Saturday, January 02, 2010

Nobody Recovers On a Saturday Night

Nobody's Recovery:

My computer crashed last week.

I bought a new one. On New Year's Eve I was trying to figure out Windows Seven.

I have a conspiracy theory already worked out, about why this is happening to so many people...but it has left even me...totally exhausted.

(That's me.)

So, on Monday, I will tell you the real truth of why Bill Gates is going to hell.

(Okay, Nobody Makes this stuff up.)


Nobody Reports: Not Letting a Good Chance to Take Away More Freedoms Pass

Nobody Reports: "President" Obama has JUST come out without his golf shorts to announce his actions to the very dangerous lapse in his really lame attitude toward protecting America...

As his very close advisers have told him time and again: "Do not let a bad thing go without using the moment to take away more freedoms and a chance to spread the wealth around!"

So, Yemen has become the new enemy, and Obama will be sending over help. No doubt we need to build schools there to solve this problem. Somehow cyber-warfare got some big bucks out of this even though it had nothing whatsoever to do with it: government will need to take over the Internet: and TSA will need to be unionized so that when all those TSA men are salivating over busty women at all airports with the new machines---they will not be fired...just moved into the Catholic church.

Fat people, will just stop flying, saving the planet.

Wow, what a great job.


Nobody Remembers: Romney

Nobody Remembers the fact that Mitt Romney actually spent $70 million dollars in his last presidential campaign win in just one state: Iowa.

Now, you have to ask yourself...if a man is willing to spend $70 million dollars to get a job that pays $400,000---is it because he is a patriot? Or does it mean that he (a billionaire) is likely to get a position where he will be able to triple his own fortune?

Actually, this nobody remembers just how shocked he looked when he didn't get the nomination, and in an oligarchy, you can understand why.


Friday, January 01, 2010

It Begins With a Dog...

NOBODY FLASHES: I watched the traditional American Rose Bowl Parade this morning and let me say; it was a sure indication of the new America. There were three big floats from China, (one with a lot of warriors, just to make sure we don't forget) One from Japan, one from Taiwan, and the other major floats, were from South America and Mexico.
Yes, the International Rose parade has fully arrived at last!
America was represented by lots and lots of people on horses, (hint, hint) and several floats commending black astronauts, black buffalo riders, and black WWII pilots. If Obama has done nothing else, he has put black history into the Rose Parade, big time. personal favorite.. was the snowboarding bulldogs. That's Tillman, the most famous one who started this all. Americans can have more fun than the rest of the world, and the proof is that our most famous contribution to the parade was a snowboarding dog.
Least anyone forget what we are truly here for, the world's entertainment.
I thought the parade was the most lame I've ever seen it. And while I enjoyed the marching band at the end of the parade, playing the Stars and Stripes forever, seeing a giant American flag being carried backwards and upside down, at the end of the parade...followed by an American Eagle---was upsetting to say the least.
Go get em Tillman!
Nobody Announces: Well, here it is, the first day of the new year has passed quickly in Asia, and just now on it's last lap here in Missouri, and I have a few comments to make about what I will be doing, hopefully, this year in regards to my little blog.
I will still be writing my usual Nobody's Opinion, Nobody's Perfect, Nobody Cares, Nobody Knows, and Nobody's Absurdities, and these will be a bit longer because, well, I just can't seem to shut myself up. between these, I will be putting up very short thoughts of just about anything under the sun...under the titles of Nobody Reports, Nobody Flashes, Nobody's Fool, and Nobody Remembers...
I know, with all this NOBODY business I'm sort of branding myself as the biggest NOBODY on the planet, but that's the idea.
Someday, I will sell TEE SHIRTS and all the nobodies on the planet can join together into one big nobody club!
Like Obama, I'm aiming for world domination!
Having said that, let it be known that have been forewarned.
Now, onto the business of saying my Nobody's Opinion, and I hope you will ALWAYS give me yours! A Toast! To all good spirits and Nobodies! Let our opinions begin....


Thursday, December 31, 2009

ARE WE READY? 2010!!

Nobody's Wishes Everybody a Happy New Year!!
Let's all Get Drunk*#
Wait, that's a country song...I'm not doing that anymore! (Singing old country songs...what did you think I meant?)
Okay, Let's all get drunk and have a better year than last year!
There...that's better.
Happy New Year to all my dear reading friends!
As Bob Dylan once sang...
"May you stay...forever young enough to remember why you are trying to stay young in the first place!"


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Nobody's Perfect: Janet VS Umar

Nobody’s Perfect:This is a week where everyone in the country, is just so ecstatic that some idiot cannot seem to put his explosive underwear on right.

Yes, Umar Farouk Abulmutallab gets the Nobody’s Perfect award for today, and very happily too, I might add.

Good thing for us, that all of Abdul’s perfectly rich London education, and very cushy banker’s son’s life, did not give him the sense of a goat in heat---not to mention…he goes through all that trouble to drive a jihadist attack into the very heart of American capitalism, by detonating a bomb over.....wait for it...


Thankfully, some brave nobodies came to the rescue and tackled the guy before he could explode something besides his own butt.

What an Al-Qaidic mastermind! Anyone who has been to Detroit might say he’s a bit too late. Yes, destroying Detroit with a plane is definitely going to bring down capitalism.

Maybe he was aiming for those new electric cars.

Any good conspiracy theorist worth their salt would claim that if you happened to be a President frantically searching for a way to save his failing Presidency, a plane crashing into that lost city of Detroit could be an opportunity to jump-start his FDR stimulus programs for rebuilding infrastructure.

I mean, it took thirteen hurricanes before they finally hit New Orleans and those weather modification efforts really paid off! All those thousands of FEMA trailers sitting around in empty lots just waiting for disasters were put to use. (Bill Clinton was PREPARED!) And with great success I might add...not one trailer has been foreclosed.

We all know that conspiracy theorists are completely ludicrous. No elected or unelected public servant in our America would ever dream of sacrificing a few citizens just to obtain a more “controlling” objective…no, that would NEVER happen.

Forget I mention it...Come to think of it, that may be why our other Nobody’s Perfect contender for the week thinks tea partiers are a danger to America! We really can think up the most annoying conspiracies.

I am talking about none other than Janet (be afraid of veterans) Napolitano.

On Sunday, our Director of Homeland Security (Janet) claimed to some CNN reporter named Candy (whom, by the very sound of her name we can assume must have sent ol Janet’s lesbian libido’s hormonal balance out of all sense of logic) that the--- system worked.

Yes, it worked because…all products STILL went out on Christmas day!

Let that one sink in----All products.

She then added (as a second thought) that the people were once again safe, until she realized that to say the system worked was about just an idiotic thing to say, as not putting your explosive underwear on correctly.

She immediately came back and said her comment was taking completely out of context and that the system failed miserably.

And this nobody can tell you why.

A whole shipment of “Surfer Obama” rubber dolls did not reach their various American Mall destinations until after Christmas. (Nobody Makes this stuff Up, but there IS a Surfer Obama doll.)

And with a mistake like that…we can only expect perfection from MS Napolitano from on.

Let's all go play golf in Hawaii...


Monday, December 28, 2009

The Gift of Knowledge

Nobody's Opinion: My Favorite Libraries
"My refuge was the Detroit Public Library. I started, it now seems to me, with the first book on the bottom shelf and went through the lot, one by one. I didn’t read a few books. I read the library.”

Thomas Edison -- The Diary and Observations

Can you imagine reading a whole Library? I can. There are fewer things in life more exciting than books to me. I can walk into any library on the earth and get heart palpitations. I want to take down every single one and read them all.

But here’s what you may not have known…Thomas Edison read the entire library of Detroit at the ripe old age of twelve. My love of a good book didn’t start until I read my mother’s edition of The Prince and the Pauper by Mark Twain…I was nine.

Ever since I entered the magical world of books, I have never left.

And that’s why I wanted to start off the year to tell you what I got for Christmas…my very own…library.

Like any good thing, it took years to build, and it holds mostly just reference books. I would need another whole room built for my other books.

And this library is very precious because it not only puts my books within fast reach, but hold fond memories from my family.

For instance, those yellow magazines you see in the middle shelves were a gift from a grandfather to his young granddaughter…a collection of National Geographic from the year 1956, and I have read every one. On the other side of King Tut is a set of Encyclopedia Britannica. (Grandpa again) And there on the top, my most prized possession of the Annals of America, found one day in a box at my local library, for free.

Tell me there isn’t a god.

There is also the complete works of Mark Twain, given to me by my mother who hated to read, but saw her own daughter’s love for it. It also contains her first copy of the Complete Works of Shakespeare. Lots of family bibles and almost all the other books were gotten from libraries for basically, only 10 cents a book.

And the Egyptian statues (two pictures on top) have a story…a reminder of the last years of my mother’s life.

Here’s the story:

In 2001, my mother finally passed away. And for years, I had taken care of her after my father died. By the time the hospital bills were all paid for, and her estate taken care of, I was left with a little over a thousand dollars.

The years of being my mother’s caretaker had taken quite a toll on me, (She was on a stomach pump, and paralyzed on one side) One day, just a few days after she died, I walked into a furniture store and saw those statues, and spent my mother’s last few remaining dollars.

“Someday, I’m going to built myself an Egyptian Library!” I announced boldly to the clerk. I knew I should have put away the money, but I was grieving--sorely. Besides, strange as it may seem, I felt I deserved it.

Here it is, nine years later, and my dream of having actual shelves for my books has come true. These are books that I have kept in closets and boxes for most of my life.

And…okay…forgive me. I sort of MADE my poor husband build it for me. Yes, I pushed him on it.

If you don’t build it now…then when? There is no more room in our closets! Inflation is coming…big time! We have to do it NOW! ”

So, we bought about $200 dollars worth of pine from Home Depot, cut up some old kitchen tables, bought a few lamps, and viola!

Like I said, there are few gifts in life as exciting to me as books and there are many libraries that I love. The famous John Adams library in Quincy, MA, is one. (Above) George Lucas’s library is to die for. Mark Twain had a wonderful ambiance to his library, where, while on a tour back in 2000, I almost broke a rare lamp. I was trying to read some of the titles of his books and my purse attacked it. If not for my quick reflexes, I might be still paying off the lamp, and never being able to afford another book again.

BUT…no longer do I have to eat dinner and stare at the face of King Tut in my kitchen. And now---finally---after all these years…I have my very own nobody library!

God, I feel like I just had a baby….

Have a cigar!