Nobody Reports What Nobody Reports
This is me...this is the look I had on my face all day while watching Ted Kennedy's funeral:
"God, Hillary's hair looks terrible! She going back to her old, "I'm in college and defending the Black Panther, no makeup, Wesley College prep school look! She wants to go back to the beginning and start over. Poor darling, she's losing it."
"And Bill! Look how cocky that guy is! Always gets in the camera...how DOES he do that? Makes everyone in the room stand around him like puppy dogs, waiting for a small treat. Really. When I saw him I wanted to run and hide...what is WRONG with those people?"
"RUN! RUN! GET AWAY!"
"Jimmy Carter sits soooo far away from everyone else. The Saudis are watching him...he has to play this JUST right. They both look like zombies. I think they should settle down, I really do. "
"Wow...the Kennedy looks like...dare I say it? A tribe! It's the Irish Mafia! It looks like they all got back from the red-headed yacht club. Every man has a blue double breasted blazer. I'm in Caddy Shack Gone to Hell.
There are NO black people in the audience anywhere! Didn't they have any black friends? I mean, civil rights leaders and all---I don't blame Michelle Obama for looking like she wanted to smash everyone face in...sitting with all those white people!..Whooo. They could have at least invited Denzel."
"Did you SEE that? Vicki Kennedy completely snubbed John Kerry! And look at George W. Bush---he is all alone---nobody wants to talk to him. He looks like he is the lone duck sitting in the middle of a cement pond."
"Oh, look at all the polite fake smiles. Laura Bush has it down great. The other woman can't hide what their feeling...they ALWAYS have fake smiles...but Laura's fake smile--and she has just one, is perfect...I really like her."
"Look...Obama is doing his "Cesar's profile" pose. That has GOT to hurt his neck, how long can he keep that up? He puts his nose up any higher and the Bishops will think he wants a wafer. "
"What? They put it up to the children to talk about how everyone should have health care, and free homes, and free educations, and...how Teddy loved to sail!"
"How...tasteless! Can you believe that?" (sure you can)
(I just saw little Teddy sobbing at his grandpa's grave, on C-Span. Didn't that happen at Micheal Jackson's funeral? Will that be on my vaccine box?)
"Hold on...who are THOSE two guys with the bald heads and big shaggy beards! Man...do they look mean. No WAY are they Catholic priests. Those are Obama's boys. Those guys work for Hamas...I guess that's the price you pay if you want the President to speak at your funeral...he gets to bring his own puppies."
"Ted Kennedy Jr. gets a rousing standing Ovation for his testimony? Wow, I thought this was a funeral? But no...he IS the new HOPE! Not one "ya know" in the whole thing. The whole Kennedy crowds now sees that the great fortunes will continue...all they needed was ONE good speaker. Whew..thank GOD."
"The other brother...is speaking...wait, HE's the elected official? And Ted let him this kid on his boat!?"
"The President is now gracing us with his "talent"--the only black man at the funeral besides the military pall bearers and X-President Bush's body guard. Great speech. Just WHO is his speech writer? He's leaving the,"I had no food, and you fed me, I was thirty and you gave me drink" soppy stuff for the priests, who talked about health care even before they finally made it to the grave site. Ted made sure that everyone knew health care was HIS legacy...not Hermine, not Ron's...Harry Kennedy."
"Oh no...Maria Shriver is falling apart. Her eyelashes are falling on her cheek. First her mother dies, then Teddy---poor woman. Or has that fire in California gotten too close for comfort?..Wow, she needs Valium."
"Somebody help us. Which pearls are REAL and which are fake?"
"Ava Maria...sung...about as perfect as you can. Well, why ELSE would I watch this stuff?"
"My god, everyone is escorting the casket out singing "God Bless America" well, that's not too political...is it?"
"Oh no...I just thought...what if Jimmy Carter dies soon? Or daddy Bush? Could I go through this AGAIN?"
"Why do I do this to myself?...WHY?"
Okay...HBO resurrected Ted Kennedy as the most god fearing, wonderful and generous man that ever walked the earth. They played the Nixon tapes to show how they were out to get poor Ted. (Oh, the democrats NEVER look for scandals to report...never.)
Republicans look like they are the meanest people that walked the planet, and the TED KENNEDY was the best President.
What----he was never President, you say?
You could have fooled me.