solve this problem is for us to give the middle class in India all our money---money for their schools, their jobs, and their health care. (Obviously he has stock in Microsoft.) India’s human rights and my stock options are much more important than our annihilation. I vote democracy.
K♥ Bill (Pacino) Richardson: Of course human rights are more important than US National Security! But if I become President, and give India billions, I will demand they do this and this and this and this (sounding just like the hated President…George Bush.)
J♦-Johnnie (The Shark): Simple, bet the House. He would get rid of all nuclear weapons on the earth. Piece of cake. Democracy by one--me.
J♠ Obama (Tell Your Mama): Hmmm…not sure...don’t want to bet against the House. I’ll pass. Hit me next time. Yeah, democracy.
J♥ (The Bleeder) Dodds: Hey, Bush is right. National Security should come first! If we let all Islamic nations have democratic elections, they would still vote in people who want to kill us. (What?)
Nobody Notes: Bill is playing all his cards. Hoping to get a job in either party as Secretary of Defense. Where are the strippers?
Q♦ Hillary; Well…she told the White House to go over and talk to Iran, but they did not listen to her. She would manage—MANAGE the world from here---by dictatorship. China and Russia would then do whatever she said! (Big applause from the house, seeing the Royal Flush laid down by the Queen) Dictatorships trumps democracy!
Nobody Notes: The Joker was skipped over. He says “Hello, Hello!” Restrooms are over here!”
Topic: Iraq---What about this surge?
K♥ Bill (Taco) Richardson, Governor of Old Mexico: Men are dying, they are wounded. Get out, let the UN take over, and take that 500 billion and give it to Mexico.
Joker Dennis: I am the only one who voted against the war. Bring home everyone, and no more first strikes. (He was picking union grapes on 9/11. Vines did not fall on his head, although he might have lost oxygen to the brain while being strangled by one in the field that day.)
J♠ Obama (Tell My Mama and fed her dog while you’re at it.): Troops are great…we must talk, something I’m very good at. I’ll pass again.
Nobody Notes: Queen Hillary was not asked about Iraq. Did anyone notice this favor to the House! Cha ching!
Topic: China’s Toys---What to do?
J♦ Johnnie (The Shark); Reminds everyone that a past ♣King passed NAFTA without mentioning his name, and Hillary is part of Corporate America. Hit me. Ross Perot warned us.
Q♦ Hillary: Not their fault. Has big smirk…all she saw Ross Perot’s silly charts, which she ignored as she does all important information about National Security. NAFTA did not work out the way we wanted…so we need to pass international laws and rights which my husband the K♣ Bill (lover boy) Clinton, will oversee. The House deals John a pair of two’s.
Nobody Notes: Big House bouncers with biceps as big as voltswagons are being seen closing in around Johnnie (The Shark)
J♥ (The Bleeding) Dodd: after seeing the bouncers says---hey, I’m all for globalization! Don’t forget me…anyone…I’m up for a job! I have no cards left to play! I’m innocent!
J♠ Obama (Okay, Don’t Tell My Mama): Japan has inspectors, why don’t we? I opposed CAFTA because blacks are losing jobs, and I need the black vote. He lays down three ten’s.
K♠ (Knuckles) Biden: President Bush is not enforcing the law when it comes to China. He sets down the usual con of three “blame the Republican” sixes.
Topic: Energy---What should we do?
J♠ Obama (Tell Your Neighbor’s Mama): supports nuclear, but not dumping it in Yucca Mountain…have no idea where to go with it, somebody else can worry about it. But he will cap greenhouse gases and charge big money for solar and wind. He’s not losing, but he’s not winning either. He’s got his poker face on and playing it straight.
Nobody Notes: People who are tripping on their sidewalks at night due to faint solar lawn-lights find this answer very disheartening. Fire-flies are brighter.
K♥ Bill (yo mamita) Richardson; I was in charge of shutting down Yucca! We need to get rid of everything and Americans must sacrifice! After all, we are not going to rebuild our infrastructure, and will soon have 200 million Mexicans here! Get a grip you selfish Americans! If you can fly on dilapidated airplanes, you can move into smaller apartments! Sell that house! Move to Acapulco!
Topic: Boys Club---Are the boys unfairly picking on the Queen?
Nobody Notes: Wolfie (The Mole) sets up the house again. Question has nothing to do with the American people.
Q♦ Hillary: They attack me because I’m ahead. I want to see the first woman President, and you will make me that because I hold all the cards. (Smile) Cha-ching!
J♦ Johnnie (The Shark): Hey, this is not personal. Hillary is controlled by corporations. I’m not picking on her! She cheats! (Booed by the House)
Intermission; Time for a DRINK AT THE BAR! AND MORE CHIPS! Gamblers go back the rooms for more credit cards. The House takes a seat, because its undecided planted voter’s time!
Nobody Notes: The first planted voter is a boy who has served three terms in Iraq and who is NOT embarrassed to show up with his mother. The good news is; his mother doesn’t want him to die. The bad news is; serving in the military did not make a man out of her son. Most sons at that age would rather die than be seen on national TV with their mom speaking for them which shows the military is failing on at least one important level. Someone tell Cheney.
Undocumented Voter Question---One: Mom fears her son will now go to Iran. She has been so upset that she died her hair in two never–seen-before Revlon colors.
K♠ (Knuckles) Biden: We will impeach Bush before that happens. (Ca-ching, ching, ching, ching…crowd goes wild…full house!)
Q♦ Hillary: Don’t worry…your son will not go to Iran. Bush has just festered the war like a pimple waiting to pop. But you as a mom must understand that Iran has killed our soldiers. (Pulling out an invisible ace for gamblers at home.) Come to Vegas! The land of opportunities! The Queen once again is stacking her deck.
J♦ Johnnie (The Shark): “God Bless you!” he says. Pulls a God “Ace” card out of his sleeve because no one else at the table has thought of it.
J♠ Obama (Tell Oprah’s Mama): I agree with Hillary (Puts a bet on the house and then folds.) We should go and talk to everyone. I will meet with all US enemies so she doesn’t have to, because she’s a woman, and scared, but don’t tell anyone that right now.
Undocumented Voter Question---Two; A white woman, whose son is also in Iraq, (who knows where dad is)…wants to know why her son only makes $30,000 and other guys make $100,000?
K♥ Bill (say ello' to my little friend) Richardson: I would pull out everyone before I’d be forced to actually pay the soldiers well! Takes a drink of his martini.
J♠ Obama (Have Your Mama Tell Her Mama): I would too! But--- I would give vet’s free health care forever, and their choice of doctors in Thailand!
Nobody Notes: The Queen was very nicely skipped again. She might need $100,000 protection someday.
Undocumented Voter Question---Three; was on the subject of racial profiling made by an Arab so black people would identify, but white voters who are sick of being told they are racist would not get mad.
J♦ Johnnie (The Sinking Shark); The Patriot Act was abused--- profiling should be stopped. (Here’s my card.) Close Guantanamo, because there’s no money for lawyers there, they won’t let us sue. There also will be no torture in my administration, unless you do not learn Spanish, and refuse to keep working three jobs so “the shark” can send the poor of the world into American colleges instead of American children, who need to wait in line.
Joker Kenny: Finally pulls out an ace. He was the only one who voted against The Patriot Act because he read it. Impeach everyone! (Impeach! Impeach! Ca ching, ching, ching, ching!) The Joker, like all small town grape pickers, only plays the nickel slots.
K♠ Joe (Knuckles) Biden: I voted for it because it doesn’t have profiling in it. Knuckles is losing interest…he’s eyeing the waitress.
Nobody Notes; Queen Hillary was spared showing her cards about the racial issue too! Cha ching! She has already gone to the top room upstairs for a massage from CNN.
Undocumented Voter Statement---Four: A Spanish man who represents illegal’s in Las Vegas, states with unequivocal certainty that no terrorist has ever crossed our southern borders! (Even though we have them on video tape) Not even a question.
K♥ Bill (co-co-rac-ca) Richardson: Stop demonizing illegals! (Remembers he has to home.) Tell Mexico to give jobs to their people! Legalize them!
J♥ Chris (The Bleeder) Dodds: Jumps up and starts talking in Spanish! No one has a clue what he said, but the Mexicans will surely want him for the new Mayor of Las Vegas next year. Chris is also in on the con, but got just a little bit too excited. It happens.
Q♦ Hillary is skipped AGAIN! The house will never confront the border issue, why gamble? She is upstairs in her Presidential top floor mansion counting the profits for the night.
Undocumented Voter Question---Five: A middle-aged white woman asks if she will get her Social Security and Medicare benefits. She has trouble with the planted question so it is whispered in her ear. She is a Casino Cashier.
J♠ Obama (Forget Your Mama): Hey…Great culinary work! (She must eat her chips.) Since there is no money left to give, he would solve problem by taxing the 6% of the nation that makes over $90,000 which Hillary won’t do. In Medicare, he would put more money in prevention by banning driving, smoking, and giving money to Hillary.
Q♦ Hillary: Well, I am for fiscal responsibility! That’s why I had to take the White House furniture when I left…it saved me from having to buy new furniture for my house in New York. She won’t tax the rich, she says. Instead she starts singing…WE have big problems…right here in river city, and it starts with T which stands for me, and one trillion dollars…
J♠-Obama (I’ll get Osama): You sound like Rudy, Hillary. (Booed by the house.) A trillion dollar tax cut. Obama has counted his cards, and it’s not good.
Q♦ Hillary: I refuse to tax firefighters! And Superintendents of all our schools who make big cushy salaries…all those who supply me with campaign dollars! Why, if Reagan and Tip O’Neil once fixed the budget (displaying all the aces in the deck) so can I!
Nobody Notes: Hillary obviously had a few drinks before coming back down.
Undocumented Voter Question---Six: A young black wanna-be-a-Hillary-clone girl with huge black glasses wants to know about the Supreme Court. She forgot to ask about abortion as told, so the commentator puts it in for her.
J♥ Bill (Now the Undertaker) Dodds: Well heck, I am pro-choice but I would never want a justice voting against Roe v Wade! Hey, if you can cheat, so can I!
Nobody Notes: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, including unborn fetuses.
K♠ Joe (Knuckles) Biden: I want a dog catcher as a nominee…instead of an intellectual. And yes, now abortion is about the right to privacy, not murder. It’s the right to murder, yes, we’ve changed the words…get with the house.
J♠ Obama (Tell Your Mama to Check the Back Door Locks): falls asleep.
Joker Kenny: Free Abortions for everyone, and free prenatal care, and free money for the baby doctors, and free chips for the House! Let’s PARTY!
Q♦ Hillary: Abortion is all about privacy---why else do you think we’ve sealed all our records?
And with the Queen’s last words, the great show ended, the curtain went down, and yes, as usual the house wins…it always wins. Wolfie the Mole lived to see another day.
So gamblers of America, remember…you don’t bet against the Democratic house, it’s covered in asbestos and false hopes. You’d have better odds of winning in Las Vegas, or finding global warming on the Moon.
Wait…I’d better check with my bookie on that last bet about the moon and get back to ya.