Wednesday, November 22, 2006

It's All About The American Pie

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Nobody’s Opinion; Tomorrow, while we are all piling so much food into our stomachs that we all secretly reach down to unbutton our pants to make room, (thinking NO one saw us do it, when of course everyone at the table noticed) there are two things that maybe as Americans we should all be thankful for;

There are some women in our country who can actually still cook, and 2. There are still men in America who can fix a car.

Of course, these numbers are dwindling fast. And it’s up to us older dweebs to start passing down what we know to the younger ones, before its too late. As everyone knows, these talents are vital to our national security. You never know when we are going to need to fix a hummer or have to cook a tire.

Every day of the year, it has been a rule in our house, that all the woman try NOT to cook. It’s a necessary habit of sheer survival for the love that we have for our spouses and children. Because the fact is, I come from a long line of woman, who for whatever reason--- couldn’t even cook water.

NEVERTHELESS…that didn’t stop us all from preparing the best and most wonderfully tasting Thanksgiving dinner anywhere. It was the rest of the year that we had trouble.

It started with my great-grandmother. Even though she had a farm, all she was good at was making Elderberry wine. That was it. She let her daughter; my grandmother…feed the family. And because she didn’t have much of a teacher, she couldn’t cook either.

But, I suppose it didn’t matter because the elderberry wine was in good supply.

Now, since my grandmother was a terrible cook, my mother was even worse, and therefore, I am have been known to actually almost burn down whole kitchens.

NEVERTHELESS…like my mother and hers before her, when Thanksgiving came, we could make the most perfect dinners. Who could have thunk it?

And like most families, our specialty was my grandmother’s recipe for “pumpkin” pie.

Now…one of the things that makes us American, is our ancestors passing down their favorite recipes to their daughters ( I suppose like fathers handing down their favorite spark plugs) …recipes that have been in the family for sometimes centuries, brought over from Europe in boats and memories. Some of these recipes were the reason some of these women got husbands.

I’d like to tell you that this recipe, which I am about to reveal… (I’ve guarded it with my life all these years) was something handed down by my great-great Aunt Bessie. But I can’t because she was in a mental institution all her life.

No, like all other true blue-blooded American women who can’t cook, my grandmother stole it.

During the war, back in 1942, my grandmother would get real dressed up, take a cable car to go downtown St. Louis, and go to her favorite restaurant in Baden…which no longer exists. She would have a piece of pumpkin pie, which was made fresh each day by the lady that owned the restaurant, who unlike my grandmother could cook.

And because, my grandmother ate so many pieces of this pumpkin pie, the lady finally after many years, gave her the recipe. (So, she really didn’t steal it, technically.)

And so, dear readers, even though it pains me to give such a valuable information away FOR FREE…because I am feeling rather generous at the moment due to the fact that I do not have to cook tomorrow…

Here it is…the best pumpkin pie ever invented.

This is a pie to die for. It tastes nothing like any pumpkin pie you will ever taste anywhere else in the world. Sara Lee would die for this recipe.

I’m trusting you readers, that if Sara Lee comes looking for it….guard it with your life.

And guys this is really so simple, even your buddy who can’t even make salsa and chips right, could do this. Even small children can make this (with help of course) I

In fact, that’s when it comes out the best, when you do it together as a family.

Grandma’s Toelle’s Stolen Recipe for Pumpkin WWII American Pie!

First, when you go to get beer today, pick up a few other things;

You will need; 7 eggs, sugar, cinnamon, salt, nutmeg, butter, milk, a can of whipped cream, one Pillsbury Pie Crusts, 2 Deep Dish…and One large 29 oz can of Libby’s 100% pure pumpkin.(NOT THE MIX!)

Oh, don’t forget…the beer.

Turn on the game, and get to it.

Put 7 eggs in large bowl, (without shells guys) and then beat. (If you don’t have an electric mixer, then it’s about time you get one, Wal-Mart is open until New Years Eve) If you are feeling like a linebacker, beat with a hand mixer, or spoon.
Then beat in one and one/half cups of sugar. (keep the mixer running boys)
Then add 2 cups of milk (keep the mixer running…)
Add one large can of Libby’s 100% Pure Pumpkin. (WARNING, WARNNG!) Make sure you DO not, repeat DO not get the Libby’s Easy Pumpkin Pie MIX! I’ve done this at least twenty times in my life, because I’m in a rush, and it ends up in Bosnia. Oh, get one can…29 oz.
You still with me? Okay, in a separate pan, MELT a half of stick of butter. After it’s melted, go ahead and dump it in the mixing bowl. Now, you can shut off the mixer, and the stove. That was easy…wasn’t it?
Now, this is a very fun part, and the big secret…..Get a mixing cup. Put ¾ cups of sugar in the cup. Then get one (I go as big as I can) heaping teaspoon of cinnamon into the cup.
You’re not done yet…turn off the football game for just a few more minutes...okay, leave it on…put ¼ teaspoon of nutmeg in your cup that already has sugar and cinnamon.
Last item to go in your cup….SALT! One heaping teaspoon. So, you have sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt in a measuring cup. Now, take a spoon and mix it all together…till it comes out all brown. Really take a lot of pride in this part. Kids especially can do this and it will keep them busy for at least the next two downs.
Now, turn the mixer back on, and add this cup of extra fat into the stuff you’ve already mixed. Let it mix in. Taste. Does it seem bland? Then sprinkle in…and this is VERY important, more nutmeg. Taste again…better? Ahhhhh

10, Does it look smooth? Then pour it into two DEEP DISH Pie Crusts. I know, you might have some left over. You can cook it in a dish, eat it like cookie doe, or give it to your dog. Or better yet, put some in your buddy beer when he’s not looking.

Fill the crust up to the top.

11. Let the pies cook in your oven at 400 degrees for 30 minutes…(put the timer on, or you’ll forget) then go into the kitchen and turn down the oven temperature back down to 350 degrees. ([Put the timer on for 60 more minutes)

Take out and let cool. Now, whip cream, the sucker and….

The men in my family can eat a whole pie at one sitting. I don’t advise this. And if you happen to like this, then bless my grandma Anna Toelle, and then bless the soldiers, and America, and have a great Thanksgiving!

Oh, you’re welcome.

Nobody’s Perfect; You probably think by looking at this LONG recipe that it’s hard, but it’s just about as simple as can be. The problem is, I can’t shut up, and that is one of the reasons I’m a bad cook. It should take you all of twenty minutes to do.

Nobody Knows; Was pumpkin pie invented before the spark plug bulb? And just who invented pumpkin pie? Anyone?

Nobody Cares; My father, invented a special type of spark plug he called the “Tipper Timer.” I’m not sure what it did, but he couldn’t get it on the market. Later, someone else actually did steal the idea and put it on the market, and it’s in all the cars.

NEVERTHELESS, my father did not pass this knowledge down to his son, or his daughter for that matter, therefore I cannot afford my own cook.

I often think of this small family fact on Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

You Say The 'N' Word, And I Say The 'Y' Word!

Nobody’s Opinion; Having only seen five episodes of Seinfeld in my whole life, because I was on a stage somewhere performing myself at night, I perhaps can offer a different perspective to this whole “racist” comment by Michael Richards.

What he said was really “stupid.” Probably, he was tired, maybe sick, maybe worried about a million things…and the problem with performers is, no matter WHAT is wrong with your day or life, you have to be happy, UP, and full of energy when you get on the stage. You want to leave people going away from that night feeling good, or you will not be hired back to that particular establishment.

This is NOT a kind of job where you get any slack. Unlike people with normal jobs, you’re booked up weekly or in one night stands… not exactly job security.

And like a rich man once told me, rich men worry about money just as much as the poor: they just have bigger bills.

So, here is a table full of black people, who will not shut-up, who are rude beyond belief, who are so used to getting by with rudeness just because they can…it makes them feel powerful, and important---and the guy just flipped. They were probably being rude to him, because he was white.

I wonder if they were among mostly white people.

And unlike someone who works in an office and can hide his moods, a performer with hundreds of people looking at him, has to have control.

And when you have a heckler, they can take over, and you lose control of the crowd. You might not get it back the whole night.

I doubt this guy ever gets invited back to that club.

Barbara Streisand, not too long ago it was reported, told someone to “Shut the f…k up!” I’ve been to concerts of the most famous performers and seen them throw it right back at their audience. I once saw Janis Joplin throw a real hussy fit onstage, saying just about every cussword in the book. One time I saw the lead singer of Chicago refuse to start a concert because some people were talking back in the twenty-second row. His tirade went on for over thirty minutes.

Being onstage, is sometimes like that dream you had when you are back in high school walking the halls with no clothes on. If you’re having a bad night, just about little thing gets blown out of proportion.

Although, my way of handling hecklers was to take a break, some performers especially famous ones, do not have that option.

So, this guy lost it. And my guess is that, he was, like many of the “whites” in America, sick of always being called “racist” when in reality, every single day…you, the white person, are trying everything you can to be nice, only to be spat upon for something you did not do, but you are white, therefore, according to everything and everyone in America, you hate black Americans, the frustration can built up.

And many blacks take full advantage of that ace in the hole. We saw it recently with the stripper crying rape from the college boys at the fraternity party.

Then, to make matters worse, in the apology he was bringing up Katrina. Many of those people were on welfare.

And it’s never their fault.

Where’s the whiskey?

Even my son, from listening to rap music, thinks that the reason blacks become drug dealers are because they have no other choice in life.

This is propaganda at its best, and only Bill Cosby is out there trying to refute it.

Have you notice, Bill Cosby is NOT getting much airtime for his crusade?

For someone to lose it as this Michael guy did, means that he probably has had years of being tired of catering to rude, obnoxious blacks, and like the bullies at the school yard, having to never say anything because it was “not nice.”

He was tired of being muzzled. He went into the rant, but here is what is wrong…

If he had been black, everyone would have laughed.

You know it, I know it. And it’s wrong.

How often did we hear Richard Pryor say that word? How often did he get to point out the silliness of the word? Richard Pryor saw the world as it was. Richard Pryor was a genius.

Obviously, this guy is not. He’s just not very bright. He got mad, and then tried to ad-lib it into a comedic moment, but he just didn’t pull it off.

And if a black man can call another black man that name, so should a white man…in affection, or in a heated argument.

For God’s sake, this is AMERICA. We are supposed to have freedom of speech.

We have been so brainwashed, that we have “hate” crimes, and cannot smoke, drink, or say certain words.

You will end up on Homeland Security’s most dangerous list.

This is becoming simple blackmail and extortion, used for the democratic vote.

Men still call woman C...ts, and whores…and God knows what else, but you won’t see that on the evening news.

To a woman those words are JUST as offensive as the n word.

Why the double standard?

Because of slavery?

Or because the division between blacks and whites must be kept alive?

If you guessed number two, you get a cookie.

The black man should be able to call the white man also, whatever he wants.

What the real problem is here is lack of manners, civility, and integrity.

And that is being thrown out by mostly, Hollywood, and the left.

Slavery still exists all over the planet. The Muslims and Africans still practice it.
But, last time I looked, most white Americans do not practice it, unless they have their dogs or wives trained to get the beer.

So now, a white comedian says it, and he was right…it WAS shocking for a white man to have the audacity to even dare UTTER the word, a word that has been kept alive by our politicians to keep us divided.

If we would allow Jerry Seinfeld to go onstage, along with Whoopi and say the n word one hundred times, maybe we would get over this stupidness. Too bad Richard Pryor isn’t still alive, he could teach them how.

If the whites and blacks ever got together and realized what their government is doing to them, they would probably start looking on each other as people, not enemies.

There are many blacks, who do see it as stupid. Like “mazza” commented, no where else on earth are blacks treated so well.

But, better keep that n word alive and kicking. Bring out the Jesse Jackson parade.

Ever since Jesse Jackson and Clinton’s minions of “let’s divide and conquer” we’ve seen the most virulent hatred come out of the black people all over America. Daily they have been reminded of past abuse; so much so, they have become exactly what they don’t want to be…slaves…for the Democratic Party.

What this guy should have said was “God, I’m sorry for calling those black people what I did. But on the other hand, there were many people there that night who came to listen to me perform, and those people were so rude and loud, and didn’t care about my act, or how hard it was to try and talk over them, so even thought THEY started it, I will apologize if they will. “

Right…in this new politically correct world, I wouldn’t doubt if the man doesn’t get sued. There are still Johnny Cochran’s seeing big bucks in this.

Nobody’s Perfect; Like Mel Gibson, Rush Limbaugh, and Tom Cruise, (this one still kills me, he jumped on a couch and said he was in love, even Glenn Beck doesn’t trust him.) this guy will probably be forgiven because he mentioned Katrina.

I thought it was more appalling when Tom Cruise used to let Rosie kiss him.

Oh….I get it. He was jumping up and down about being in love with a Woman! If it was a man, no one would have been upset!...takes me awhile.

I think Charley Rendell suggesting the draft, is a lot more damaging to the young African American men than Richards saying the n word in an angry rant, but that’s just me.

Nobody Knows; Someone said today on the radio, that a DVD was coming out this Friday with Seinfeld’s past episodes, therefore that was the reason for the Letterman apology. Makes sense to me.

Nobody Cares; Despite the many “rude” and “racist” black Americans that I happen to run into every day, I run into just as many “rude” and “racist” whites. I’d say it’s about even.

In fact, I bet that’s just about the average everywhere.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Hillary and The Holy Grail

Nobody’s Opinion; Ever since the election, I find watching the news almost too much to bear. Hearing about all the free presidential campaign advertisements on all the cable station promoting Hillary for president in 2008 by way of “political pundit debates” on whatever topics can have her name in it, gets old real fast.

Just think, for two more years, we will have to listen to speculations of Hillary VS Obama, Hillary VS Kerry, Hillary VS McCain, Bill, Hillary VS Gore, and once in a while, some old guys like Blair thrown in.

Oh, but…she hasn’t even THOUGHT about it yet!

When I heard that Bill Clinton last week, along with Madeline Albright and the rest of his old cabinet was at the “secret” meeting held at the White House with over forty other demagogues of the old orders, doing a “meeting” with Tony Blair on video conferencing about the Iraq war and what to do, well, it seemed obvious to this nobody that the 48th President has now taken back control of the Oval Office.

My suspicions have always been that he has never left.

No wonder President Bush looks so darn happy. Now he just has to go around and dress up in silly costumes, play golf, and once in a while come out and make a few speeches. Hillary and Bill are back in the White House already. I doubt they will ever leave.

Why spend already overtaxed people’s money on an election?

So this weekend, planning on dismissing myself from all the “debates,” I finally went down to the local video place and rented. “The DaVinci Code” because I had refused to spend good money at the theater on what I thought was simply a propaganda film meant to get the whole world off the idea that “Jesus” should continue to be worshipped in the upcoming New World Order.

By now, most everyone has read the book, AND seen the movie.

When I read the book my first thought was…”good writer.” My second thought was; “Okay, who paid this guy to put out all this complete demolishing of the Catholic Church and Christianity?”

What feminist movement wants Mary Magdalene (Prostitute who became holy when she supposedly married Jesus) to replace Jesus and Mary…as the new divine presence to worship? What left-wing illuminati put this guy up to this task?

Was this put out to pave the way for the divine Hillary? (Whose political prostitution is well recorded, along with her husband’s?)

And doesn’t this book and movie go nicely along with all the recent continual onslaught and complete denigration of any kind of Christianity in the United States?
Is it hard to resist a hot fudge sundae complete with nuts and whipped crème when it is put right in front of you after you’ve been on a diet?

Lots of churches are being burnt down, but I don’t think I’ve heard of one Mosque being torched.

Please. Of course this was all planned.

The kicker that they left out of the movie that was suggested heavily in the book is at the end of the story in the book; they infer that many of the heads of states of Europe, and even the United States are probably descended from the blood of Christ, through Mary’s children.

God forbid they be descended from apes like all the rest of us.

This of course would give all those in power around the world, the ones that seem to stay forever---would give them by blood, the REAL divine right to rule.

It is called in the book and movie, the “royal bloodline.” Interesting choice of words describing descendents of Jesus Christ…don’t you think?”

Royal? I wonder what Jesus would have thought about that?

To give Tom Hanks and Ron Howard their due, they tried hard to stay neutral on the premise of faith and religion. But in the end, Tom Hanks ends up kneeling at the tomb of Mary Madeleine, whose bones are buried underneath the glass Pyramid at the Louvre in Paris.

So, I ask you: How many people who have seen this film will believe that Mary Madeleine’s bones are really there? Probably more than half. I wonder just how many tourists are kneeling at the base of the Pyramid, praying to, not Jesus, not Mary, not God, but to the misunderstood and powerfully wise, Mary Magdalene.

The “I used to be a prostitute but Jesus forgave me and then made me his “companion” and so I bore him who knows how many bastards.” woman who was almost stoned to death, but saved by Jesus.

The French do love their prostitution.

And how many people after seeing the movie, will believe that Mary the prostitute Madeline, was really betrayed by a bunch of men sitting around a council, who didn’t want a WOMAN to lead the church just because Jesus said she should?

Therefore, they recorded that she was a prostitute, to deprive her of her rightful power.

Why, only MEN should rule!

And who else, besides me, thinks this is just some more clever use of the media to promote the ideal that Hillary can become the first Woman President of the United States, if some men, who are obvious chauvinists, don’t stand in her way?

So, having thought about all this, I suggest we have a council, and decide that even though Bill Clinton (The Jesus of the Democratic party, who just keeps getting resurrected again and again) wants Hillary (His prostitute and fellow comrade in carrying on his plans to save the world with the New Progressive Third Way Religion) to carry on his legacy in the White House---we, as a council have decided it would not be a good thing for history.

Why don’t we just do what they did at that council, and write her as Bill’s wife and forget about her. Build a few statues and say that Bill loved her very much. (Cough, cough)

Then when she dies they can bury her bones in the Louvre next to Mary Magdalene. Let them debate about her “abuse” a thousand years from now.

The men of the church did a pretty good word spreading Christianity. I doubt Mary could have done much better. In fact, having all those children would have kept her occupied.

But who knows? We still might hear a rumor that Hillary does have the “royal blood” flowing through her, thereby making here the perfect choice to lead the world.

That’s one movie I won’t want to miss.

Nobody’s Perfect; Tom Hanks has been in very few bad movies. In fact, he has always chosen his roles wisely, but even Tom Hanks could not make this movie really exciting. On the whole, the book was better.

Nobody Knows; Why they made such a big thing about the “Holy Grail” being a person, not a cup. In the movie, they use Leonardo’s “The Last Supper” as proof that there was no “cups” at the dinner, therefore, no “Holy Grail” cup.

How absurd is that? Leonardo probably just forgot to put cups in. I’m not sure I would have wanted to clutter things up having to paint twelve cups, plus all the mess on the table. Being an artist, he wanted you to concentrate on the people in the scenes, not all the messy cups all over the table.

Will we see this on the new conspiracy theory program? The missing cups of the last supper?

Nobody Cares; Lots of people will be getting “The Davinci Code” as a Christmas present this year. By now, most people have forgotten the book, and will look on the movie just like Tom Hanks says…”It’s just a thriller.”