Saturday, October 31, 2009

Nobody's E-Mails..Jocks Talking Like Politicians

Nobody Flashes E-Mail:

Who won tonight?

Let me guess...the billionaires.

Since the World Series is on, and I did a good job of giving away ten dollars worth of candy to just two kids, both in Star Wars costumes, I'm in a good mood.

I thought this e-mail from the first girlfriend I ever had (and who still lives in my home town of Naples, Fl., and is actually still the only girlfriend that I will ever have) would be a good one to post.

Thanks to Janet...

Each of these examples is great...Blame Yogi Yankee Berra.


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14 Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."


Friday, October 30, 2009

Nobody Flashes: The Black Pumpkin!

Nobody Flashes:
A Bedtime story on Halloween:
As many of you know, I love a good conspiracy theory, and there is no better time to have fun and make one up than on Halloween!
Besides, I couldn't get away with this any other day of the year.
And so, while I was walking under a full moon...I thought of one of my favorite.
It goes like this:
Long ago, the great Cassius Clay, a black man who was so funny he could make Howard Cosell, a white man not known for his comedic delivery, his best friend, became the boxing champion of the world.
Around that time, another black man named Malcolm X became a Muslim, and made a disciple of Cassius, who became such a great follower of the Islamic traditions that he changed his name to Mohammad Ali...and gave the Muslims loads of money, much like the Scientologists do, but---pretend I didn't say that.
Actually, Cassius changed his name to Mohammad the morning he opened up his draft notice, but that's another blog.
It's very important we get the facts as they tell us, and so the movie ALI was put out with much rewriting ..and good thing too...because soon we will be having a lot of black men and women becoming the new Ameircorp journalists, and then all know the "facts" will be rewritten properly.
Anyway, (seehz) the brotherhood of Muslims, who merged with the black nationalists, made so much money off of that famous Ali, they conned him into going to Africa to fight in the biggest stadium full of Muslims in the world. Which he did.
And then, they got rich, and he went on to sell hamburger grills.
Wait---that was the other guy.
No, he actually became brain damaged which was understandable, because Foreman's (Better know as George, father of a nation of George's) arms were the size of Paul Bunyan's legs...but that's another blog.
Because those black Muslims made so much money off of Ali, they decided to recruit more of those famous black men. Which they did.
I mean, it's not like they had OIL wells.
They recruited to their cause, a very rich pop star named Michael Jackson. He became a Muslim, and even went to live in many palaces of Saudi Arabia...right after he had been arrested for molesting a boy. Actually---make that more than one. The timing was perfect.
When he came back, to the United States, he had big burly Muslims of the brotherhood surrounding and protecting him, even when he wore his pajamas to all his court dates---that's how safe they made Michael feel.
One day, right at a very crucial time in the newly elected black Obama as President, a very important argument was being raged on Capitol Hill. The whole country was upset...and then, suddenly.Michael died! In fact, his Muslim Doctor killed him. Everyone said so.
But no one really cared too much because we were all too busy dancing around to songs we hadn't heard in twenty years. Most of us were happy just to be standing.
After Michael's funeral, the Muslim brotherhood went back to Chicago, a town they share with the Democrats, the Mafia, Oprah Winfrey, and some pretty ugly statues...a town where King Obama spent his days climbing the latter of political payoffs.
But, on that dreary dark night...the conspiracy of murder, was about to happen. A cell phone call, came---ring-"You got the Thriller, Thriller,"
"What's he saying...thrill her? I thought he was gay? Hello?"
"This is he"
" has to be he ready?"
"Yes, he'll never know"
The murder was perfect...the whole next two weeks was all about worshipping Michael Jackson, and it took the whole country's mind off of the evil empire in the White House, and what they were doing.
Yes, fingerless Rahm, the right hand man to King Obama, took advantage...of the death of a black man. It's the Chicago way. It's the Muslim way. It's also, among most News and cable channels...the American way.
And by the way, Rahm Emmanuel, better known as Dead Fish Manny...says he's Jewish...but he looks like a Muslim who got his finger cut off either by the mob, or by the Muslim brotherhood because he did not return Ali's glove to the great one. Which was filled, many say, with African diamonds.
No, Rahm claims he was attacked by a one knows where the missing finger lies. Someone once said they saw it in a tossed salad, but it was never proven.
Still, there are rumors...that the dead Michael Jackson will get an Oscar for his performance in the upcoming movie..."This is it."
He does an excellent job of playing himself, and he deserves an Oscar about as much as King Obama deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. Which is exactly why he will win it.
Then, they will give the Oscar to Michael's three white children, and they will cry in front of the whole world...onstage, and Janet will smash her breast into their faces...and one might even fall out.. and then Obama will come up on the screen, directly from the White House..and say...
"I did NOT kill that man...Michelle, I mean....Michael...he was a credit to the nation, and even though I still do not deserve the peace prize, if anyone deserves an Oscar it's me...I mean...Micheal."
Obama bin ready...he is out there...hunting Geraldo...(I know, what does that have to do with the story?'re right. Nothing.)
So, tell the children, warn watch out...sometimes on Halloween night, when the moon is full, they might see the ghost...of a finger...hovering in mid air....
Carrying a black pumpkin, with a huge scary grin...
And the Giant black pumpkin will be laughing, and his eyes will light up, and he will be EATING A GIANT TACO! And he will be a deep voice, over and over, that sounds pretty much like Barry White...
(Hey, give me a break, I'm new at this stuff.)
Everyone have a Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Nobody Wins when our capital is overrun with a giant monster of cockroach proportions.
This happened this morning, on the very steps of our great Capitol, and there was just no stopping the big threat to the city.
It seems that Orkin,(Bug guys) went out of business, because they were just the right size to fail, thereby not getting any stimulus money from Barney Frank, and that's the reason this horrible event happened.
Once again, we repeat; As we see from these pictures, this "huge" bug came out and appeared on the steps of our Capital in Washington D.C. today. The press was not allowed anywhere near the dangerous creature, even though it actually talked and said foul things no one believed or understood. And Orkin was no where to be found, as we have already explained.
The people and press were kept behind ropes for their own protection. Someone actaually saw Michael Moore running down the street. (Okay, so he saw a hot dog cart.)
But it was reported, (by some nobody unrelated to me) that heard above that horrible gigantic bugspeaker's squeeky voice, (who somehow got to a microphone and who some said went by the name of Nancy) was the repeated chant:
So far tonight...because the Daleks were needed back in London, Orkin has been given a quick loan from the Fox News Channel.
Hopefully, this won't happen again.
(Nobody makes this stuff up...except for the part where I said Orkin was out of business. Everyone knows that Orkin, which produces many poisonous chemicals that can destroy man, women, children, dogs, cats, bugs, plants, and tea party people, will always be...too big to fail!)


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Nobody Cares: Barbie-cue

Nobody Cares: Al Gore said recently that the world had only 40 days before it would be too late to save it from mass global destruction.

We also know that we have just a little over a month to save our Constitution, when Obama signs over our sovereignty to the United Nations forever.

Barbie has only a few minutes before Ken comes and saves her from the wicked trolls of environmental wackos who are mad at her for using too much energy.

Will she escape to get a new politically correct girlfriend another day?
Will the world end this year?
Will our current national 'emergency' continue until the next election?
Will the United States end with Obama?
Will the people of the world continue to bow down to tyrannical nut jobs?
Will they REALLY take away our hamburgers?
Will our next President be a transvestite?
Will Barney Frank ever stop being such a moron?
Will Brad Pitt stop driving motorcycles and take up roller skating?
Will Thomas Sowell decide that the only way to save our country is for him to give up his life, and run for President?

How the hell should I know.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Stimulating Nurses

Nobody Knows:
“Cen I speet to Peeellip please?” said the caller.

Okay, I answered my phone. I will answer any phone, unlike most of the population. This is a problem of many American women who are stuck at home, and are hoping for a call where someone says, “YOU HAVE JUST WON…$112 million dollars!”

It’s an illness, and so far, no one has thought of a cure.

Who---say that again?” I said. Obviously, this was one of our new poor illegal immigrants trying desperately hard to communicate with one of those pesky Americans who are living unlawfully in their rightful country.

“Can I speak to Peeelllip?”

“Who? I can’t understand you…”

Can I spee to Peeelipp?”

“There is no Phillip here.”

“Well, would chu lik to train to beeecum a nurse?” was her next question.

“No.” (I was wondering if a man named Phillip had picked up the phone, if she would have asked the same question.)

“Well, eeesss there enie-one dere who would lik du train du become a nurse, because we can TRAIN yu and yu familiiee?”

Oh…happy day!

My training days were over right after I flunked my first Philosophy Class in college because I told the teacher Socrates was ugly so that’s why he used his brain…(The old Rocky theory) but I wasn’t going to tell her that.

“No, no….and no…goodbye.”

After I hung up, I thought--- that’s a new one. Just ask for anyone and start right into your sales pitch. That poor Latino lady sounded so desperate. As if…if we didn’t get “nurses” right away, the whole country would die, and she then she really would have to go back to Mexico.

She was told that desperation and flu is everywhere, along with a shortage of good churches to hide at, and do not worry…soon, the people would need professional help.

And since the housing market collapse, lots of illegal’s lost jobs, and so more jobs are needed to fill the void, therefore…voila! We need nurses! Nurses can not only deliver babies, they can have lots of their own.

Maybe you have heard about the nurse shortage. It is so bad that plans have been made to put the illegal immigrant women to work as nurses, and train them to deliver babies outside of hospitals as soon as possible.

There is going to be a shortage of doctors soon after they pass the Public Option, so the next best thing to deal with the overload of sick people (because the lines will be long to see medical doctors) …is nurses. Give them the power to do everything but major surgery, and put them on the government payroll.

All they will have to know is how to take a temperature, give a shot, take blood, prescribe antibiotics, deliver babies, and then the government will have a whole new working class of government workers.

If you can’t speak English, don’t worry. All your computer entries will be in Spanish.

Sadly, the phone call left me…bored. So, I turned on C-Span. I love C-Span.

And there she was…some really sweet looking grandmotherly lady on the floor of the Congress. She was a representative, from a Southern state, who was telling, dare I say it? The truth.

In English!

Nobody Knows where they found this gem, or why she was even allowed to speak, but there she was…telling us about how AARP, was all for the Universal Health Care system, because they would make billions off their supplemental insurance programs which people would be running and tripping over to GET in order to cover all the monumental costs of hospitals, once the Government Health Care program kicked in--- because as everyone knows, no government medical program is going to pay…much…or close to nothing because our government is broke, and will be until they can get some aliens from another planet to “fix” it.

And no doubt these aliens will bring what we are going to need…lots of nurses.

And more hairspray for our newscasters.

So, that’s the plan. We need to invent more “service” jobs, because in Universal Health Care, a whole slew of government “nurses” will be hired so “President” Obama can say the stimulus is working.

Soon, we will be so overloaded with nurses; they will be waiting for us in our local drugstores, Wal-Marts, schools, and grocery shopping markets!

Wait…that’s already happening?

Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m here to tell you. The reason no one in Congress will ever admit in a million years to reading the Health Care Plan is because they don’t want to be held accountable when the mob comes to their houses.

“Hey, that was slipped in after midnight! I was in Kabul being shot at! I had NO idea; I didn’t have time to read it!”

Someday, I just know it. I’m going to answer the phone and some recorded message will say: “COMRADE…you must report to your local city hall and sign up to volunteer to be a nurse for a year if you are not currently working, or ill, or else pay a fine of….”

AT that point, I will hang up, and no longer answer my phone. So, they will have to come to my door, and I will say I am an alien, I have a deadly virus contacted on Mars, and my name is Peelip. I died in 1969, and now, I'm a zombie who cannot be around humans.

And if you don't believe me...just ask my husband.


Monday, October 26, 2009

Nobody's Perfect: Jay Leno

Nobody's Perfect: When Jay Leno was picked over David Letterman to replace Johnny Carson on the Tonight's Show, it was a major surprise to most of the country.

For many years, Mr. Letterman held the ratings war. He was my favorite for many years, mostly because he made my middle-age son laugh so hard, and it was something we could watch together. He was at the top of his game.

But then, one night, Hillary Clinton appeared for the first time on his show, during her Senatorial run, and the very next day, David Letterman suffered a major heart attack. When he came back, he used his show to attack conservatives, and became...well, in some cases, just downright mean.

He just wasn't funny anymore.

That was all Jay needed to gain support. He told jokes about both parties, and continued to get rich, which increased his "car" collection. He had the Tonight Show's great stage, time slot, and followed it's successful format.

So, why is Leno's new show doing so badly in the polls right now? Well, it's not just that he looks like he never even combs his hair, or the fact that the new look of sloppy couch chairs is not really appealing...and his interviewing of famous people on a big TV screen is sometimes, boring..

It's what he is doing with FORD. The first time any of us saw his idea that all his guest would drive around the new electric or (hybrid) cars and he was going to try and make it entertaining...well, many of us were just downright insulted.

Why? Because it's common knowledge that Leno has one of the most fabulous collection of gas guzzlers on the planet. If there is any man on the planet who should be against forcing people to drive tiny electric cars, it should be Jay.

That whole segment is an advertisement for the New Global Green Cars Movement. And while he will use his show as blatant advertising for mass cultural brain washing..he himself (like most elites) will continue to be seen driving around in one of his many beautiful gas guzzlers.

So, he's not perfect. He has a very expensive habit, and like Bob Dylan says, "everyone's gotta serve somebody"

But I have a suggestion. If Jay would bring just one of his cars from his private collecton a night, to drive or RACE that really silly car he has everyone getting into...his ratings would soar.

He might even save NBC!

Okay, maybe not.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Nobody's Absurdities, No. 76

Nobody's Absurdities,
No. 76


Presidente Obama's Czar of National Health Care Emergencies, issued another warning all citizens not getting their flu shots.

This man was last seen walking near the Dayton, Ohio, school for the blind.

The whole school is has been infected and is now designated for slaughter.

If you see anyone who looks like this...STAY AWAY...and immediately call your local sheriff. Or better yet, if you a politician of any party, and tell them you have money to donate to their re-election because they are doing such a fine job, and then send them to the exact location that the infected man (or woman) was last seen.

This is what swine flu really looks like! Be careful.

Now, we return you to your last crisis.

(Nobody makes this stuff up.)