Friday, July 18, 2008

Time and Mr. Stengel Look for Third-Way Patriot

Nobody Wins: Do you get choked up when you see the American flag carried down the street on the 4th of July? Does the sight of a soldier carrying an Iraqi baby in his arms bring a knot of tremendous emotion to your chest? During the seventh-inning stretch at a baseball game, do you stand and sing with reverence for all who gave their lives to keep our country free---or do you sit and tally your scorecard?

Okay, baseball is an American game, so I’ll cut you some slack if you’re under twenty -one and just dropped your beer.

Did you get angry, like I did, when Obama said that he stopped wearing his American flag lapel pin because “he saw that people were wearing a lapel pin but not acting very patriotic?”

And just what does that mean? And this guy wants to be our President?

Why didn’t he question their patriotism, like any decent American, instead of taking his flag pin off? (No…I’m NOT going to get over this, it’s important.)

Hey, if we deserve anything, we deserve a patriotic president; otherwise, we’re all bound to become walking zombies.

So why am I all in a huff about this?

Time Magazine’s July issue was devoted to this very subject: Patriotism. (I try not to buy this stuff, but sometimes I can’t help myself.) The name of the main article was, “The Real Meaning of Patriotism.”

As if Time would know.

Here’s the problem: According to Richard Stengel, who wrote this attempt at redefining the term, we have just got to get over ourselves and our flag. (He says he’s trying to bring us together here.) The Democrats have been screaming for years that the reason they protest so much is because they love their country.

Well, if they love our country, then they should honor the flag.

Here’s Mr. Stengel’s first sentence---

Patriotism has always been the most abstract of American virtues---which may be why we fight so ferociously over the symbols that help us define it.”

Huh? Well, I don’t know about you, but we’ve only had the eagle and our American flag since the forming of the country. Where’s the fight?

Here’s the definition of a patriot: “A person who loves, supports, and defends his country and its interests.”

Do you see any thing about this definition that is abstract? No, it’s as plain and simple as the concept of hunger. You either crave a hamburger for lunch or you don’t. You’re a patriot or your not.

Anyway, Mr. Stengel goes on, with his mandatory confusion:

“What we need going forward is third-way patriotism.”

What? Is this the “third-way” of Bill Clinton? Is this the Alvin Toffler’s Future Shock ‘third-way’? Will we get yield signs with this new ‘third way’?

Mr. Stengal attacks conservatives for getting upset when the Mexicans don’t assimilate. Mexicans according to him, can be real patriots of America, while flying the flag of Mexico too---just like the Irish do once a year.

What’s amazing is that there are a lot of people that fall for this argument.

First off, the Irish spoke English, and they are Americans. They know who founded our country, and they stand for our flag. They have “assimilated.” The Mexicans have not.

Obama wants us all to learn Spanish…if that’s not proof that they want America to become Mexico I don’t know what is.

Here’s another kicker;

“Patriotism isn’t about honoring and replicating the past; it’s about surpassing it.”


Sure, we all strive to improve America, but throwing the love of your country out is like killing yourself. It’s like saying, “Go ahead, attack us again, I don’t care.”

Mr. Stengel goes on; he loved McCain knocking Washington because---

“He has acknowledged how defective American democracy often is, something Reagan, with his airbrushed patriotism rarely did.”

Airbrushed patriotism? (Go ahead---say a few bad words here.)

America, where most people hail from somewhere else, that kind of blood and soil patriotism makes no sense.”

Oh, right. Unlike the Japanese, Spanish, and the Russians, who never let others into their countries, any patriotism that we have, according to Mr. Stengal, “makes no sense.” We are not even allowed to be patriotic because we are a mixture of cultures.

Don’t tell me this guy has some kind of degree, Mr. Henry Adams. Let me guess…Harvard?

Okay, so Mr. Stengel thinks he writes clever propaganda. They have to break down America in order to bring in their new ‘third-way,’ which is just an old ‘third-way’ from another old country, far from our shores.

And this unpatriotic country, with ‘airbrushed patriotism’ brought it down.

Mr. Stengel can’t seem to find a country, so I suggest he move to Japan so he taste the wonderful feeling of being a patriot.

He can write an article on why the Japanese play American baseball…let’s give him another's the American 'way'.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Jolie or Shetty? Opinions needed.

Nobody Flashes Anymore!

With all the serious things going on in the world, it's nice to have to think about something that's not likely to kill you.

Here's the question:

If you had the choice of paying over $10 million dollars to charity to be the first person to photograph Angelina Jolie's newborn twins, or pay $25,000. to kiss this famous Indian movie star, Shilpa Shetty, proceeds going to fight diabetes...

Which one would you choose? (I'm asking men only here.)

Let's say you HAD the money for both. On the one hand, after getting into trouble for kissing Richard Gere, MS Shetty might be just getting warmed up. There is no mention of how looooooong the kiss could last. Diabetes is a worthy cause.

On the other hand---getting to take pictures of Angelina Jolie would get you, I'm sure, unlimited time to visit with Angelina, AND also to get her in some of the pictures without Brad, who would probably be out riding his motorcycle. Maybe the kids would fall asleep. Maybe she would invite you for lunch. Maybe you would suddenly forget your film, and have to come back for more shots...maybe she would let you film her pumping up her lips with collagen.

Men? Which would YOU do?

Go ahead---surprise me with some incredible and witty answers. I suggest a beer to warm you up.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Nobody Knows Why I Think Obama Is Like a Disney Princess

Nobody Knows: The main topic this week was a rather “satirical” cartoon on the front of the New Yorker Magazine, and nobody anywhere seemed to be able to figure out just exactly what the editors of this magazine were trying to say.
Was it satire at its finest? Was it just an insider insult to everyone who has never read the magazine? Or was there a real traitor among the staff who was still mad about Hillary losing the nomination?
All week long it gave all the radio talk show hosts and the main cable stations hours of fun and frolic---not to mention probably some nice bonuses to the editors for coming up with such a clever cover.

What it didn’t do was cause riots….darn. (just kidding!) Obama, it seems, tried to stir up some riots by saying that the cartoon was a real insult to Muslims, but nobody took the bait because there were other things on their minds like…the price of gas! Which brings us to---

Nobody Knows: How did that price get so high? Everyone is pointing big sticky fingers at everyone else. How in the world did the United States find itself in such a huge energy crisis, when it seems everyone all knew what was coming for ages?

Every politician that can find a microphone say its either the democrats fault for keeping us from drilling, or the republicans fault for wanting their oil buddies to make big profits, or the Saudi’s for not producing, or the American car manufacturers for making those big gas guzzlers…but in the end, it somehow always ends up on the American people’s lap.

Yes, admit it. You go out in the backyard at night and hoard gallons of gas in empty buckets under your porch! You use it to light bonfires in your backyard! You drive your car to Las Vegas EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND!

This has GOT TO STOP! And then you have the audacity to use air-conditioning! You heard me! Stop that! You ninnyhammer! Turn off that AC---stop driving your car! Walk to work! President Bush even suggested you turn off your AC while you’re at work! Let your cat die!

Don’t you realize that China needs the oil now?!

Well, that’s what they are telling us. When you run out of politicians to blame, you can always blame the American people. It’s the old wives beater trick. You know “I beat her because she was begging for it.”

Do you feel guilty yet? Well, if you do, then be rest assured that nobody in Congress does while they fly all over the country and the world in the finest luxury at your expense, which brings us to…

Nobody Knows: Why Bernanke and President George Bush look so guilty every time they talk? Today, when Bernanke was asked just how in the world were Americans supposed to save when their wages leave them buying their flip-flops at the dollar store, (Meantime Michelle Obama pays $800 for a pair of earrings.) Bernanke’s answer was that Americans needed educations now to get the higher paying jobs. What he didn’t tell you is that those higher paying jobs are in China, and you have to move.

You’ll be retrained alright, but a guy from India will get that job with Microsoft that you might want, which also brings me to…

Nobody Knows: Why do Microsoft’s and Yahoo’s business negotiations have to go before a Senate committee? Why does our government have to get into all business deals now? We need a new amendment to the Constitution that says “separation of state and corporations.” Right....

Nobody Knows: That in St. Louis today a black man went in and shot his wife at the local mall. I only mention this because it was all over the national news. These shootings in St. Louis have been going on since the race 1969 race riots, but we hardly ever make the national new. There has been a lot of talk from "governors" wanting to send in National Guard units to the black communities, lately. The man did kill himself also, so I have no idea what the National Guard could have done---arrest the gun?
Nobody Knows: And coming back to Obama: I know this is going to sound pretty silly, but I was just thinking. If you look at the Presidency from a marketing point of view…Obama will be President.

Why? Because he’s coffee-colored, like the rest of the world. I call this my Disney-Princess Theory.

For the last decade Disney’s cartoon princesses have all been coffee-colored in order to sell the movies sell all over the world. Mulan-Jasmine—

Nobody knows if maybe its just come down to that—America needs a President that the rest of the world can relate to.

Marketing our President…due to the color of his skin?

In that case, it’s a good thing nobody knows, and Nancy's days are numbered.

Also, nobody knows why I like this tee-shirt, because this rant had nothing to do with sex---but in some esoterical way, it just---fits.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Yankees Stadium, What next?

Nobody Cares: The All=Star Baseball Game is coming upon us, and with it the end of Yankee Stadium. know the old saying..deaths comes in three. We had Tim Russett, Tony Snow, and now Yankee Stadium.

I have never been to Yankee Stadium, but if the NEW Yankee Stadium is anything like the new Busch Stadium, the common people will not have as many seats, ticket prices will go up, parking will go up, even beer will be more expensive...and there will gobs more big corporate rooms behind bullet-proof glass, for the rich and famous.

We pions in St. Louis said nothing about it here. But something tells me, if they short out the common Yankee fan who live or die by the team, the new Revolution will start in New York.

I'm ready boys. Call me up. In fact, call up the Babe.


Amfortas For President!

Nobody Cares: When I got this in my e-mail the other day, I was pretty excited....

My good friend from Australia was finally getting some press on his Presidential run! It took me about three minutes to figure out the joke, this internet technology is pretty amazing.

Anyway, if you know anyone who would make a good President, and I would suggest from the pick we have now, that's just about everybody, then have some fun! Thanks to my buddy who still has my support...good luck amfortas!


Monday, July 14, 2008

Pancakes of Political Flippers: Arnold Schwarzenegger--King Flopper

Nobody’s Perfect: “Great minds think alike.” I don’t know who said that, but last weekend when I was listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger being interviewed by George Stephanopoulos (say that about five times real fast) there was a moment when Arnold spilled the beans.

It was one of those “I can’t believe he actually admitted it on camera!” moments. You know---one of those, “Is he really that stupid?” confessions; like when a bank robber brags about his crime because he just has to tell somebody how clever he has been…which is pretty much what Arnold did. He started bragging about how, during primaries, you run as something you’re not, then you move to the center to get more people, and then once in power, you can be a liberal or do just about anything you like.

Right there on camera, he admitted his own scam.

We all witness this every day. It just took the arrogance of a movie star who’s seen his own humongous head a little way too many times on the big screen to admit it. Still…I wondered if anyone in the media would call him on it, since George didn’t.

Sure enough, the great mind of Glenn Beck took the subject and ran with it today. It was all about flip-flopping.

You know, that pancake action taken by politicians when they run on a theme or agenda, just to get elected, then as soon as they get in power, they do a complete 180 turnaround? Sometimes they turn around so many times you wonder where their point of entrance actually was.

Flip-flopping is an art, and we have Olympians performing them daily on our newscast. And it’s my Nobody’s Opinion that the new “News Museum” across from the White House should be renamed, “The House of Flopping Political Pancakes.”

Flip em’ while their hot!

Arnold also told George that he thought flip-flopping was great. I’m not kidding---that’s the word he used. He said to George, “I vonce thought dis, now I think datend of story.”

End of story? What story?

It’s like, he was saying “So, I van as a conservative vepublican, because I new dat if I ran as a liberal I vouldn’t get elected. And you dthought I vas going to kom in like the Ter-min-a-tooor, and you believed I vust have been a real conservative to stand up to Ded Kennedy, and let you dhink that I’m the big man in the house because I married a Kennedy out of love…but I am a die-hard socialist, and I kom from Germany (actually Austria, but he loves Germany now because they lead in solar power) and took steroids and became big movie star and then bought ‘alf of Cal-le-forn-nia, And I told jew how much I loved this country, (which I will flip-flop on when I am President) and now I vill become the most powerful man in de vorld someday, because I know how to run---to de left, da center, and da vright! And I also vill become the new energy guide, and I alone vill lead the vorld into the new global energy products, because first and foremost, I have stock in solar, wind, and hybrid cars, and I vill become even richer than Bill Gates…and I vill transform the face of the earth with brand new energy technology, (Arnold is getting better at English) even if I have to burn up half of California every year just to prove it. And after Cal-le-forn-nia, I vill go to the moon and set up solar communities, and then vie vill go to put clean water on Mars…”

Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself here. First, Arnold has to become President, which as we all know by recent history, is a mere technicality.

So why is Arnold begging for a position in Obama’s cabinet, and at the same time endorsing McCain?

For the same reason that the Pope is endorsing global money…I mean warming.

Here’s a clue that he knows its all bull. He wouldn’t admit to George that global warming was causing the fires in California.

If Arnold ever becomes President, our American ways as we know it will be terminated. We will all be little extra’s in Arnold’s environmental sci-fi real-life movie. I don’t know about you, but I think Sylvester Stallone was trying to tell us something in “Demolition Man” when it was told that Arnold would become President. I’m putting salt right under light-bulbs on my list of items to save.

Arnold: An over sized brain filled with the residue of steroids floating around looking for a way to expand.

Someday, it’s going to explode.

Arnold may be lovable flip-flopping pancake--- but he’s turned out to be a real pain in.... pan.


Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Gentleman Leaves the Stage

Nobody's Opinion:

Tony Snow--gone.

I'll hand you my tears, if you hand me yours.

In the end, he stood by a falling star, when nobody else would.

And that alone made him the greater man.