Friday, May 25, 2007

Diamonds Are NOT a Girl's Best Friend

Nobody’s Opinion: Reading MND’s many articles about “feminism” lately has really been fun. To diamond…or NOT to diamond, seems to be certainly as serious a debate as the “No MMD’s were found.”

Why…men giving diamonds to women should be outlawed! It’s disgraceful! It’s downright extortion! No woman is worth it! After all, what does HE get out of it but huge debt!

Long ago, the bride had a dowry, which consisted of goats, land, gold, sheep, and an extra sister or two to help out with the cooking.

It was the man who got the “presents.” When did it change?

With the first prostitute?

Being as I have never liked diamonds at all, thinking them a pretty boring stone unless you can buy at least something as big as the Queen’s…and being as it has been a ceremonial custom in the Christian religion for so long (And I am a sucker for traditional institutions, which are being torn away) --- I hate to go into the subject…but I must agree with everyone on one point.

I too have noticed there are many women who think that the wedding set they have on their fingers is actual proof of their superiority over all other women, and physical proof of their superiority over the man who gave it to them.

It’s the same reason they can sell thousand dollar purses to idiots…vanity.

I happen to wear a plain gold wedding band, which was bought at Grandpa’s Pigeons. We got TWO gold bands for the bargain price of $100.00. (Okay…gold-plated)

There was no engagement. We skipped that part.

We were ecstatic because at the time, it was about all we could afford. Who knew Grandpa Pigeon carried wedding bands next to the fishing tackle? What luck!

But I have run into those certain types of woman, you know the kind, and they can spoil my whole afternoon. They are convinced that they are somehow the greatest and most sexiest woman who ever walked the earth, who are just passing their time as a cashier selling perfume, or working at the local government food stamp place…these women seem to be everywhere.

There's a lot of them in banks.

They usually have the biggest, gaudiest diamond sticking off their hand SO high that they could easily open cans of pork and beans, puncture tires, or cut a slice of watermelon.

In fact, they can barely move their fingers, which usually have fake fingernails worth a quarter of their husband’s salaries.

And they WAVE it in front of your face (me) so much as if to say, “Well, look what MY husband got me. That means that YOU are a loser, and I am adored and I am as good in bed as Pamela Anderson. Honey, I GOT him around my little finger. I am the BOMB! ”

I immediately put on my best “Oh…that’s sooooo beautiful!” remark…and start feeling bad, which is exactly what they want you to feel to make themselves feel great.

I have made many a woman’s day when they look at my simple gold band, and they NEVER thank me, the hussy’s.

Inside I hope their husbands are cheating on them.

But, if you think that it ENDS with the diamonds…it doesn’t. The diamond is only the start. For instance: women compete with other women in little seemingly trivial matters…and they are ruthless.

Cooking and gardening can actually become lethal weapons.

Example: One year, my husband decided he was going to put up a small water fountain with a garden in the front of our front porch. We really got into it. He has an excellent eye for color, and it was something we did together…in fact, every year we expand on it.

Although---it did seem a bit strange when he got me to carry 500 bricks from the back yard to the front while all he did was placed them in place.

He’s so smart. He knew my wedding band would not get damaged.

Then, the strangest thing happened. All of a sudden, every man on the block was out in front of their houses putting in new brick walls, borders, shrubs, and flowers arrangements…poor guys. All the while the wives were standing on the front porch supervising them.

No blond hussy was going to challenge their gardening expertise!

Of course…we did such a good job…all the women hated me. Especially my next door neighbor.

You see, she had a gardenia bush, and I LOVE gardenias. Hers died last year and you guessed it…I had bought one after hers died.

I was so excited that I practically BEGGED her to come over and see it.

“No.” she said.

“Well, why don’t you get yourself another one” I said.

“I don’t have that kind of money.”

Now I know why she is always taking communion.

Yesterday, some lady rang my door and asked me if she could enter me in the “contest” for the best looking homes in the neighborhood.

So there it is. My neighbor is jealous of my diamond ring garden. She has a garden from K-mart.

She also has bad knees.

It doesn’t stop with gardens; it goes on to the INSIDE of the house. All the women will want to remodel their kitchen, their bedrooms, and the bathrooms where they put up towels that you must NEVER EVER touch.

I did that one time, and some kid (who was five at the time) asked me in the middle of summer…

“Why don’t you put away your Christmas towels in the bathroom?”

“Because I LIKE penguins and Santa, they make me happy!”

I didn’t want to tell him that I couldn’t afford to buy summer towels. (Well, actually I did tell him, but he didn’t believe me.)

So, as you can see…I’m still confused about this feminist thing. I’m not convinced that a woman milking a man for a diamond ring is exactly a “feminist” issue.

I think it’s a vanity-ego thing--all the way.

If my husband ever wanted to buy me a diamond, I’d probably say “How sweet of you honey, but how about a swimming pool instead?”

I’m not vain. I just want to make my neighbors jealous.

Nobody's Absurdities, No. 44--How Many Mexicans Does It Take To Screw A Country?

Nobody’s Absurdities, No. 44…How Many Mexicans Does It Take to Screw a Country?

Presidential Answer: As many as we can take.

Just ask our President. These two fine hard working “gardeners” are fine examples of how even billions of hard earned American tax dollars given to educate the Mexicans will probably not be enough.

I must agree with the President. You would NOT find an American willing to do this, because, unlike the illegal immigrants, the risk is too great--- we would have big medical bills if something happened to us.

Today in the Rose Garden, our President made a strong speech in support of joining Mexico with America. Like in the Orwell novel, 1984, according to him, black was white, and amnesty really wasn’t amnesty.

And when a bird dropped a big present on him in the garden, the news was put out that, yes--- when this has happened before to other Presidents it was considered a GOOD sign.

Funny---when that happens to anyone else, it’s usually a sign the day is starting off bad.

They really ARE getting desperate.

Due to the fact that millions of people are flooding the Congress with protests against the downfall of our nation, someone somewhere in the New York Times, decided the BEST thing to do was to put out the results of a poll.

Remember polls? The new way to tell you how to think? Why, the America people according to this poll were all for the Mexicans coming in, and basically being the slaves of the 21st century.

According to this “ABC poll.”

To put even more punch into the “message” of why we must give at least half of America back to Mexico, Chertoff, Bush’s National Security Comrade said, “People will be seeing teary-eyed children when parents are going to be deported.”

While all of us are wondering why in the world any parent in their right mind would go off and just leave their kids standing in another country, we forget that there plenty of Mexican extending family members already here to take care of them.

Hillary will make sure they get into state-sponsored schools, or go to the many Mexicans consultants in every city and get their ID cards, passports, bank accounts, and free passes to see Zorro. Besides, visits will be easy with the new superhighway coming. Plenty of room in the Mexican trucks.

And---just in case those trucks are filled with “bombs” the President has given himself an executive order (On May 7)that in a national emergency he can take control and become a dictator.

He could mandate vaccines, all guns to be confiscated, and all white people to open up their homes to Mexicans. All black people to open up their homes to gays, and Bill Clinton and his father to get along…

Wait…that happened already.

He could even order that all women get that vaccine for their cervical vagina protection...

And SPEAKING of vagina’s, as if cutting boobs up and stuffing them with plastic wasn’t enough, a new fade has hit the Western world called…designer vaginas.

We weren’t going to let the Arabs cut their women’s clitorises and get one over on OUR women, now were we?

According to most of the world, Angelina Jolie already has one. And I’m sure that Jane Fonda will be next.

This surgery is where they cut the shape of the outer lips (or labia) and they can shorten the vagina itself. The reason, it is said, is so they can get their “vulvas” to be flat with no protrusion and look like six-year-olds. Never mind that this will pretty much reduce any sort of 72 orgasms that some women can have in an hour. This number will be reduced to maybe just three a day.

I’m beginning to think they are taking this “youth” stuff a little too far. Your vagina might look like its six years old, but what are you going to do with your head? (Don’t answer that)

It even has a nice sounding name: “genitoplasty.”

America can sell anything.

I’m wondering if Ralph Lauren is going to get in on this: maybe some bright new colors: Labia Pink Lucence, or Vulva Venetian Red, or Genitals Green.

For the woman of color: Midnight Cream

(Okay, I’ll stop)


And speaking of designing…Anne Wojcicki, is now starting a company with 3.9 million dollars generously given to her by her rich husband, Sergy Brin, part owner of Google.

Google, in case you haven’t heard, has plans to get as MUCH information on every single person on the planet as they possibly can. That’s why they keep every record of where you go on your internet every day for 2 years. EU thinks this is a bit much, but that’s just because they didn’t think of it.

But, they don’t want to stop there! Oh no! They want everyone's DNA! SO…what a better way to collect it than to use Anne’s company to entice everyone to send in their DNA and she will be able to tell you WHO your ancestors were!

Forget the Mormon Church!

They have said they will then use the knowledge they collect to make designer drugs. Drugs that might even cure designer Vagina’s when they fade.

And then Al Gore will then be able to use the Google DNA data base to decide just what humans have the “right stuff” to be picked to remain on the planet.

After all, according to them, the planet can only hold one billion people.

Something tells me it going to be Al Gore and his family, and the rest will be Mexicans gardeners.

After all, somebody has to take care of paradise.

Nobody Cares; Ted Kennedy said that we should “bring the immigrants out of the shadows and into the sunshine.”

Personally I think we should take Ted Kennedy “out of the sunshine and put him into the shadows.”

How about the dark side of the moon?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

It's All In the Timing

Nobody's Perfect: Okay...I had one of those very emotional, "pass the PMS pills, hand me the box of tissue paper, let's go for a walk and watch all the much older, and much heavier people jogging in the local park" day. Then I saw this picture.'s what I was thinking;

Dinner for the Royals at the White House: $800,000
New Dress for Laura...$20,000
Queen's Jewels and men's tuxes: $23 million
Expression on Queen's face at the unmistakable sound of Texas Chilli;...Priceless

Feel free to make up your own, I could use a laugh.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Now For the GOOD News About Global Warming

Nobody Knows:It is lack of confidence more than anything else that kills a civilization. We can destroy ourselves by cynicism and disillusion just as effectively as by bombs.” Kenneth Clark

Who’s Kenneth Clark you might ask? Lord Kenneth Clark was born in 1903. He was educated at Oxford, and did a television series for the BBC many years ago called “Civilization.” He was anti-Marxist, anti-elitist, anti-monarchy, and even back in 1969, when the rest of the world was reading the “Whole Earth Catalog” in between tokes on their bongs, he was writing a book to go along with the series refuting the environmentalists…called, by the same name: Civilization.

My kind of guy.

He was one of our planet’s most educated intellectuals (back when Intellectuals were actually allowed to think for themselves) that reported the fact that “global warming” had happened all throughout history. And he reported this WAY before Al Will Gore and Dicrapio even thought of making their big bucks off of scaring everyone with the end of earth as we know it. Back in 1969 he called his second chapter, “The Great Thaw.”

There have been times in history of man when the earth seems suddenly to have grown warmer or more radio-active…the fact remains that three or four times in history man has made a leap forward that would have been unthinkable under ordinary evolutionary conditions.”-- Chapter two, “Civilization”

Too bad Kenneth isn’t alive today, because if he were, upon hearing that the earth was going into another warming period he would probably say—“Oh, that’s certainly GREAT news.”


1. First Global Warming: This happened in 3000 B.C., when quite suddenly, OH MY! Oh my! Civilization appeared! Not only in Egypt and Mesopotamia but in the Indus valley! FOOD could be grown. What? You thought Abraham did all that walking and wandering around during an ice age? Solomon’s Gardens were just a myth? That entire locus attack from Moses, which came up from the Nile fed on sand?
2. Second Global Warming: Late sixth Century B.C.: Not only did this global warming help the miracle of Greece and Ionia, where philosophy, science, art, poetry, all reached a point that wasn’t reached again for 2000 years …but India had a great spiritual enlightment. Without that warming period…the ideas of Western thought would never have flourished... (Only to go into the dark ages as the weather cooled) to be discovered again later.
3. The Third Global Warming, the year 1100:---this warm up affected the whole world.

Action, philosophy, organization, technology—there was an extraordinary outpouring of energy. Popes, emperors, kings, bishops, saints, scholars, philosophers, were all larger than life…the First Crusade.”

It was so warm that huge castles and thousands of churches were built in less time than it takes to build a World Trade Center Memorial today in New York City!

4. The Fourth Global Warming: 15th century: We ALL know what happened here. An outpouring of intellectual giants—Da Vinci, Michangelo, the seeds of capitalism, banking, astronomy, medicine, the beginning of the scientific method…every one was just busy, busy, busy.

So, if we can learn anything from history—whenever the earth has grown warmer, mankind has jump by leaps and bounds into furthering its journey into great inventions, new philosophies, technology, and certainly a great time to rejoice, along with your A.C.

Which means that this it NOT the time to be depressed. On the contrary, it’s a time to be very excited.

The nasty secret is; global warming has always been throughout mankind…a VERY, VERY good thing.

But, don’t tell that to Al Gore. He’s still in the dark ages.

Anyway, that’s what Sir Kenneth Clark said so many years ago, and it makes sense to me. Just thought you might like to know.

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Senate Needs Your Help

Nobody Knows: Who this woman is…but she was seen talking to Ted Kennedy near the Senate's men’s room. No one knows what she said to Ted Kennedy because she spoke in Spanish, but the words “Bush” and “La Rasa” and then the words, “Allah Puta” even came out of her mouth…which really shocked the janitor, an illegal immigrant named Juan, who was busy washing the marble floors nearby. Juan was raised as a Catholic.

He also said, after the above words were spoken, Ted Kennedy spit on the floor, and Juan had to clean the whole marble floor all over again.

Juan would not report just exactly what she said to Ted Kennedy, but she has been coming into the Senate meetings for some time now, saying that she was actually Ted’s cousin twice removed.

At least that’s what she told Dianne Feinstein, who has been seen buying the obviously very poor woman lunch.

She has also been seen going in and out of the downstairs ladies restroom, probably to wash her hands, which is a good thing says Juan, because she smells like a rotten peanut.

Once, Juan even saw this lady with no name being escorted by Hugo Chavez through statuary hall.

When they came to the statue of Thomas Jefferson, Hugo stopped and yelled, “DEVIL!” and the lady said something in English…which of course Juan didn’t understand, but he saw Hugo kiss her hand.

Juan thought that was pretty strange being as she is not exactly a woman of any real beauty. In fact, Juan thinks she must be at least over sixty-five.

Still…everyone in the Senate seems to be very fond of her. So fond in fact, that she is even allowed to sleep over at night…

Juan says that every time she passes him by, she whispers to him…”Soon Juan…Soon. After this weekend and all will be well…”

This ALWAYS confuses Juan because he can’t speak English, but she says it so sweetly and smiles, that Juan feels all good inside.

Juan doesn’t know what this means, but he hopes it means that Ted Kennedy will finally stop spitting on the floor and messing up the lounge room with all his late night parties.

Anyway, if anyone knows who this poor woman is…even though Juan heard someone say she was “irrelevant” he thinks someone should give her a home….

So Juan wants me to ask you to call your Senators tonight…and help the mystery woman get a life…in Venezuela.

Because in Venezuela, Juan says, she will be taken care of, and will have to roam the halls of Congress no more.

I'm calling mine right now.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Gene Simmons Salutes the Soldiers

Nobody’s Opinion: It’s about bloody time.

Daily we are bombarded with the idiotic, malicious, heinous, and hedonistic comments of our very rich American entertainment stars. You know their names. They run Hollywood. They all hate America. And the very few who don’t, keep their mouths shut for fear that they will not get much work.

You can count them on one hand.

But tonight, on A& E…Gene Simmons, (Who has his own show call Family Jewels on Sunday Nights.) did a whole show, to thank the veterans--- To thank our soldiers.

And he did it with great class.

He went into a veteran’s hospitals and shook the hands of soldiers: Old soldiers, men who had been there quite a while---Vietnam Vets, and a young man from Iraq. He looked them in the eye, and told them they were “heroes” and all of them were “better men then he.”

He took his daughter with him to show her what a “hero” looks like.

And then, he gave a concert for the soldiers--- not as the tongue lashing, crazy looking man with the white face, cross between a Marvel Comic Character and a vampire bass player of KISS, but as an American citizen. He played a concert for a group of soldiers, and sang all their songs with them---the Navy, the Army, and the Air Force…the Marines. It was great, it was uplifting…it was sorely needed.

Somewhere Bob Hope was smiling.

Of course, get a room full of our military people, and they WILL sing in the most god-awful keys…yell at the top of their lungs, jump, and most of all, they will make you love them all make you want to take them all home with you.

I know, I’ve been there, and done that…although on a smaller scale. It’s the greatest feeling.

And then he sang, “God Bless America,” with them all.

To see the faces on all these young men and women, and to see them laugh, it was so great…they were all excited and thrilled.

But I can tell you one thing for sure---not as much as he was.

Now…I know there are shows honoring the soldiers on TV. Many a night as I watch the news, I will see some heart-breaking story of someone who was just killed in Iraq, and the wives and babies they leave behind---mothers and fathers, barely able to speak…exploited by the news to twist your opinion against the war.

And then there are the “war” stories…the productions. Stories much like you would see in a movie theater. They teach us, and that’s important.

But tonight it was much more personal.

There was one scene where Gene got very emotional listening to a young man’s story about why he served. “For my family,” the boy said. He said. “I do it so they don’t have to worry back home--- to keep them safe.”

Yeah, I was crying too.

We see so much immoral behavior every single day from everywhere, and so much is being said against the war these days--it is so important to remind ourselves, each and every day, that Americans have raised the finest soldiers in the world. And THEY need us.

And we need more shows like this.

Not all musicians are like Gene Simmons.

In fact, I once wrote a letter to Michael McDonald (From the old Dobbie Brothers) because he did not sing “God Bless America” at his 4th of July Concert, which I attended one year some time ago in downtown St. Louis, under The Arch.

You gotta picture it…all the fireworks are exploding…you are waiting for it…I mean, Michael McDonald has one of the greatest male voices ever recorded …I was SURE it was going to be the very BEST…I couldn’t wait to hear his rendition.

It never came.

He could have sung ANYTHING with America in it….but he didn’t. He played some stupid song…he could not go against his conscious.

I was sooooo disappointed. It ruined my whole night. How could he NOT play our National Anthem on the Fourth? It was the biggest slap in the face to everyone there that night. I mean-, it was the Fourth of July for God’s sake…even if he had been a Muslim (for all I know he could be one) he had a professional obligation, a DUTY to play the National Anthem at the crescendo of the fireworks.

He never answered my simple question of “why not?”


The difference between Mike McDonald and Gene Simmons is clear. Intelligence, heart…and let me say it again. Intelligence.

One is a real man.

I used to go see Mike in little clubs around town when he was fifteen and poor.
And I still can’t figure out why famous stars just never figure out that ONLY in America could they have become rich and famous.

That’s also why; Gene Simmons career is going to keep growing, while Mike McDonald’s voice will only be heard at your local Wal-Mart, while you’re shopping for tennis shoes.

Sorry Mike. Having talent is not enough.

So, tonight, this nobody salutes Gene Simmons. A man who is a great “spouse” (he doesn’t believe in marriage for you guys on the site) a terrific father, has a very entertaining and terrific new show, and one hell of a smart businessman.

But most of all, Gene Simmons is a great American treasure.

Thanks Gene, this nobody is now of your biggest fans.

And for those reading this, be sure and catch “Gene Simmons Family Jewels” and especially this special show if you can.

Ozzy, eat your heart out.