Saturday, December 05, 2009

Nobody's E-Mails: How to Handle Beer

Nobody Gets E-Mail-
Tis' the season to be jolly!..and I got the perfect e-mail this week to go with the perfectly jolly announcement from the makers of Samuel Adams Beer...(A beer dear to my patriotic heart, of course.) They have just put out a beer with the alcohol content of 27%, and at $150 a bottle, many a man will want to give it a whirl.
---This delicious looking brew has been banned in 13 states, due to the fact that most people walking the planet would end up walking around in circles, naked, and maybe wearing read slippers, a football helmet, white socks and a thong, if they had a glass---after having set fire to their car.
I figured the beer, released during the holidays, and this email were all carefully American marketing conspiracy...and a great one too I might add!
So, if you happen to be fortunate enough to actually have a glass of Sam Adams New Utopias special brew...cut this out, and put it in your pocket.
Something tells me you're going to need it.



Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Cause: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Corrective Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Cause: Improper Bladder Control
Corrective Action: Stand next to nearest dog,
complain about lack of house training
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Cause: a. Glass empty.
Cause: b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Cause: You have fallen over backward.
Corrective Action: Have yourself tied to the bar
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
Cause: You have fallen forward
Corrective Action: See above
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Cause: a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Corrective Action: Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
Symptom: Floor Blurred
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Corrective Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Cause: You are being carried out
Corrective Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Cause: Bar has closed
Corrective Action: Confirm home address with bartender.
If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest
fire escape door. Run .
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Cause: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Corrective Action: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
Cause: You are dancing on the table
Corrective Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking
Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear It's water!
Cause: Somebody is trying to sober you up
Corrective Action: Punch him
Symptom: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting
on makeup.
Cause: You're NOT in the men's room. Do not use urinal!
Corrective Action: Excuse yourself, exist and try the next door down
the hall.
Try to get phone numbers before existing.(optional)
Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Cause: You have been in a fight
Corrective Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
Cause: You've wandered into the wrong party
Corrective Action: See if they have free beer
Symptom: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
Cause: a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Corrective Action: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted
Cause: The beer is too weak
Corrective Action; Have more beer until your voice improves
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Cause: Beer is just right
Corrective Action: Play air guitar


Friday, December 04, 2009

Arnold (Lex Luthor) Schwarzenegger

Nobody Flashes: Where have we seen this before?
SCENE: Alcatraz...prison. Lex Luthor and his sidekick Otis are watching the news. (From the movie Superman)
Otis: Hey Luthor, who is that guy?
Lex Luthor: That, you idiot, is our governor..Arnold Schwarzenegger. You gotta hand it to this guy...he is using my plan.
Otis: What plan is that?
Lex Luthor: Well, Superman stopped me, but I almost pulled it off. I was going to put those two nuclear missiles on the San Andreas fault, and then California was going to fall into the sea, and since I bought up all the land in Nevada, when California sank into the sea, I would have owned all the prime ocean-shore real estate! Now, look at this guy Arnold. He is stealing my idea!
Otis: But Luthor....How can he nuke the San Andreas fault? He's the governor of California! He doesn't have any nukes, does he?
Lex Luthor: dimwit! He's got something even better! He is going to use cause a tsunami, and the title wave alone will cause the whole of San Francisco to fall apart! It's brilliant. Everyone knows Arnold has been buying up prime California real estate ever since he made a fortune on those Gold Gyms. And he's even got those Google guys in on it with him...he will do it, and blame it all on global's colossal! It's so fantastically brilliant I could have thought of it myself! He will then own all the prime real estate around San Francisco...and he can keep it up, causing tsunami's and floods until he owns the whole state of California! Damn... Just think what I could do with that HARP project...if only Superman wasn't such a good guy, I could have gladly given him San Francisco...because it would have been under the sea after I was done with it...
Otis: Luthor..what's an HARP?
Lex Luthor: It's a top secret government military weapon, it sends a powerful magnetic signal into the atmosphere, and it can be used to cause earthquakes, and volcanoes, it's even better than a nuke because it's so top secret! They can control the weather and use it to attack and destroy, and then blame it on global warming! It's the perfect weapon, becuase you can alway blame mother nature. What I could do with HARP...even Arnold would be amazed.
Otis: Oh. (Otis is thinking...)
Wait Luthor, you promised me a piece of land...named Otisville.
Lex Luthor: Tell you what Otis: if you write the governor and tell him I've got a better plan for him, then I'll give you....Yakipa.
Otis: You will Luthor? (Otis has no idea where that is.)
Lex Luthor: Sure Otis, now, get out of my way. I've got a letter to write.
(Nobody Makes this stuff up)


Thursday, December 03, 2009

A Bold Question for Glenn Beck

Nobody Knows: “Question with boldness.”

For anyone who watches Glenn Beck's FOX show daily, as I do, you know that at the beginning of his opening, he has three statements, one of which is the Thomas Jefferson’s quote: “Question with boldness.” Glenn believes in this statement so much, that he has suggested that we do the very same to him.

So, okay Glenn---as you would say: Buckle up and follow me! I have some questions for you.

While Glenn wants us all to follow him to the preserving of our Constitution, and keeping the America we all love intact, (Which he does brilliantly.) some of the things he is endorsing does not exactly stick to those true American principals.

I’m not sure he is aware of it. At least, I hope not.

For example---Glenn has endorsed two authors on his show. He said that he has read their books. The first guy, Joshua Cooper Ramos, wrote the catchy title that Glenn loves so much: The Age of the Unthinkable.

I read his book. Ramos does not believe in keeping the sovereignty of America. He is a Kissinger globalist--- internationalist---killer of the United States. Anybody who read the book would be appalled at Glenn even endorsing this nonsense. Glenn even has had other guests on that brag about being friends with Ramos.

I wouldn’t even admit he was my neighbor.

The second book he recommends is actually nothing short of brilliant. It’s all about how the elite bankers of Nations who more or less can control us all. The authors’ name is, Liaquat Ahamed. (I know) He is a Harvard graduate and has worked for the World Bank.

His book, Lords of Finance, records the almost unknowable facts of how four bankers from four nations (Our Federal Reserve, Bank of England, France, and Germany) caused the first world depression. Ahamed teaches you that the eastern Harvard elites and the world bankers have been controlling the world for quite a while now. After reading this you will wince every time you hear some billionaire or politician claiming complete ignorance of the whole global banking mess.

While I have to thank Glenn for introducing this book to his audience, there was one thing that worried me. At the end, Ahamed mentions his gratefulness to Strobe Talboott who was his beloved mentor.

And since Glenn LOVES to show you how associations should be questioned----bring me the chalkboard please.

Who’s Strobe Talbott?

Strobe Talbott is one of the modern fathers of the New World with no borders, philosophy. He has been a favorite mentor to many of our American sovereignty destroyers. He was Bill Clinton’s roommate in college. Bill mentions him in his bio, My Life, as his mentor.


Ahamed’s book is so good, that he pretty much has written the perfect blueprint on “How to cause a financial global meltdown, destroying any country you like.” If you just follow how it was done before…then add weather modifications, Universal Health Care, and Cap and Trade, you really can’t lose.

So, let’s do what Glenn does…question his endorsements with boldness.

Obama is associated with mostly communists. If Glenn Beck is endorsing these authors, who themselves admit admiring the new one world government, does that mean that, Glenn admires the globalization of a One World Government?

By all accounts, we wouldn’t think so. Guilty by association? I don’t know, you tell me.

Glenn Beck has become somewhat of a hero lately. His books are best sellers, as are his concerts. It was his influence that brought out the crowd on 9/12 to the Capitol. He has started a “revolution” of ORDERLY protests. By his own admittance, he has been the “release valve” for all of us who are just waking up to this takeover.

But lately, he has been preaching that…”Okay, so we are getting screwed…admit defeat, close down your cushy life, and think of your grandchildren, never mind saving yourself.

It’s almost the same thing we are hearing from Obama, is it not?

I must admit, when he starts on this “get yourself ready for the judgment day” stuff, I have to bite my lip.

Some of us feel our grandchildren can take care of themselves. We’ve just been robbed of not only our life spans (baby boomers) but our own hard earned retirements, and we are really pissed off. We’d rather see some heads of state on a platter… (Figuratively speaking)

It seems to me, instead of leading a revolution to arrest the criminals in our government for treason, he is asking us to prepare for a lesser life--not so bold.

Either Glenn beck doesn’t read at all or he really is being used to guide us all like nice little children…into the New World Order of the Unthinkable, ruled by the Lords of finance, as a gentle pied piper being used to direct and muffle and guide our anger.

Glenn Beck is still the best thing to come along in a weary while, so I say, let’s enjoy him, but also remember what a great guy once said,”Trust, but verify.”

Glenn is right...better to question with boldness, than end up being surprised, that once again, like with President George W. Bush, we were fooled.


Wednesday, December 02, 2009

She FINALLY Got on Larry King...At Last...

Nobody Cares:

Okay, all of you that really cared whether some wanna-a-be famous people crashed the President's White House Dinner, please stand up?

Half the room?

Okay, now those of you who think that this story was put on all the major news stations for every single minute by minute update on "Gee...the President COULD have been shot!" was just a ploy to not only get the news off the poor performance of our Congress and President, but to make sure that all the crashers of the party we didn't see, were ignored...please stand up?

One person?

Okay, I'll sit down now, because I could care less.


Monday, November 30, 2009

Nobody's Perfect: Tiger Woods

Nobody's Perfect:
Not even Tiger Woods
Perfection reveals itself, when you can say to the world--
"I'm human, and I'm not perfect."
(As I so lovingly remind everyone every Tuesday.)
Yes, the most perfect athletic golfer in the world, Tiger Woods, somehow did not see the tree that jumped out in front of his car-- even though he can see a tiny little round white speck flying through the air at over 200mph.
In fact, Tiger can see not only his golf ball, but the golf balls of the men playing on hole seventeen, while he is teeing off on the ninth hole. He can see a bug crawling on the green in front of the hole before he even tees off.
But---he did not see that lovely girl walking with that Hollywood lawyer.
I say we leave the guy alone...(fat chance that happening) and just admit that it's nice to know, his wife is handy with a golf club too.
This Nobody suggests that the next time Tiger decides to take off at night...he should have NIKE paint and post their NIKE logo's on all the trees around the house...and maybe buy that tree that was hit, and sell the pieces of it on e-bay.
Hey, I'll chip in. (get it...chip in...)
By the looks of that lawyer, Tiger might need some extra cash..
Hey, Tiger's dog loves him...and that's always a good sign.


Nobody Muses on Missing Music

Nobody’s Opinion: I don’t know what the matter with me is …I really don’t…but, I think it’s the music--- I miss it.

Everybody should have a big dose of whatever their favorite music is every day. Music is the human’s way of expressing that which even words have trouble doing. Sometimes just a note can resonate a deep feeling. A single note, played in the hands of a Jeff Beck, can take you back to your first love, or a lost one.

The baby boomer’s “sounds of silence” have been transformed into a raucous and meaningless, “I got a big gold necklace and you have a big shaky bootie, and I have a big what you want, baby.” dance rap songs---a far cry from “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” or even, “I’ve Got You, Under My Skin.”

Many of us are just figuring out that very few things are a coincidence. Most “cultural” phenomenons are hashed out in think tanks and introduced into the market for our “control.” Yes--- that even includes our music.

For instance: Rapping is an easy way to get kids to praise Obama, and learn his government lessons of complete mindless obedience to all his “topics” as we all have recently seen. So, it’s no wonder rappers are all over the place.


Do you really think some of these guys, made it to the top by their incredible talent?

Between the internets, talk radio, and cable news channels, most of the news is so horrible I feel like I’m hearing some bad version of Moonlight Sonata being played in the background, over and over again.

I’m beginning to suspect that Beethoven was watching Glenn Beck having conversations with Nostradamus, in-betweens Sonatas.

And when did the music get so….empty? When Michael Jackson died, a lot of us felt like we’d had a bucket of water poured onto our heads….oh yeah…we had forgot all about him…and for good reason.

But…Tom Hanks brought the music back tonight with his HBO special on the 25th Anniversary of the Rock and Roll Hall of fame. Tom wanted to remind us that hey--America did one thing right.

There they were in New York, all the famous musicians of my generation: BB King playing “The Thrill Is Gone” for the 48th trillionth time, and it still sounds like the first.

Crosby, Stills, and Nash putting the sweetest harmonies to Paul Simons’ simple rendition of, “Here Comes the Sun.”

Bonnie Rait, burning our hearts with a love song, like only she can.

Then the masters--- Jeff Beck, Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin, Dion, Smokey, Springsteen, and that ever so silly Ozzie, who can’t make up his mind if he wants to bless you or cuss at you.

Garfunkel was still reaching out to save us all with his “bridge.”

(Somebody throw me a couple of bridges, I could use them.)

My favorite part was when Mick Jagger started dancing and singing rings around that Globalization Whore of Babylon, Bono Bucket. (Okay, I admit. I’m not a big fan.) I once saw Tina Turner due exactly the same thing to Mick.

The man learned.

And in case you haven’t noticed, the talented musicians of the baby boomers generation are suddenly being dusted off and rolled back out into the mainstream. The Beatles have once again “made a comeback” and you can now play them on a video game. I suspect this is a very deliberate attempt on the government to put us baby boomers, who are mad because they are about to be cut short of a decent healthy life, in a better mood.

There are only so many times you can rip people off before they go nuts. Maybe they figure if we sing “She’s Got a Ticket To Die” enough, we will go quietly into the muddy fields of Woodstock, and get lost in the parking lot to Macy’s, and spend a few more bucks before we croak off, clutching our Universal Health Care cards in our bloody texting hands.

What the hell happened to us? The baby boomers---the hippies, the Woodstock generation of Joni Mitchell’s “going back to the garden.”?

Michelle Obama wants to take us all back there, and why? (As if Monsanto would let us…) They want us to remember the hippie philosophy of “do nothing, live on nothing, money is bad, mom and dads are dangerous, and women can do everything a man can, especially earn a paycheck.”--- Good old progressive ways.

The trouble is, my generation was “in” the garden, and most of us were too stupid or too stoned to know it. Now, we are just figuring out, that the “garden” has been hoed and the field is being abandoned.

What we need now is a rousing chorus of “Hold On, I’m Coming.”

As Billy Joel once said, “We didn’t Start the Fire” Good music never dies.

Buddy Holly might be dead, but “When You Wish Upon a Star” is still a big hit in my nobody heart, how about you?