The King of Buckleberries
Nobody’s Opinion; I was going to write on those three bimbos of woman equality, you know, the stoogies of feminism…Fonda, Steinem, and Rosie, but I need more time to really get myself worked up. It seems these three ladies are going to get on a radio in time to get Hillary elected, I can’t wait.
But, tomorrow is my husband’s yearly v0acation time, and like an “old fashioned wife” (oh my god…don’t tell anybody) I promised I would NOT blog so I could spend some time with him…you… that thing most of us nobodies have?
So, since Al Franklin had a radio spot, and some pretty ridiculous books, I’m posting up an old review of his book about liars. I wrote it one night in 2004, when I had just put the book down, and well, you will see how much I have mellowed.
Please forgive all the SHOUTING! And capitol letters! I don’t have time to revise. And besides, it’s a full moon.
Anyway, I will see you all, God willing, next Monday. Consider this a warm-up for the girls.
Al Franklin; The King of Buckleberries
What’s a buckleberry you ask? Well, don’t bother looking it up. I just made it up. Actually after reading Al Franklins’ new book: Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, I thought of an additional use for the word. J.R.Tolkien used it in his wonderful book, Lord of the Rings. I’m referring to the Buckleberry Ferry that helped Frodo escape from evil. I thought it had a nice ring to it: Buckleberry Ferry, Huckleberry Finn... Buckleberry, Brainless, Blubberhead, Pimplehead, Flyaway, Foulmouth, Fourflusher, Franklin. (Oh Al, you’re such a good sport!)
I figured if Al Franklin can make up a whole book about the art of lying, (remembering it takes one to know one) I can certainly dub him a buckleberry. In fact, after reading it, I’ve decided the word might be too nice, unlike the words he uses throughout his book to describe all the people he hates. All conservatives and Christians of course.
1. A person who has no clue to reality. A nitwit. One who makes many simple, stupid mistakes.
2. Buckleberries (adj) actions that are really stupid, not well thought out in advance, little mistakes that are made in everyday life, as in spilling milk, tripping over your own feet, or writing and saying things that make no sense.
Yes, Al, you made quite a few buckleberries in your book. Let me point out a few of your funnier ones. (I guess you were trying to be funny...)
On page seventy-five of your book, you are trying to convince the reader that Bill O’Reilly is a registered “Lie-o-Crat” liar about claiming to be an Independent, because YOU HAVE PROOF, he lied. He filled out a primary voter registration card and checked Republican. Your buckleberry was showing the evidence in your book.
Poor Al, because he has never thought about these things before. He assumes you haven’t either. Perhaps he has never voted. He obviously committed a big blunder in this one. Let’s analyze this for you Al...Something that all us Independents have had to deal with for quite some time. We’ll even do this in a format that you used in your book to make it easier for you and your Harvard student’s co-writers to understand.
The instructions said:
You must enroll in a party to vote in a primary. Check one box only in this section:
1. Democrat 2.Republican 3.Conservative 4. Liberal 5. Right to Life 6. I do not wish to enroll
Obviously, a committee of bonafide buckleberries wrote this whole thing. (They must have attended Harvard class of 03.) Either they forgot to include “Independent, Libertarian, and/or Green Party” or it was done on purpose. I certainly didn’t know that the Right to Life was a party, did you? In fact, because of the numbers of abortions having been done so far in the world, the ”Right to Lifers” are really not partying much at all. Or maybe the Right to Life means, our government grants you the right to live, but all other rights are giving up to them. Someone should ask just what this phrase means.
How about if you had checked Conservative? I happen to know a lot of conservative Democrats and liberal Republicans, and conservative Green parties, and tons of socialist Democrats. Even a few conservative Marxists and quite a few fascists. What option would they have? Would you have been allowed to go ahead and vote if you had checked any other answer but the first two? (If you said yes, go back to GO, do not collect $200.00, in fact throw a $50.00 fine in the pot as your gas bill goes up)
Anyway, if this doesn’t make you mad as a citizen it certainly did me, because when I, the humble citizen went to vote in my local primary, I was basically being told as an independent, that in order to vote my choice was one of the two parties. I had to register as a member of one or the other: Democrat or Republican. No other choice...making any other attempt at overthrowing the exiting Parties (ass or elephant) impossible to remove. They know that most of us are so sick of Washington politicians that we would gladly vote for the new party of disgusted citizens.
(7. Party of Grunts)
Of course, they don’t want that, so they make sure you have no choice in the matter. It is rigged so that you are not allowed to vote by your own government, unless you vote as they choose. The two Parties making sure to entrench us all in this misery for all time. After all, they have million dollar mansions, and Harvard bills to worry about.
So, being the independent cuss that I was, seeing no way out, I opted for number six...only to be told by the little old lady manning the sacred halls of voters that according to the rules. No... I would not be allowed to vote. Go home. My only choice was either Republican or Democrat. Gee, welcome to the third world voting booth in Bolivia. Except in America they give you two choices of entrenched, rich, dictators. Lucky us.
But, you use this lame example to prove that Mr. O’Reilly is a malicious liar, which of course to you proves that anything he might say in the future is not to be believed.
You also use this same buckleberry reasoning for Ann Coutler, who for all of her extensive writings and knowledge backed up by years of non-buckleberry thinking, all you and your Franklin team could come up with to prove that she was a liar was some discrepancy on government official documents. (We all know how trustworthy these are, just ask any 9/11 widow or her children)
You discovered the horrible fact that she lied about her age. Of a difference of THREE WHOLE YEARS. Oh no. How can America sleep at night knowing this? Or the semantical account of how she calls her footnotes...footnotes. Instead of endnotes. For this crime she is not to be believed, no, not even in confession. I’m sure all the Harvard college kids researching this for you had just found out the difference of footnotes and endnotes and were so excited about actually learning a bit of grammar that they just had a field day.
Oh my God...Anne called this a footnote!!! Can you believe it!!!
You do the same to Dick Cheney. Why his big lie, the big sin, is that he said that the Arlington National Cemetery had crosses, instead of what is actually there...plan stones. You even gave us a wonderful picture as proof. Gee. We’d better get that Star Wars program up and going soon, with a lie like that. The world is not safe.
Now, lets’ talk about some middle-sized buckleberries that you so eloquently make while feeding your Harvard students with medicinal brownies:
1. THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA DOES NOT HAVE A LIBERAL BIAS, THERE IS HOWEVER A RIGHT WING MEDIA. (PAGE 3)
Gee, on any of the mainstream media in America, we have a daily barrage of gay rights, woman rights, hate crimes rights, child molester rights, international rights, black rights, celebrity rights, communist rights, socialists rights, UN rights, criminal rights, Saddam Hussein rights, bin Ladin rights, Muslim rights, secular rights, ACLU rights, Michael and Jesse Jackson rights, national forest rights, alien rights, prison rights, ...in fact, anything you want to commit or do is just alright with them. Oh, and Andy Rooney rights. This is not liberal of course. In your eyes this is the just the normal fair and balanced news. If you do not happen to fit in any of these categories, you should give up all and any rights to those listed above. (Plus your money if you have any left after taxes) because you have no right to feel the way you do.
2. JOHN GLENN HATES AMERICA.
Wow, do his voters know this? Gee Senator, did Clinton award you for that expensive second trip on the shuttle just for that admission?
3. MURDOCH HAS A HUGE EMPIRE.
Don’t tell Time Warner.
4. WHEN THE CROWD BOOED THE ATTENDING REPUBLICANS WHO WERE SHOWING THEIR RESPECT AT PAUL WELLSTONES’ FUNERAL, THEY DID IT AS A GOOD NATURED RIBBING.
Well, those silly Republicans are just so serious. What’s wrong with them? It was just a funeral. After all, Paul was doing so badly in the polls, and with Mondale as a replacement why in the world couldn’t they lighten up? .
5. BILL CLINTON REMAINS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT OF THE 21TH CENTURY. I must concur, JFK we hear stained many more dresses than Bill, and was better looking.
6. I’M A BAD LIAR, I NEVER LIE.
Mom still falls for that one? Hey, if that works with your mother, go for the full buckleberry.
7. WHEN PRESIDENT CLINTON LEFT OFFICE, AMERICA ENJOYED TREMENDOUS RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AROUND THE WORLD (p.347)
OK Harvard babies. I understand. Geography was thrown out of the classrooms long before you were born. Repeat after me...most countries in the world are monarchies, communist, socialist, fascists, or totalitarian. Go ahead, buy yourself a globe and go count em. So... if most countries in the world love Clinton, what could that possibly mean? Think. Is that a good thing? And don’t come back with Godfather quotes like “Well you should keep your enemies closer.” That’s called spin. And you’d be giving away the real authors of the book. Be careful.
8. I WISH WITH ALL MY HEART THAT OUR PRESIDENT WASN’T A LIAR, OR IF HE WERE, THAT HE WAS MORE LIKE PRESIDENT CLINTON. (p.352)
Oh, I DO love this buckleberry... this one is good. Ok, by your standards and your wish...Bush would let bin Ladin stay in the Lincoln Bedroom, (for a fee of course): he would build a nuclear reactor for all the other countries that do not have one, and he would beg all countries in the world to please attack us soon, because it’s just too embarrassing to be the big dog. As Clinton said. “We will not always be the big dog on the block and we’d better get use to it.” In fact, Bush should just get that finger up and say to all citizens “I did not have it out for that man Saddam...” We’d all feel better.
9. IF IT WASN’T FOR ROGER CLINTON, OUR MILITARY COULD NOT HAVE WON THE WAR IN IRAQ.
Roger got the idea for the JDAM (A system of precise targeting) one night while fixing his car you say. That must have been some car. I hear Al Gore came up with his idea about the internet while listening to Roger’s car radio. He was there that night while Roger was fixing that very same car. In fact, “Where do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be “came on the radio, and he was dreaming of how he would French kiss Tipi in front of the whole world to prove that they really were the inspiration for the love and movie... Really Al, that car should go in the Clinton museum. Good thinking Harvard. At this rate you might make the Green Party basketball team.
10. BUSH IS A DRUNK. NOT ONLY THAT, HE IS AN OBNOXIOUS ONE.
Think he’ll give 197 pardons to all alcoholics that are serving time for killing unsuspecting citizens? So the sin here is obnoxious. I guess all the time that Bill was falling down drunk and breaking his leg, walking through his Presidency with a flaming red honker, partying with piles of cocaine with all his family members and girlfriends, he was at least not obnoxious. Anyone who can party with known drug addicts and international drug lords at the White House, and then pardon all cocaine and drug pushers with the stroke of a pen can not be called an obnoxious guy. The question is, if Bush is an obnoxious drunk according to you, what kind of drunk is Ted Kennedy?
11. CLINTON HAD THE BEST ECONOMY.
All those hamburger jobs he created! All those daily giant company MERGERS! Why are we picking on the poor man! I remember the rich getting richer!!! Why everyone shredded books and lied about accounts. (Hillary’s art form and true legacy) Clinton made it admirable to be a crook...he made it cool! If a President can lie under a grand jury, why so can everyone!! And how about that NAFTA idea that bought in so many jobs for America! I don’t remember the salaries going up, unless you happened to be a government employee right before the House impeachment where Bill, with a stroke of the executive pen, ordered that everyone who worked for the government would get a nice raise fat raise to help them forget about his love life. Funny, we never heard one politician anywhere complain about that unconstitutional burp.
12. THIS BOOK IS FAIR AND BALANCED.
That’s why all 14 students on your research team came from the rich upper classes, they are all leftist liberals, all white, and all hate the President. Your friend Al Gore helped too. I’d say that’s fair and balanced. (If you go to Harvard)
Now, for the BIG BUCKLEBERRIES....
You do a whole chapter on how you had to go and lie and try and get your Harvard student friend posing as your son into a Christian college, to prove to us that religious schools are hogwash basically, and one of the reason is that they are backward is because well---they are against the evolution theory. Well, gee---last time I heard it was the Jews of the Old Testament that started that very belief in God creating the heavens and the earth in seven days. (You are Jewish, right?)
At least the Christians don’t believe in underground body rolling after death. According to the Jews, after they die, when the Messiah comes again, all those buried Jewish bodies will roll underground all the way to the Holy Land and be saved. I just hope all this rolling of Jewish bodies doesn’t interfere with the cables under the oceans, or cause too many lumps in the roads or we will really have a mess. And those Jews unfortunately buried above ground will just have to figure out how to get through all that concrete crap to get into the main rolling over underground Jewish highway.
But hey, the Jewish people started this stuff...so if you have a complaint, you guys started it. Poor Al, I’m sure the Muslims will accept you. Go see Michael Jackson.
Then there was the” kidding on the square” attempt at comedy in the comic book chapter scenes in which you imagine Kerry as the fearless Chickenhawk Commando leader (nothing like giving your choice away there Bill) in which he leads all the Republicans you hate into battle. I won’t go into this interesting buckleberry except to say that when a comic has to resort to potty jokes, porn jokes and dirty jokes, he has resorted to the lowest form of “pull my finger” laughter, which of course puts his humor at the level of a 13 year-old, making him a pretty sad lot, and that is why no one will hire him except rich corporations, whose CEO’s (don’t tell anyone) are run by Democrats too. One thing for sure, all rich Democrats love to brag about how rich they are, and how poor you are. So liberal of them. Since you are so rich Al, I expect you to be donating your comedic talent to the many homeless shelters, where you can be appreciated.
In fact, this last comic bit was so disgusting it has inspired me to add one more meaning of the word buckleberry, just for you Al, the inspiration...
3. Buckleberries (noun): a very obvious part of the male anatomy, needed for procreation, in need of protection at all hockey, football and political games, comes in pairs.
Yes, the one big truth in your book that I’m sure is really an actual fact, is the one you told about how you were so happy one day when insulting one of your enemies that you went dancing nude and shaking your buckleberries all around the living room where your wife and her friends were playing bridge.
Gosh Al. If these things make you so happy, why don’t you start an “Extreme Political Elimination” TV program, where you can challenge all those Christians you hate to obstacle courses, and we can watch you really become the man you always wanted to be? Frankly, I believe most Americans would enjoy this, and it would make you richer than you already are.
Oh wait; I forgot a really most beautiful buckleberry!
13. WHY DID THEY HATE CLINTONS SO MUCH?
Your answer: I THINK ITS BECAUSE WE...AND I MEAN BILL, HILLARY, AND MYSELF, REPRESENTED EVERYTHING THEY DESPISED. WE WERE CHARISMATIC. BILL CLINTON WAS TALL AND HANDSOME. PAYBACK FOR THE SIXTIES.
It’s really sad when a former President who cannot rely on the history books to rewrite his terrible image and legacy for future generations, has to turn to the entertainment business, like old comics and celebrities, (well, the Dixie Chicks were just plan young and silly) and have them go around trying to convince us all that he was a real good guy. Tall maybe, but handsome? Once again...I concur...Mr. Pickle face.
But, now we know, Al, you are part of the family, you are a Clinton. And the sixties were so much fun that you and your family never got out of them
And if Bill Clinton (just how related are you Al?) did help write this book, than I take the title back. Al Franklin is not the buckleberry King; he is just a Joker with little buckleberries.