Saturday, August 01, 2009

Nobody's Favorite E-mail of the Week: Tiger Woods

Nobody's Favorite E-Mail of the week:
Okay, it's a girl thing.
I spent the whole day today, redecorating my bar...yes I have a basement bar, even though I don't drink. But since I've worked in plenty, I felt I could at least get that, "sit down and get stoned out of your mind and tell me all your secrets" feeling.
You MUST have atmosphere in a bar...sort of sexy, but also very confusing. How else do guys get girls so confused that they go home with them? You to be very dark. Right guys? That way she won't notice that you're drooling. She might feel the spit, but she'll think that she spilled her drink.
I didn't have any money to spend on my bar, so I had to work with what I do have, which is a LOT of old German steins, a real steel drum, old Halloween candles, you know the kind that you buy in the Halloween stores and they have skulls holding candelabras in their old red feather thingy that I once upon a time think I used for over an hour...some costume masks, lots of mugs, even one that is from Al Hirt's bar in New Orleans,and eight oil lanterns.
If we have a hurricane, I'll be ready.
Oh, and a few fake flower lays from DisneyWorld, and a statue of the Crypt Keeper, and some big conk sea shells, and well..
The result looked like a shipload of pirates threw up in a whore house, and got in a fight with a bunch of Germans beer maids.
I'm waiting for Captain start singing.
And THAT is why this is my favorite e-mail of the week. My liberal friend J.R., who sells bathroom facets for a living, between dreaming of his old sex life, sent me a set of pictures of Tiger Wood's home-- I imagine it's the one in Florida.
This is what you can do, if you work really, really, really, really, really, hard and never side with any politician on any issue whatsoever.
Not only is Tiger the quintessential classy person in life, he has the most perfectly decorated the world. My god, it's to die for!
It is perfection. I mean it. You should see his bathroom.
Enough. It's Saturday night. Hopefully, you went to a REAL bar, and tomorrow you get a hole-in-one...whether you play golf or not.
As for Tiger, he deserves every single perfect sunset from his living room couch, and whatever he dreams of.
Oh, the Mae West red feather shoulder stole is draped around the mirror...a bit too much you think?


Friday, July 31, 2009

What Happens When You Don't Write the Bigger Check..

Nobody's Perfect:

Obama and Congress, (that lovable bunch of Obamanads), found out a little late that they did NOT put enough money into the CASH FOR CLUNKERS bill...oh my GOD.....


So, until they can get another trillion printed up and out to the dealers, many of the dealers are offering the next best thing...while they wait for their "stimulus to green cars" money. Why should THEY have to give away good cars and be left with the bill? After all, they were promised the money by Congress. (and Obama)

Obama's reason for such a big mistake? After all, he has been an expert so far at giving out trillions...

He was just a little too busy at the beer feast to get this taken care of, but today, he did appear, once again, on our televisions, to tell us all, that he is very proud of the "program" so far.

As Chris Mathews would say, "Let's give the guy a chance, it's only been six months."

In the meantime, a stiumlus bill is being considered in the house to employ more street cleaners.


Thursday, July 30, 2009

Nobody Flashes: This Bud's for YOU!

Nobody Flashes: Upon hearing that the Obama/Gates/Crowley bear festival was going on today...Nancy Pelosi's family decided to protest on the White House lawn. As you can see, the resemblence is uncanny.

Drinking beer was not going to settle any race problems, they said, and more to the point, they claim every man they have ever known...drank so much beer that when the men come home after a night of drinking they didn't even recognized their own wives or remembered their names. They were appalled that Obama would even suggest such an absurdity.
But Obama is not going to be held hostage by a bunch of white women, oh no. He takes race relations very serioulsy so he made sure that since this meeting was going to solve all the race problems of the world, they would need plenty of beer, therefore an executive order was given to get a beer maiden from Germany to "keep it coming" so to speak.

In the meantime, another problem has occured. Henry Gates's Irish cousin, Bobby Dooby, was arrested on the White House Lawn for having just a little too much fun, and also, wearing the confederate flag in honor of her Irish cousin...Gates.

The President's message Is: Somehow, with enough beer, we can get through this. OR>>>

Just stay drunk and you won't care what happens! This Bud's for YOU!

I feel better now...don't you?


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Take This Pill, and DON'T Call Me in the Morning..

Nobody Knows: Did you ever go into a doctor’s office and feel like the “doctor” listened to you, but, 9 times out of 10, the only answer he had was a “pill?” For years, I went from doctor to doctor complaining about being really tired, and each one, just looked as if to say, “So what? You should have our hours.”

My fatigue was not a concern for anyone but me.

Both my parents have passed away, of strokes, and cancer. I basically spent my days and many long nights in hospitals, and saw one horror after another, and I began to see a pattern. Like our government, it wasn’t the doctors, or the staff at the hospitals that were “uncaring” or clueless, it was, once again, the “system” of medicine that had gotten so off track.

So, what happened?

In the book, Adrenal Fatigue, the 21st Century Stress Syndrome, Dr. James L. Wilson explains:

“In fifty years the tremendous influence of pharmaceutical and insurance companies has completely altered the practice of medicine and, as a result the emphasis in physician training and health care has changed radically. A doctor’s acute skills of observation, physical examination and deductive reasoning, which used to be considered his most essential diagnostic tools, have now been replaced by reliance on narrowly interpreted lab tests and lists of numerical diagnoses allowable by insurance plans. The health industry has forced the entire practice of medicine to restrict itself to pre-approved numbered codes for both the diagnosis and the treatment of all health condition.”

In other words, they are basically pharmaceutical pushers, nothing else is allowed.

So, in a sense, Obama is right about the medical system. But, if you read this paragraph again, Universal Health Care will be the same system, only now, instead of being run by insurance companies, the “codes” for care will be run by government accountants. And the “codes” for care, which is now, pretty well keep doctors hands tied, will make nothing but state robots out of any doctor or nurse.

The idea is to get those 70 millions baby boomers off the planet. After all, we’ve heard the opinions of Barack Obama, Walter Cronkite, and Prince Charles, and countless others. Why should they care? They get the BEST medical care on the earth, and will continue to.

Accordingly to them, the planet is just too crowded and cost the government just too much money.

That’s not a conspiracy theory, that’s a fact to them and they truly believe it. In the meantime, they are pouring billions into stem cell research, which only the rich will be able to afford.

Today, the “blue dog” Democrats, have faced an agreement, with “Dr. Death.”

So…will the medical Gestapo come into our homes? Will mandatory vaccines be FORCED upon us all?

Is Glenn Beck being allowed to remain on TV to calm the violent crowds when they figure it all out?

Nobody Knows.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Snowball, Chris, and ABBA

Nobody Says Thank You: Snowball, Chris, & ABBA

I spent the whole day today, holding close to my heart, my little snow white albino parakeet, Snowball…she was dying.

I don’t know why I do this…many would call it insanity…so be it…but Snowball had bought me so many hours of her beautiful singing, and simple pleasure, that I felt it my obligation to hold her and comfort her in her last moments. I won’t go into what she died of, but suffice it to say that, the vet said he was surprised she was still alive…she should have died a year ago…so I knew, her time was coming.

I awoke to hear the dreaded “plop.” I knew she had fallen to the bottom of the cage. I got a soft clothe, wrapped her as gently as I could in it, then laid her against my chest as one does a child…and decided to take her outside…and show her the sky…a real tree…the smell of a gardenia…

I wanted her to see the hundreds of birds that I feed and that she has been singing to all these years, outside of her cage.

We sat on my old swing and rocked, and watched the sunrise, through the leaves of my three biggest trees in my backyard. Many think that you have to go to the most beautiful places in the world to see its beauty, but I think its right in front of you…everywhere. God is everywhere…in every bird, leaf, and simple flower. Sorry if that’s too corny, but it’s probably why I have always liked Emily Dickenson.

Trouble is: some of us are just too damn sensitive to it.

The funniest thing was that, just yesterday, out of nowhere, right in front of the swing, grew a big pink orchid. I have never seen it before…I have no idea where it came from, but Snowball, loved the colors…I could tell. She could see the stalk of flowers from my chest. It was as if God put that one stalk of pink flowers there just for her.

The day went by much too slowly. Snowball, who had never wanted to be held…every time I put her down, her little eyes would follow me…so, I held her, all day…walking and talking to her…she finally passed away around 2pm. She looked like the proudest of eagles…only small, and white.

She was herself, she knew she was special. Even birds have no copies.

I did a pretty good job of keeping it together until I called my husband at work. I wanted to share the news, I wanted sympathy, okay, I admit it.

For the first time…he didn’t recognize my voice…when I said “I can’t believe you don’t know who this is?” He said something like…”Should I?”

Later on, he said something like…I can’t hear so well nowadays, but, you know…it doesn’t matter at the time does it?

Okay, I lost it after that.

Well, there you go. Life and death, and love…fleeting things, they flitter in and out don’t they? But, as the song goes, “I hope you never take one breathe for granted.”

So, tonight, I thought I needed to watch something…and I saw “Mamma Mia” on the cable and I thought of Chris…of Townhall.

And I got to thinking how much Chris had loved the movie. I thought of this stranger that works at some place in some space and time, and read blogs, and loves baseball, and really loves Christmas music…let’s just say, I wanted to say :Thanks Chris.

By just being yourself you helped me through my darkest hour, and you didn’t even know it. God bless you. You see, my husband considers it to be a "girlie" movie, so he refused to watch, but for your enjoyment of it, I would have never been so bold...

The movie, for all it’s silliness, was filled with Abba songs…songs that I have sung a million times. It was a good escape…

Tomorrow, I might just get out some old tapes and dance. I used to be a professional dancer, but it’s been so long…but then again, no one will see me will they now?

And then, I’m taking Snowball, Sunny, and Smokey...(who are in my basement freezer) put them all together in a box, and bury them right next to that wonderful orchid…and then, get back to work.

I have a dream, a song to sing…
I believe in angels…something good in everything I see
I believe in angels…”

Oh, and sorry about this…one is not suppose to “feel” sorry for oneself anywhere. But, if you had only seen her, she was my songbird.

She was my little Snowball.


Monday, July 27, 2009

How to Deal With the Untouchables...

Nobody’s Opinion:

Joseph Farah, of World Net Daily, is leading the valiant effort to get rid of Obama on the basis of Obama’s fraud…he is not, many believe, a U.S. Citizen, and therefore, is not legally President.

I’m not calling him President until I see proof; I suggest we all do it.

So far, Barack has produced no convincing record that he was born a United States Citizen, and the lawsuits are piling up…like bugs on a lamp post.

If you are mad, and feel like suing someone, I suggest you start here. After all, it’s a favorite attack weapon of the democrats; it’s time we start taking some shots of our own.

Nobody’s Perfect: Some, like Ann Coulter, beg to differ on the subject. It doesn’t matter, she says. Good thing she didn’t have a college professor like John Adams, while pursuing her constitutional law classes. She would have never gotten her degree. John and all the other founders were all about establishing a “government of laws and not of men.”

It’s this attitude that keeps getting us into trouble. When our leaders never have to obey the same laws as its people, no matter how “frivolous,” we have every right to get rid of them.

There is a good reason they should be citizens, MS Coulter. A citizen will care more about the country, and not put foreign countries before his own, which is exactly what Obama is doing.

I, for one, will continue to adore Ms Coulter. I figure if Nancy Reagan can smile graciously and say sweetly, about Obama, that, ”Nobody Perfect,” then Ann can certainly be entitled to her opinion, and her opinions are always worth thinking about.

Nobody Cares: Last night I was watching a David Icke short film, and if any of you know about Mr. Icke, he really is amazing. He seems to have the whole global, New World Order thing worked out, UNTILL he gets to the reason why--- all our global leaders are Lucifer followers. According to him, they are some kind of Alien Lizard clones from a 4th dimension, which gets all kinds of people really crazy…because as we all know, Al Gore is a full fledged lizard, of this dimension!

Seriously, I suggest just listening to his lectures because he really does make a lot of sense. As for being “dangerous”…If David Icke is dangerous, then so is Kermit the Frog. Sometimes, I think it’s all an act to keep himself alive. You know, put one really silly thing in so the powerful think you’re not to be worried about because no one will listen to a nut job, and all the while they really are listening (he hopes)…but I could be wrong.

Nobody Knows: the answer to this “global” takeover, but Glenn Beck is getting closer to it, by playing Walter Cronkite’s ranting today, don't miss it.

I was watching a film clip the other day of Howard Hughes talking to a Senator and he said, “Senator, what you don’t understand is that I don’t work for you…you work for ME!” The scene is…pretty chilling. David Icke should put that clip in his video.

Nobody Wins:---When an American President sides with a black racist over a white cop doing his job. Race relations are now going downhill, and all you have to do is listen to Harvard Professor Henry Gates to tell that he thinks every black man or woman should have everything handed to them on a silver platter, because of their skin color. He actually thinks the ONLY reason that black people are successful is because of affirmative action.

Well, he’s walking proof he didn’t get where he is because of brains, it's no wonder.

There was no affirmative action right after the Civil War but that didn’t stop Booker T. Washington from establishing five black colleges did it?

What I thought was worse was Obama’s “beer” invitation, and the “Gates will bring himself down from Harvard to forgive the white raciest man…it’s the least he can do” forgiveness ploy.

If I were that cop, I’d go, and ask to see Obama’s birth certificate.

Nobody’s Fool: Michelle Maulkin is pointing out, that Obama and Michelle are from the Chicago way of…corruption. I have been saying for sometime now that we were told that the mob disappeared, but it seems to me… they just merged with the government into one big FUBAR mob.

So, how did they get rid of Al Capone? How do you get rid of an “Untouchable, Mr. Ness?” They got him on a technicality…

That’s exactly what we should get Obama on, and get him out.

Nobody Flashes: How much do you want to bet, that Obama takes our “shares” of GM and sells them to ….China? After all, Carter sold China the Panama Canal. Bill Clinton sold China some California Ports, and by many accounts, all our nuclear missile secrets. Maybe Arnold can sell them some prisons.

Crazier things have happened, that’s just my Nobody Opinion.


Sunday, July 26, 2009

Nobody Visits Dred Scott, Walks Dogs, and Invents at the Same Time

Nobody’s Opinion: Since I spent most of last week with the most horrible expression of, “Oh Nooooo!!! We’re all going to be “rationed” off!” look on my face…I thought it only fitting that I go look at graves sites and start thinking about my upcoming fate.

I thought of this wonderful pastime while I was watching the scene on TV, in the movie Schlinlers List…you know…the scene where they make all the Jewish prisoners take off all their clothes outside, and run pass the doctors who look at how well they run, and then weed out the unhealthy ones, the old ones, and the sick ones…to be killed.

You’ve got to admit- the Nazi’s were straightforward when it came to “rationing.” They didn’t mess around. The world has “perfected” this concept, and it’s much more civilized…they now call it “Universal Health Care.”

And the Universal Health Care doctors won’t have to sit out in the sun, they will have nice new offices, with brand new data processing Apple computers!

That’s why I thought…god…get me out of here before I drive myself crazy.

So today, my lesser half (he’s lesser because he’s younger, and limping at the moment) and I went to look at some graves and walk the dogs at the same time. The dogs were pretty excited to be in a grave yard, let me tell ya. The way my dogs hopped out of the car and ran around you would have thought they were in puppy heaven, filled with a nirvana of Brad Pitt doggie scents!

So many stones! So little time!

Actually, spending a boring Sunday afternoon at a cemetery…looking at all the old booogers with their giant tombstones was pretty fun…and we have one of the best cemeteries here in St. Louis to flip around in.

It’s called Calvary…and for a good reason. There are lots of civil war guys, like General Sherman, and Dred Scott, buried here.

Then there’s William Clark, and those German beer kings, Busch and Lemp.

But I was most impressed by seeing Tennessee Williams, all by himself. He had a really nice BIG headstone that said in big letters: Poet.

My husband and I just couldn’t believe it. To think--- not four feet away from the car, was the man who made Marlon Brando famous:


That’s about all I remember of that movie.

The other thing I remember about him is Paul Newman in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.” Where you couldn’t even conceive of any man fighting with Elizabeth’s Taylor when she had that white dress on....

But then, Williams was not exactly into…women.

I must admit, I was never a big fan of Tennessee Williams, and he was never a fan of St. Louis, although he was born here. I read somewhere that he couldn’t wait to get out…and good thing he did, or the world would now never have the New Marlon Brando Hotel Island complex to go to. The great ripple of life is really being underestimated right now, but that’s another blog.

Back to death.

As you might know, nobody goes to cemeteries anymore, especially the old ones. And that’s a shame because every tombstone has a story…and you begin to notice a pattern…people want to be buried with their own kind.

The Irish with the Irish, the Italians with the Italians, the Priests with the Priests…

Walk through plot 4…and you find McNamara’s, O’ Connors, O’Reilly’s, Mallorys... just about all the Irish that came down from New York are buried here, only to die from the 1849 cholera epidemic.

On one grave it said, “Michael Maloney was born in Tipperary, Ireland.” As if to say he was really sorry he never got back. Like you never KNEW he was Irish with a name like Maloney.
As if by mentioning it on his grave someone from the old town would remember him...

"Aggg...louk heeerrre Bobby...isn't this the little Mikie that used to frug us back of the barn off Barnaby Road?"

They don’t make tombstones like they use to. Back when America was in its “industrial” age, the men who founded big companies competed in death. They wanted to see who could build the biggest mausoleum

You think YOUR tombstone is high?---Well, beat THIS sucker!

One guy even had two gigantic sphinx’s put on the front door.

Now, the bodies are piling up in California because poor nobodies have the money to even bury their dead. And so what do they do with them? Burn them? You use to have the freedom to just bury your parents in your back yard...remember those days?

Of course you don't! That was before someone thought of putting them all the bodies in one place for a fee!

Well..there's a whole nother blog.

I, personally, being an inventive kind of person (due to my dad who invented an object called the “tipper timer:” that of course never got licensed) would make visiting grave stones into a whole new venture.

I would rent out I-Phones with recordings…and as you walked by each grave you could just click on a number, and you would get the dead person’s picture up, or a video, and then hear the biography of the person:

Something like this:

Here lies Anna B. McKinney. She liked to play poker, and was considered a nymphomaniac in her younger days. Later she marred A Civil War general named Piccadilly, who was killed by his mule coming back from the war.

She had eight children, by twenty men…Adolph, Zia, Pia, Mia, Kia, Snuffy, Bobby, and Mildred, whom later became the famous singer with Al Jolson.

She washed 4,900,000,038 loads of laundry in her own lifetime.

She will be missed. Born: 1812…Died…1902.

She also murdered her late husband by setting him on fire, but was acquitted.

You could charge twenty bucks a tape and make some money. Talk about entertaining! You could even sell the complete set of historical burial records on a disc!

I now copyright this idea…and all I need are two witnesses of my idea---


I ……hereby understand Joyanna’s Adams for a taped recording of burial sites, wonderful idea completely.


Thank you.

Hey, if we are all going to die sooner than later, I should make some money. Its BOUND to be the next best stock!

We’ll trademark the company, and call it… “Dead Right!”

Now, go away, I’m now planning my funeral…hmmmm….

Here lies a really crazy lady…who was killed by the Illuminati, and whose brain has been frozen for further study…”