Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The King of Buckleberries

Nobody’s Opinion; I was going to write on those three bimbos of woman equality, you know, the stoogies of feminism…Fonda, Steinem, and Rosie, but I need more time to really get myself worked up. It seems these three ladies are going to get on a radio in time to get Hillary elected, I can’t wait.

But, tomorrow is my husband’s yearly v0acation time, and like an “old fashioned wife” (oh my god…don’t tell anybody) I promised I would NOT blog so I could spend some time with him…you… that thing most of us nobodies have?

So, since Al Franklin had a radio spot, and some pretty ridiculous books, I’m posting up an old review of his book about liars. I wrote it one night in 2004, when I had just put the book down, and well, you will see how much I have mellowed.
Please forgive all the SHOUTING! And capitol letters! I don’t have time to revise. And besides, it’s a full moon.

Anyway, I will see you all, God willing, next Monday. Consider this a warm-up for the girls.

Al Franklin; The King of Buckleberries
What’s a buckleberry you ask? Well, don’t bother looking it up. I just made it up. Actually after reading Al Franklins’ new book: Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, I thought of an additional use for the word. J.R.Tolkien used it in his wonderful book, Lord of the Rings. I’m referring to the Buckleberry Ferry that helped Frodo escape from evil. I thought it had a nice ring to it: Buckleberry Ferry, Huckleberry Finn... Buckleberry, Brainless, Blubberhead, Pimplehead, Flyaway, Foulmouth, Fourflusher, Franklin. (Oh Al, you’re such a good sport!)

I figured if Al Franklin can make up a whole book about the art of lying, (remembering it takes one to know one) I can certainly dub him a buckleberry. In fact, after reading it, I’ve decided the word might be too nice, unlike the words he uses throughout his book to describe all the people he hates. All conservatives and Christians of course.

Buckleberry: (noun)
1. A person who has no clue to reality. A nitwit. One who makes many simple, stupid mistakes.
2. Buckleberries (adj) actions that are really stupid, not well thought out in advance, little mistakes that are made in everyday life, as in spilling milk, tripping over your own feet, or writing and saying things that make no sense.

Yes, Al, you made quite a few buckleberries in your book. Let me point out a few of your funnier ones. (I guess you were trying to be funny...)

On page seventy-five of your book, you are trying to convince the reader that Bill O’Reilly is a registered “Lie-o-Crat” liar about claiming to be an Independent, because YOU HAVE PROOF, he lied. He filled out a primary voter registration card and checked Republican. Your buckleberry was showing the evidence in your book.

Poor Al, because he has never thought about these things before. He assumes you haven’t either. Perhaps he has never voted. He obviously committed a big blunder in this one. Let’s analyze this for you Al...Something that all us Independents have had to deal with for quite some time. We’ll even do this in a format that you used in your book to make it easier for you and your Harvard student’s co-writers to understand.

The instructions said:
You must enroll in a party to vote in a primary. Check one box only in this section:

1. Democrat 2.Republican 3.Conservative 4. Liberal 5. Right to Life 6. I do not wish to enroll
Obviously, a committee of bonafide buckleberries wrote this whole thing. (They must have attended Harvard class of 03.) Either they forgot to include “Independent, Libertarian, and/or Green Party” or it was done on purpose. I certainly didn’t know that the Right to Life was a party, did you? In fact, because of the numbers of abortions having been done so far in the world, the ”Right to Lifers” are really not partying much at all. Or maybe the Right to Life means, our government grants you the right to live, but all other rights are giving up to them. Someone should ask just what this phrase means.

How about if you had checked Conservative? I happen to know a lot of conservative Democrats and liberal Republicans, and conservative Green parties, and tons of socialist Democrats. Even a few conservative Marxists and quite a few fascists. What option would they have? Would you have been allowed to go ahead and vote if you had checked any other answer but the first two? (If you said yes, go back to GO, do not collect $200.00, in fact throw a $50.00 fine in the pot as your gas bill goes up)

Anyway, if this doesn’t make you mad as a citizen it certainly did me, because when I, the humble citizen went to vote in my local primary, I was basically being told as an independent, that in order to vote my choice was one of the two parties. I had to register as a member of one or the other: Democrat or Republican. No other choice...making any other attempt at overthrowing the exiting Parties (ass or elephant) impossible to remove. They know that most of us are so sick of Washington politicians that we would gladly vote for the new party of disgusted citizens.
(7. Party of Grunts)

Of course, they don’t want that, so they make sure you have no choice in the matter. It is rigged so that you are not allowed to vote by your own government, unless you vote as they choose. The two Parties making sure to entrench us all in this misery for all time. After all, they have million dollar mansions, and Harvard bills to worry about.

So, being the independent cuss that I was, seeing no way out, I opted for number six...only to be told by the little old lady manning the sacred halls of voters that according to the rules. No... I would not be allowed to vote. Go home. My only choice was either Republican or Democrat. Gee, welcome to the third world voting booth in Bolivia. Except in America they give you two choices of entrenched, rich, dictators. Lucky us.

But, you use this lame example to prove that Mr. O’Reilly is a malicious liar, which of course to you proves that anything he might say in the future is not to be believed.

You also use this same buckleberry reasoning for Ann Coutler, who for all of her extensive writings and knowledge backed up by years of non-buckleberry thinking, all you and your Franklin team could come up with to prove that she was a liar was some discrepancy on government official documents. (We all know how trustworthy these are, just ask any 9/11 widow or her children)

You discovered the horrible fact that she lied about her age. Of a difference of THREE WHOLE YEARS. Oh no. How can America sleep at night knowing this? Or the semantical account of how she calls her footnotes...footnotes. Instead of endnotes. For this crime she is not to be believed, no, not even in confession. I’m sure all the Harvard college kids researching this for you had just found out the difference of footnotes and endnotes and were so excited about actually learning a bit of grammar that they just had a field day.

Oh my God...Anne called this a footnote!!! Can you believe it!!!

You do the same to Dick Cheney. Why his big lie, the big sin, is that he said that the Arlington National Cemetery had crosses, instead of what is actually there...plan stones. You even gave us a wonderful picture as proof. Gee. We’d better get that Star Wars program up and going soon, with a lie like that. The world is not safe.

Now, lets’ talk about some middle-sized buckleberries that you so eloquently make while feeding your Harvard students with medicinal brownies:

Gee, on any of the mainstream media in America, we have a daily barrage of gay rights, woman rights, hate crimes rights, child molester rights, international rights, black rights, celebrity rights, communist rights, socialists rights, UN rights, criminal rights, Saddam Hussein rights, bin Ladin rights, Muslim rights, secular rights, ACLU rights, Michael and Jesse Jackson rights, national forest rights, alien rights, prison rights, ...in fact, anything you want to commit or do is just alright with them. Oh, and Andy Rooney rights. This is not liberal of course. In your eyes this is the just the normal fair and balanced news. If you do not happen to fit in any of these categories, you should give up all and any rights to those listed above. (Plus your money if you have any left after taxes) because you have no right to feel the way you do.

Wow, do his voters know this? Gee Senator, did Clinton award you for that expensive second trip on the shuttle just for that admission?

Don’t tell Time Warner.

Well, those silly Republicans are just so serious. What’s wrong with them? It was just a funeral. After all, Paul was doing so badly in the polls, and with Mondale as a replacement why in the world couldn’t they lighten up? .

5. BILL CLINTON REMAINS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT OF THE 21TH CENTURY. I must concur, JFK we hear stained many more dresses than Bill, and was better looking.

Mom still falls for that one? Hey, if that works with your mother, go for the full buckleberry.

OK Harvard babies. I understand. Geography was thrown out of the classrooms long before you were born. Repeat after me...most countries in the world are monarchies, communist, socialist, fascists, or totalitarian. Go ahead, buy yourself a globe and go count em. So... if most countries in the world love Clinton, what could that possibly mean? Think. Is that a good thing? And don’t come back with Godfather quotes like “Well you should keep your enemies closer.” That’s called spin. And you’d be giving away the real authors of the book. Be careful.

Oh, I DO love this buckleberry... this one is good. Ok, by your standards and your wish...Bush would let bin Ladin stay in the Lincoln Bedroom, (for a fee of course): he would build a nuclear reactor for all the other countries that do not have one, and he would beg all countries in the world to please attack us soon, because it’s just too embarrassing to be the big dog. As Clinton said. “We will not always be the big dog on the block and we’d better get use to it.” In fact, Bush should just get that finger up and say to all citizens “I did not have it out for that man Saddam...” We’d all feel better.

Roger got the idea for the JDAM (A system of precise targeting) one night while fixing his car you say. That must have been some car. I hear Al Gore came up with his idea about the internet while listening to Roger’s car radio. He was there that night while Roger was fixing that very same car. In fact, “Where do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be “came on the radio, and he was dreaming of how he would French kiss Tipi in front of the whole world to prove that they really were the inspiration for the love and movie... Really Al, that car should go in the Clinton museum. Good thinking Harvard. At this rate you might make the Green Party basketball team.

Think he’ll give 197 pardons to all alcoholics that are serving time for killing unsuspecting citizens? So the sin here is obnoxious. I guess all the time that Bill was falling down drunk and breaking his leg, walking through his Presidency with a flaming red honker, partying with piles of cocaine with all his family members and girlfriends, he was at least not obnoxious. Anyone who can party with known drug addicts and international drug lords at the White House, and then pardon all cocaine and drug pushers with the stroke of a pen can not be called an obnoxious guy. The question is, if Bush is an obnoxious drunk according to you, what kind of drunk is Ted Kennedy?

All those hamburger jobs he created! All those daily giant company MERGERS! Why are we picking on the poor man! I remember the rich getting richer!!! Why everyone shredded books and lied about accounts. (Hillary’s art form and true legacy) Clinton made it admirable to be a crook...he made it cool! If a President can lie under a grand jury, why so can everyone!! And how about that NAFTA idea that bought in so many jobs for America! I don’t remember the salaries going up, unless you happened to be a government employee right before the House impeachment where Bill, with a stroke of the executive pen, ordered that everyone who worked for the government would get a nice raise fat raise to help them forget about his love life. Funny, we never heard one politician anywhere complain about that unconstitutional burp.

That’s why all 14 students on your research team came from the rich upper classes, they are all leftist liberals, all white, and all hate the President. Your friend Al Gore helped too. I’d say that’s fair and balanced. (If you go to Harvard)

Now, for the BIG BUCKLEBERRIES....

You do a whole chapter on how you had to go and lie and try and get your Harvard student friend posing as your son into a Christian college, to prove to us that religious schools are hogwash basically, and one of the reason is that they are backward is because well---they are against the evolution theory. Well, gee---last time I heard it was the Jews of the Old Testament that started that very belief in God creating the heavens and the earth in seven days. (You are Jewish, right?)

At least the Christians don’t believe in underground body rolling after death. According to the Jews, after they die, when the Messiah comes again, all those buried Jewish bodies will roll underground all the way to the Holy Land and be saved. I just hope all this rolling of Jewish bodies doesn’t interfere with the cables under the oceans, or cause too many lumps in the roads or we will really have a mess. And those Jews unfortunately buried above ground will just have to figure out how to get through all that concrete crap to get into the main rolling over underground Jewish highway.

But hey, the Jewish people started this stuff...so if you have a complaint, you guys started it. Poor Al, I’m sure the Muslims will accept you. Go see Michael Jackson.

Then there was the” kidding on the square” attempt at comedy in the comic book chapter scenes in which you imagine Kerry as the fearless Chickenhawk Commando leader (nothing like giving your choice away there Bill) in which he leads all the Republicans you hate into battle. I won’t go into this interesting buckleberry except to say that when a comic has to resort to potty jokes, porn jokes and dirty jokes, he has resorted to the lowest form of “pull my finger” laughter, which of course puts his humor at the level of a 13 year-old, making him a pretty sad lot, and that is why no one will hire him except rich corporations, whose CEO’s (don’t tell anyone) are run by Democrats too. One thing for sure, all rich Democrats love to brag about how rich they are, and how poor you are. So liberal of them. Since you are so rich Al, I expect you to be donating your comedic talent to the many homeless shelters, where you can be appreciated.

In fact, this last comic bit was so disgusting it has inspired me to add one more meaning of the word buckleberry, just for you Al, the inspiration...

3. Buckleberries (noun): a very obvious part of the male anatomy, needed for procreation, in need of protection at all hockey, football and political games, comes in pairs.

Yes, the one big truth in your book that I’m sure is really an actual fact, is the one you told about how you were so happy one day when insulting one of your enemies that you went dancing nude and shaking your buckleberries all around the living room where your wife and her friends were playing bridge.

Gosh Al. If these things make you so happy, why don’t you start an “Extreme Political Elimination” TV program, where you can challenge all those Christians you hate to obstacle courses, and we can watch you really become the man you always wanted to be? Frankly, I believe most Americans would enjoy this, and it would make you richer than you already are.
Oh wait; I forgot a really most beautiful buckleberry!


It’s really sad when a former President who cannot rely on the history books to rewrite his terrible image and legacy for future generations, has to turn to the entertainment business, like old comics and celebrities, (well, the Dixie Chicks were just plan young and silly) and have them go around trying to convince us all that he was a real good guy. Tall maybe, but handsome? Once again...I concur...Mr. Pickle face.

But, now we know, Al, you are part of the family, you are a Clinton. And the sixties were so much fun that you and your family never got out of them

And if Bill Clinton (just how related are you Al?) did help write this book, than I take the title back. Al Franklin is not the buckleberry King; he is just a Joker with little buckleberries.

Nobody Absurdities, No. 13, Triskaidekaphobia

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Nobody’s Opinion; Now that I have come to the number thirteen of my “Nobody’s Absurdities,” I’ve decided to take a good look at this number, since this will be the only “Nobody Absurdities” ever written in the 13th mode. When I get to the number---10, 413, I’m sure I will look back fondly on this blog and say; “I’m sure glad I got that out of my system!”

So, here of course, in no order whatsoever are the historical reasons why the number has been considered unlucky.

That includes, do not eat that 13th cocktail shrimp, don’t drink that 13th beer, and if you have asked that girl out 12 times, I’d advise you to quit.

Our ancestors were not fooling around with this information, and we have taken it so seriously, that for many years, our buildings were built without a 13th floor, and our airplanes have omitted the 13th row.

There are 14 tampons in a box. (Just kidding, I really don’t know)

And I have more than 13 teeth, which is a good thing. Anyway…

There were 13 apostles at the last supper.

Okay, if you have 13 people over to dinner, and only serve bread and wine, better make sure that these people are not democrats, Romans, Taliban, Ahmadinejad, or the ACLU. Jesus paid a high price for being number thirteen.

Actually, I thought Jesus was number one and Judas was thirteen, so I’m a bit confused about this one, but I’m not worried because I don’t know even know thirteen people to invite to my supper. But if you do, just be sure you’re not the first one to get up from the table or you will be the next one to die. Probably by the hand of Freddy, with the help of Jason.

The Knights of the Templar, those lovable Christian Crusaders, were killed by the French King on Friday the 13th, October, 1307.

Well, I gotta admit, this one does look bad. Everyone was so sure that the Templars had dug up piles of gold in Jerusalem, including the Arch of the Covenant, which was solid gold, and who knows what else was in it, only to move to France, and then hide it in Scotland, (along with the Holy Grail) after the French King went on his rampage. The Templars became the illuminati and they put it somewhere in Oxford, which is the center of the New World Order, and that explains why the most expensive houses in the World are gathered around there, owned by the Saudi’s, Madonna, and word has it, BC. (Bill Clinton) Why else would all rich and cool want to live in a country where the sun only comes out during global warming?

It was these people who got that guy to write the Da Vinci Code, in order to destroy religion and make you believe that all those Oxford people were descendants of the real Jesus, so when you find out who’s getting rid of all the National borders and setting up this New World Government, you won’t be mad because they are all elite descendents of Jesus. See?

Accordingly, the French are very scared of the number 13th. I would be too if I were them. Payback could be bad. Maybe it was the Templars up in heaven that has sent the Muslims.

The number 13th card in the tarot is the death card.

Have you ever seen that card? Scary. Hey, I used to get that card all the time and I’m still here. (Well that’s an opinion that might not be shared by some readers) But it sure is fun to deal it up to people.

“Oh no…you got the death card. Do you have insurance?”

The Romans thought 13 was a sign of death and destruction.

How do we know this fact? Did the Barbarians invade Rome on Friday the 13th? But there were a lot of Romans, so maybe they had a point.

13 is a bakers dozen.

Accordingly a long time ago, if the baker did not have twelve pieces in his bag rolls, he could be executed. Remember that next time you go to Krispy Krème.

I’m sure more than one medieval wife used this little fact to get a quick divorce. This probably meant, no spouses were allowed in the bakery.

The Americans changed the course of history by ignoring the bad vibes of 13, because we started out with thirteen colonies. The founders felt that on the contrary, 13 was really a wonderful number, they put it everywhere. We have:

13 horizontal stripes on the Flag
13 levels of the truncated pyramid
13 letters in “E Pluribus Unum”, which appears in
The banner running through the eagle’s beak on the right side of the bills
13 letter in the phrase “Annuit Coeptis” which appears over the pyramid on the left side of the bill’s reverse.

13 stars above the eagle
13 leaves on the olive branch
13 olives on the olive branch
13 arrows held by the Eagle and
13 bars on the shield.

So, a thirteenth blog might be lucky or not. If you never see a “Nobody’s Absurdities, No. 14” then you might want to think about it the next time you have a desire to eat that 13th donut. It might just be your last.

Nobody’s Perfect
; Okay, all my life I was never suspicious about the number thirteen. I mean, how could you be? It’s so childish, fun. But silly.

UNTILL, my dear mother one night, in 2001, was watching Bill Clinton on TV, and she got so mad, she had a major brain hemmorge and died six months later.

And yes, it was Friday the 13th.

Nobody Knows; Ronald Reagans son, Ron, believes in Friday the 13th, with all his heart. So at least another intelligent person on the planet thinks there might be something to it.

Nobody Cares; Am I superstitious? I’ll get back to you on that…on the 14th.

Nobody’s Fool; The exception to this 13th rule, is the 13th amendment, which could possibly cancel out every superstition ever thought up. Go ahead and add to the list.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Chasing Clinton's Rainbows

Nobody’s Opinion; This weekend, I was listening to Bill Clinton’s conversation with Sarjay Gupta, on CNN. Bill made sure to mention that he was in Harlem at his office, and the subject was…poverty. He called it: “The Poverty Trap.” Once again Bill was promising to save everyone in the world.

Bill Clinton, the savior of mankind. He started the Rainbow Coalition with Jesse Jackson. When Bill Clinton talks, for some people, rainbows flow out of his mouth.

For the rest of us, it’s like watching Pharaoh’s plague. Myself, I try to duck.

But nobody promises rainbows better than Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton, the “I am going to save the whole WORLD from aids, poverty, fat kids, Republicans, bad water, hurricanes, corporations, too much soda, the religious right, and Rush Limbaugh. All I need is some more money from you, the people of the United States---cause even though you don’t think you have much, I say YOU DO, and you should send it to me, because then I can go and redistributed it throughout the world, especially Rwanda (because I left those people to kill each other, well, my friends at the Lippo Group wanted some of that land---but I want to make up for it now that I am running---hee, hee, I mean Hillary is running for President) Now--- I’m gonna show you show how compassionate I am about helping those poor people in Africa, because then all the blacks in America will vote for Hillary, and we can get back into power, not that they won’t but, well, there are quite a few blacks out there catching on and they might start voting Republican, so that’s why I’m always over there getting my picture taking and making sure that CNN helps me get this stuff out. After all, I was a poor child growing up, why we even had an outhouse.”

Bill was doing his usual promotion of “I was the best President and everything was better when I was President,” speech with his usual pathological obsession, you know that rant we’ve all heard a hundred times--- and then something he said caught my attention. He said that he and Hillary had been giving away millions of mini-loans throughout the world.

In fact, they had been doing this since he became governor, and the program got even bigger when he became President. Why, Hillary was on the board!

What board?

Yes, Bill, in a moment of “I can’t help saying wonderful things about myself moment,” admitted that he has been giving our money away to millions upon millions all over the earth, for all those years. He is just now revealing it.

When you are President, you just give an executive order.

But now, since he is not President or the leader of his Rainbow One World Clinton Initiative Government quite yet, he has to ask for the money. It’s just a temporty thing you understand.

As far as we know, the money you send in to relieve Bill’s poverty initiative will go into Hillary’s campaign funding for President.

This wonderful rainbow idea…was like some sort of weird commune thing.

Let’s see, I would give Bill Clinton a dollar, and then he would send me $600 or more, and also, if I wanted to grow fish for a living, then he (the government) would dig a very huge hole the size of a football field, stock it with fish, and all I would have to do is feed the fish for him. (of course I would have to get at least twenty of my neighbors to help) And then the fish would be sold, and some of that money would go to all of us…we’d split it.

Then I would give five fish to one other person who would hit Bill up for a ‘Mini-Loan.”

You don’t OWN this fish farm, you just work it. And Clinton wants to set up these mandated government farms all over the earth run by…and here it comes…the new major market for GE, Arnold, Bill, Gore, and Bono, who will all cash in on this by setting up that new wave market of global warming…

Windmills. Solar energy.

Bill will own all the poor people’s land and little business all over the world. But hey! They would have something to do!

Bill doesn’t think they need electricity. No, a few billion windmills should suffice.

How did this problem with poverty become so bad?

Those who think in conspiracy theories would say some of it was caused by ”The World Bank” which of course funds globalization.

The World Bank during Clinton’s watch (And the World Bank is always run by an Ameircan President appointee) went around building big dams, ravaging whole forests in Brazil, Africa, Asia...you name it. This Bank help destroy millions of people’s homes and livihoods. People were forced off their lands, and thrown into poverty. Millions of young girls and woman went into prostitution in Malaysia because the World Bank had come in with big projects in the neighboring forests and the people had no where to turn.

That’s ok…Clinton is going to save them now.

On the show, Bill showed the poverty in poor black communities in Detroit. Never once did he mention that these people probably used to work for the Ford plant, which was closed due to Clinton’s love of globalization. (Bush love's it too.)

And what rainbow did Clinton have to help this area? He got some high school kids, gave them expensive satellite devices, and let them walk around the neighborhood and document the old abandoned houses. For this, we the taxpayers are giving these kids jobs, which requires no skill whatsoever.

Then, it looked like mostly white people, were building free homes for all of those in the neighborhood. Forty-nine free homes.

Do you see the subtle hint here?

Clinton is obviously campaigning hard for the black vote.

What most people will never learn is that at the end of Clinton’s rainbow is not a pot of gold, but thin air.

And what’s so sad, is that instead of having the universe in our hands with real hope, we have rulers of the earth, creating disasters, poverty, and even some say, creating wars, just so they can come in and save the world while at the same time making the few elite some unspeakably big profits...while the rest of humanity is out chasing Bill’s sweet rainbows.

Rainbows which end in Bill's pot of Gold.

Nobody’s Perfect; When someone asked Bill about his wife running for President he said, “If she decided to spend her six years in the Senate and then go help me in my work around the world and we could travel together that would make me happy too.”

Even when talking about Hillary, Bill just can’t help putting the light on himself.

Nobody’s Knows; It seems now, the front runners being pushed for the Presidential race in 2008 is Hillary vs. McCain. If the republicans pick McCain, he’ll do even worse than Bob Dole. Bob Dole, who is an hilarious man, could have won hands down if he had shown this side of himself, but we did not see that side of him until after he lost the election. In other words, he was picked to lose. Well, that’s a nobody’s opinion.

Nobody Cares. Steve Irwin died today. This nobody will truly miss that man. I will miss the vociferous joy he had for all of life, and how much he educated the whole planet on reptiles and snakes. Steve passion was so great, he have you look on a crocodile as a creature worth saving at all costs.

Steve was such an original and filled with so much personality, it was almost too hard to beleive anyone could be so pure.

My prayers go out to his wife who has lost her soul mate, for he made no secret of how much he loved his family.

There will never be another Steve Irwin. I don’t think I’ll ever look at a snake without thinking of him, which is a real good thing for the snake.