Friday, November 30, 2007

Uuuuuuuugh, Hillary Is Speaking

Nobody Flashes Anymore: In a sleepy all American small town in New Hampshire today, a man went into a Hillary For President campaign recruitment center, grabbed a few hostages, and complained that if he didn't talk to Hillary he would set off all his flairs bought at the local Wal-Mart. He also complained that the government had put a chip in his head.

I know how he feels. Around supper time, Hillary ran to the city to make a big speech about how wonderful it is that all these young people come from ALL over the country to fight for a change. I guess they couldn't find anyone in this town to campaign for Hillary. They had to ship them in.

And they picked the wrong town.

After listening to just about the most boring speech ever recorded in history, the thought was made very evident that this highly educated woman, who longs to run the world, cannot start any sentence, not one...without saying "uuuuuh" first. I tried counting just how many times she said "uuuuh" and got so frustrated I gave up. "Uuuuuh, and I appreciate, uuuuh, these young people, uuuuugh, who come from uuuuuuugh, all over to make uuuuuugh a difference..."

Even a five-year- old speaks better. And they complain about Bush. Really.

Maybe this guy had brain damage from listening to too many Hillary speeches.

Anyway, next time you hear her talk, go try to count them. And then just imagine listening to that every single day of your life from now on.

Go ahead, uuuuuuugh....take a number.


Thursday, November 29, 2007

Tubing with CNN

Nobody’s Opinion: I have been wondering for a long time, what exactly has come over CNN (Clinton Network of Nincompoops) because lately, the biggest conservative voices you would think would be on FOX are on CNN: Lou Dobbs, Glenn Beck, Pat Buchanan, and Bob Bennett.

Go figure.

Maybe they really are all one big party pretending to be split.

But last night, during the Republican debates in Florida, CNN was back and doing what they do best: portraying normal Americans as dumb, gun-toting, bible-thumping, Southern hicks. “Selected” YouTube questions were sent from obscure places, along with a ‘live’ question from a gay general who reportedly worked for Hillary. The topics were picked to accentuate all the stereotypes of dumb conservatives, right down to the gun-toting Dick Cheney cartoon.

Thus proving that the progressive writers are not on strike.

The topics were all the same ones to make the young democrats run with fear to the voting booths: gun control, abortion, Iraq, and mean Republicans picking on poor illegal aliens.

Here’s a quick summation;

Duncan Hunter: CNN kept off this guy…because he is sensible. He hunts quail. His son was in Iraq. He built a wall on the Mexican border proving that the concept actually works. He suggests we all buy American. He reminded the world that we are always helping them in all their natural disasters.

He sounds like a sensible guy, so they took a side profile shot to make him look like Bella Lugosi.

Ron Paul: Man wants to know, “Does he really believe in the North American Union Conspiracy?” Ron Paul says, “Yes!”

Paul has actually read the constitution. The only problem is, most Congressmen know the border cannot be closed due to corporate and government agreements already made in order to keep “elites” in money and power…so we have to stay over in Iraq and fight. If they closed the borders, and protected our country here, we could leave---but that won’t happen.

Nevertheless, Ron Paul as Secretary of Education could get rid of the Department and teach the next generation how to reason.

John MaCain: I don’t know about you, but McCain scares me…and I’m his “friend.” He has sided with the democrats on so many issues he’s starting to look like Hillary in drag. And to make up for his past liberal record, he is now a war-dog.

His very emotional stance on “no torture” is pretty scary. How could you expect him to make a rational decision in wartime? Sitting in a prison for five years doesn’t make you an expert on military strategy.

McCain said he would pick a Vice President with knowledge on telecommunications… Al Gore? The President of Yahoo? CEO of General Electric?

Fred Thompson: Whenever I see Fred, I think of the lion in The Wizard of Oz sitting as a judge siting legal cases of Law and Order.

Fred said he could correct Social Security in 75 years…so soon?

He would stay in Iraq forever. Fred needs a joke writer that’s not on strike.

Rudy Giuliani: Because Rudy is the only man who can beat Hillary due to his popularity among independents, Anderson came out of nowhere and mentioned the latest Rudy scandal to attack him.

But Rudy keeps running on the things that he has done, and it’s quite a bit. And yes, much as all others candidates harp about it---when all leaders were running for the bunkers on 9/11, he was out in front. Nevertheless, would he close the border?

Probably not.

Mitt Romney: Here’s a CEO with ambition. Whenever he looked into the camera, I really thought he was going to sell me a Ford. He had a great video ad.

He would solve most problems by bringing families back…well, wouldn’t we all? Let’s talk to Brittany Spears. On record, he is very confusing. Did he or didn’t he?

Since he thought it bad manners to ask an illegal alien to stop working on his roof, I don’t think fixing the borders is big on his list.

Mike Huckabee: Bill Clinton’s Howdy Doody. Like Bill he’s fun to watch. If elected, he would welcomed illegals with open arms, feed all the little children, and give speeches at Bill’s Global Initiative meetings on Christian compassion.

Tom Tracrado: Because he is even more feared than Ron Paul, he was only on camera for maybe two seconds.

There you go. All you learned was: CNN is still slipping, sliding, and tubing us all.


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Joe Biden's Web

Nobody Flashes: Once again, the grand lady who looks like a sweet little ol grandmother, comes out warning us all about what Mr. Biden does on his days off...

Which is...well, let's just say, he's not exactly for men. Read Phyllis Schiafly's warnings here.

The feminists spiders have their pimps.


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Say Three Halo's and Pass the Controller

Nobody’s Opinion: I have good news for all you guys. While all this feminist stuff has been crammed down everyone’s throat like so many maggots of madness, there is one place in the new culture that man can claim superiority on every single level.

Video games.

Video games…where a man can be a man again. Not only can he conquer the universe and ruthlessly slaughter and machete millions of ghouls, fight all the past and future world wars on earth and all over the galaxy---he can pretend he is Tiger Woods playing against a female with the body of a goddess, and beat her.

And every single female body on any video game is beyond belief. Where it used to be the perfect scale was 36-24-36…Laura Croft measurements alone are about 55-14-22.

I’m almost embarrassed to be in the same room with her.

This could be a problem because after so many hours of video porn the wife is going to look a bit like an overgrown pumpkin--one he might want to put up on the scoreboard.

Just think of what this is doing to all the girls who thought they’d have to grow up and look like Barbie? Good god. We need some really big, fat, video game goddesses for the girls, so when they do not grow up to be that fat, they will feel better.

Actually, I think designing video games was the necessary backlash that men used to respond to the changing culture of feminization happening all around them. I mean, come on…can you think of a better way for men to regurgitate their testosterone levels and take out all their frustrations?

You start out five-years-old killing mushrooms, and end up Al Pacino selling drugs and taking over Miami.

So, why don’t women like this stuff?

Could be, that somebody has to feed the dog. Could be, that watching 2 million aliens come at you at once and hearing machine gun fire for days actually becomes boring, not to mention annoying to women…I don’t know…you tell me.

Maybe it’s the 3-D effect that makes women really dizzy.

Men can find their ways through hundreds of complicated mazes and scenes on video, and know exactly what door to go back to--- but can’t remember what aisle the grapes are in.

My grown husband and my grown son love to sit around and play the latest video games.
They would do just that for the rest of their lives, if they didn’t have to eat.

I often walk through the room and talk…don’t ask me why.

I could say things like, “Honey, the airport was just attacked and there is a nuclear warhead heading our way.” And he would not even blink.

It usually takes at least four hours for a man playing a video game to respond to a question. It’s a great time to tell him what you bought at the mall.

It’s also works well for a good equalizer. Every time he buys a video game, you can go buy new boots. What can he say?

Just for fun, last weekend, I sat for a whole four hours and watched the boys play Halo. While I was thinking, “Who thought up this beautiful scenery, and how many hours did it take to draw it, and how do they program this stuff?” The boys were reveling in the different weapons choices.

My son got especially excited about the “hammer.” Which was just a black spear, but killed anything. This kind of confidence building was obviously very exciting.

Of course like all video games, the challenge to kill bigger and meaner enemies and go on to the next level, is the whole concept.

In Halo, you go from running around and shooting, to driving a tank and shooting, to flying a plane and shooting, to jumping into alien ships and blowing them up. And if you die…give it a few seconds, and you’re back.

In Monopoly, if you did not have houses on Boardwalk, you were doomed to poverty and torture for hours…

The last time I got into a vedio game was against my husband. We were at a mall and put those helmets on and got into a Virtual Reality game.

I actually beat him. Me---the dumb blond. He was stunned for two days.

Say what you like---a woman needs a man to have confidence so if and when we are actually invaded by aliens or jihads, the woman can run to the basement and say, “Honey, you’ve had a lot of practice at shooting, I’ll wait here.”

“Pass me my old 45’s, and leave some DNA.”


Monday, November 26, 2007

Riding the Duck

Nobody Flashes Anymore: Today the big news was not so new, but everyone was talking about it anyway since Pat Buchanan, a doomsday believer with a jolly attitude, came out with his new book called Day of Reckoning in which he reckoned that American is pretty much f*%#

The Mexicans will take over the Southwest: we will stay divided by class, race, and gender: our manufacturing will never return: the white race will disappear before the century is over: and we still will have to listen to old eagles songs on the radio.


Interbreeding with animals, and fornication with dogs and ducks will soon be legal.

If it all has to end, I say we go for it! Just make sure you take it outside.


Sunday, November 25, 2007

Bill and Oprah: Turkey Tenders

Nobody’s Opinion: While all the candidates are scrambling to get on the various roundtables like Meet the Press and Face the Nation before the Iowa caucuses, Bill Clinton, the man who knows most voters don’t even watch those shows, got himself on Oprah on Thanksgiving Day.

And Oprah was not exactly thrilled.

After his mesmerizing grand entrance, which he must practice in his various bedrooms every night---Oprah made it known to everyone that it was Bill Clinton, not her, who called and “requested” the appearance.

You could tell Oprah was mad because she had to bow to this request. Somewhere, I bet Obama was fuming. Despite all the power that she has, it seems, as Bob Dylan once noted: “You gotta serve somebody.”

Evidently even Oprah has a “somebody.” She had the “I’ve been crying all night, but I will not cow down to this turkey.” look on her face.

She very sweetly introduced him as the former President---Bill Clinton. She then asked the question; Just what should I call you…Your Highness, Your Majesty?

Bill narrowed his eyes…”You’re good.”

And she is right---The habit that Bill Clinton has on insisting everyone introduce him as “President” is beyond obnoxious.

Could it be that Oprah is starting to actually think about “politics?”

Bill’s excuse for this arrogance is, “Well, everyone just calls me that.”

Then Bill continued on with his show, with his ever relentless platform of “giving.”
(As if none of us know how.) He likes to keep saying, “You will get a huge return if you just give.”
Right---Americans are going to pay off their credit cards, put their kids through college, and be able to take a vacation over ten miles away from home with their great “returns” from Bill Clinton.

Let me see if I’ve got this right. Our country’s deficit is so beyond comprehension, our grandchildren will still be working on paying off just the interest alone…

Americans have the highest household debt that has ever been recorded, something like $10,000 a person, and that’s just the credit cards…

Higher Taxes are coming…

But forget your bills---give to others first.

Yes, Bill wants you send your money to help some poor lady carrying mud in South America just so she can start a nice business for herself.

The new Bill Clinton’s form of communism, cloaked in Jesus’ robes, is called KIVA. They say it's as much fun as shopping online...just try it! Normal American’s make “loans” with no interest to poor people all over the world. The loans are paid back of course, but not really to your bank account…it gets turned over to Juanita in Kenya!

Your reward is the good feeling you will get, because you did not pay off your bills just so Juanita could start a business and make Bill and Oprah feel good about themselves.

Gee, what a wonderful world!

“Giving is the most selfish thing I have done.” Bill proudly claims.

Well, I think Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey, and various other “victims” of Bill’s might dispute that.

Then they bought out a young girl who, while dying of a kidney disease started sending money to poor kids in Africa because she saw them on Oprah. Much to her credit she had raised a lot of money.

Remember…she got the idea on Oprah.

The next subject was dear to both their hearts---controlled schools. Parents have no say, students have no say---but Bill and Oprah will generously “give” your poor black child an education...just sign away all rights on the dotted line.

They even bought out retired tennis master Andre Angassi to show off his controlled “school” in Las Vegas for poor black kids.

But the best part came at the end. Just when it looked like Oprah could get no farther away from her “guest” on the stage, she started bragging about how much she had raised for the poor and needy all over the world. She produced precise maps of her “angel” network throughout the world. In fact, she has raised over $72 million.

“Well, my foundation has raised over $10 billion.” said Bill---Ho!

To see these two turkey tender multimillionaires trying to up each other’s fundraising abilities on national TV was just a gobble away from a regular turkey like me to scream...

“More whip cream!”

I can’t wait for round two. Next year---I'll bring the pie. I’ll even give you a piece.
Nobody's Perfect: I'm not against giving anything. But I do believe in taking care of your own first, otherwise nobody can give anything. If you've got it to give, then go ahead. But if your in debt, I think it's wise to get out of debt first.
Nobody's Knows: All these programs are just the warm up for the soon to come "mandatory" giving, which will be more of the state taking away our time, and our money to redistribute it around the world.
Nobody Cares: I actually think this big attention grab for Hillary's failing poll numbers might backfire on Bill and Hillary. I wouldn't want to make Oprah mad. She might resort to calling Bill and Hillary---King and Queen. She might just have enough influence among the poor classes to affect Hillary's chances. Only time will tell if that "somebody" lets her.