Saturday, April 04, 2009

Nobody Gives Thought to MND On a Saturday Night

Nobody's E-Mails on a Saturday Night:

-unless you're a nobody like me.

And since, due to politicians that should be sent out to sit on a lake while better men and women clean up their messes ( fat chance), I am like many Americans at the moment..."economically challenged" which means I can't afford a secretary to go through my e-mail.

Anyway...LAST Saturday night, I decided, by talking to myself, that Saturday nights were a good night not to blog anything...

Instead...I would put up a favorite e-mail from the week, just to share a thought or two.

This one was probably written by a man at MND...because I have to agree...women talk too waaaaaay too much. (Yes, it's a short joke about women talking too much.) Now, because I talk too much, I've spoiled the joke, which is why I can't tell jokes.

Anyway men...we can't help it. We are, as you know, wired that way.

I find the simple thoughts contained in this joke's philosophy, and millions of men all over the world I'm sure would agree, a basic problem...that I must admit, being a women, I have a LOT of trouble with, because I talk too much, I'm a typical women.

It pays to know your weaknesses. I read that somewhere, and it's never done me any good.

For women like seems the only cure, is for the man to something, else for awhile.

Hey, it works.

Anyway...have you noticed I can't stop talking? Has it dawned on my readers that that I just can't shut up? Why does this happen? Someone...pull my finger...go tell me.

There is always the 90/10 percent rule...sooner or later something really special will come out. There is that ten percent chance...sometimes, you never know...What's bad is that you have to sit through the 90 percent before you get to the good stuff.

For instance, today I was talking so much that my husband and I kept going over and over something that had happened in the store..."you walked over THERE, and I walked over HERE"

"Yeah, I just said that"

"I KNOW you just said that. I agree that you just said that.'

"You're not listening to me."

"That's because you're missing the whole point!"

"Remember, we just said that!?"

" I went left, and then you went right."

" I know, we just said that...this happened before you went right!"

"I went to look for a flashlight bulb"

"Well, how was I to know what you were doing. Did you say, "Hey, maybe I can find a flashlight bulb?"

"I can't read your mind."

"Well, it's always my fault. "

" No it's MY fault."

So...if this sounds familiar, give yourself a beer, because it's been going on since Cleopatra told Anthony to park the boats on the right, and the whole fleet was burned. Leaving her to die in some old tomb by snakebite.

Frankly, I don't believe that story, but there you go.

Okay FINALLY...the e-mail:

Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, drinking beer, when suddenly Sven says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'Ole sips his beer and says,

'Better think it over... ........women like that are hard to find.'

And there I go...I ruined it for you...a man would have just posted the picture and got on with his life...

Let this be a lesson.

Nobody Says: Don't sweat the small talk.
When a woman stops talking, THEN you're in trouble.

But then, you already knew that....yaya, ya da da da....


Friday, April 03, 2009

Nobody Flashes Ping-Pong Tables

Nobody Flashes on a Friday Night:

I'm Spring cleaning. It's something my mother did, and her mother before her, and her mother before her, all the way back to the mud huts of Prussia. Or maybe even Rome, I'm not sure.

Anyway, you HAVE to wash your walls down, or you didn't do it right.

Tomorrow, I am going to clean my ping-pong table. I have a ping-pong table that's over thirty years old.

I think I'm going to paint it black, and eat all my meals on it, like this rich couple.

Come on...tell me someone did NOT pay for this table. And then had burgers in a suit and tie. As IF eating on a ping-pong table is going to make you want to buy it.

Do they do this in China? Somebody help me out here.

What planet are we on again?

Well, what can you expect. It's a New World Order, and we'd better all get use to eating our food on our old ping-pong tables I guess...because soon, it will be mandatory that you invite someone who isn't as fortunate as you over to dinner, and you'd better have that ping-pong table ready.

I'm putting this important possession right up there with getting myself new curlers. I want to look my best when my first "comrade" comes over.


Thursday, April 02, 2009

It's the NWO of Hopelessness

Nobody Wins:

Boy, are we F-&%$#$ked.

Obama laughing it up with Commies.

America going under the knife of commies.

And all the Conservatives and radio talk show hosts can do is talk about 2010...They think that Jeb Bush will come back and save the day!

"BOY, we'll get em' then."

By 2010, it will be too late.


And to celebrate, we will get a new American Quarter with George Washington in Spanish!

Many are jumping ship. But the rest of us either have to get off the couch and fight...or accept that America, has been taken over by the "elite Marxists" call them whatever you want.

And many of us, will never get off the couch, after the high tax on cigarettes, dope will be cheaper.

Some of us will move to Texas, or hiding. But one thing is sure...if we don't fight for our own freedoms...then they will soon be all gone.

Mr. Adams? Calling Mr. Adams. Calling Mr. Adams...please send us some help.


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Helicopter Hotel, I-Pods, and Lipstick on a Pig

Nobody Cares: I would not be surprised if more than a few of these babies are parked secretly somewhere near London tonight.

Why rent a hotel room, when you can have your own flying hotel, complete with spa, yoga classes, and a tea garden...where you can go to relax with a cup of your favorite tea, and laugh about how you just put your arm around the Queen of England, and the old girl could not do a thing about it?

Or, you can spend time in the entertainment area, and talk about how the whole Congress is going to be wanting their very own transformed Soviet Mil V-12, because staying at the office is just not feasible anymore. Nancy of course, is first in line.

Now, I'm NOT saying that Obama has one of these...but give him time. For all the expense he causes the American people, it's no wonder he only gives the Queen an I-Pod.

I don't know about you, but for a man to give the Queen of England such a cheap gift as an I-Pod, when he spends millions on his own luxury, not to mention, loading the American people with future debts we can never repay...

Well, let's just say "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig."

In this case, it's true.

Or, in this Nobody's Opinion: "Trash is trash, black or white."


Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Nobody's Opinion

Who Would you water-board: Barney Frank or Mr. Sarkozy?
Barney Frank, because you would find out if he also lisps when he gags.
Mr. Sarkozy, because you'd like to see his wife scream.
Water-boarding is not the answer to France
All Anglo-Saxons should invade France and just end water-boarding.
Water-boarding with Beer and Wine could solve all problems in the world.
Let's just invade France and get it over with. free polls

Water-Boarding Anglo-Saxons

Nobody Knows: There was much disturbance in the G20 meetings recently, when Mr. Sarkozy, the newly elected French leader who, not too long ago, adored President George W. Bush so much, he rented a cabin next to the Bush’s compound up in Maine, just so that he could party with the Bush’s on his James Bondest speedboats, no doubt paid for by the American people.

But not anymore. He has released the derisive news that he thinks the world’s problems have all been caused by those mean and cruel…Anglo-Saxons. Evidently he is trying to get in good with OUR newly elected African-American, President. (Who secretly is half Anglo-Saxon.)

He is also probably trying to gain a few points with Iran, now that he has found out that our newly elected African President will not protect France anymore.

This is unlike the behavior of Anglo-Saxons who, by the way, saved the very country he is now lucky enough to be ruling, quite some time ago.

On the other hand, the Jews, upon hearing this news, can now finally get some well deserved release from always being the hated race.

Anglospherephobia (fear of Anglo-Saxons) is spreading like wildfire. And I’m here to tell you…we must be careful because…we... are being water-boarded.

Yes, it’s true. I’m an Anglo-Saxon, with blue eyes, and my ancestors are from Wales originally, and I have been water- boarded.

Don’t laugh, I almost drowned.

It happened at my local hospital. My doctor said it was an easy procedure. He was just going to put a camera down into my lungs and…look around. In fact, he said I could watch the TV monitor TOO! Well, heck--- I wanted to see what my lungs looked like, I thought---WHAT fun!

My doctor was kind. Unlike some water-boarding, the doctor drugs you so that you don’t swallow his expensive camera.

There I was…watching the trip of the camera down my throat…

I confess…I confess!”

We are now passing the thorax--- there’s your great divide!” said my doctor.

(Okay, I can’t remember the word he used, but let’s just say there’s a fork in the road, and one goes to the stomach, the other goes to the lungs. God, likes those kind of things, that’s why he designed nipples.)

Then we got to my lungs…and they were pink!

Wow, nice and pink and healthy! Just like they should be!” Said the doctor

I wanted to ask him why he sounded so surprised. Did I look like an ex-hippy who had smoked just too many joints to him? Do other people’s lungs look horrible?

But, I couldn’t talk.

Then, it happened. He started spraying water in my lungs, and I started to gag…drugs or no drugs, I think I left deep impressions on the handle chair.

NO FAIR! The camera had a hose on it, and with the flick of a finger, he was sprinkling me like he was watering his pegonias in his backyard.

He didn’t tell me he was going to torture me.

I couldn’t breathe. I actually didn’t think I would live. I had NO control.

Yes, I know, you can’t breathe, you’re gagging, it’s normal.”

He had to spray me over six times…by the sixth time, I looked up at him like…
“Are you enjoying this?”

I was also thinking…”How many guys have gotten up and punched him in the nose?”

But, being the brave Anglo-Saxon that I am, (We are a brave lot you know.) I withstood the torture with great dignity. I pretended I was just having a root canal.

Yes, I was technically, water-boarded. I know what it feels like. And I’m sure, all over this country, many thousands of Anglo Saxons are being water- boarded in hospitals all over the country, every single day.

In this case, it can save lives. In the other cases, it has save lives, according to ones who know.

I lived through my water-boarding…and I was thinking. If I had to choose between suffering an hour of water-boarding, or knowing that my family, my life’s saving, and my beloved country would no longer exist?

I would choose water-boarding, no contest. Not even close.

That’s the Anglo-Saxon in me.

So, Mr. Sarkozy? How about you?

Now, having said that, since many people all over the world, coming out of the closet and blaming all Anglo-Saxons for the mess that has ruined the world, I decided to ask you to take a survey…

If you had to choose between water boarding Barney Franks, or Mr. Sarkosky…who would you pick?


Monday, March 30, 2009

Peacocks Aren't Perfect

Nobody Perfect: It's official...the Peacocks are here.
Today, for the first time in American History, a President of the United States took over one of our biggest corporations, fired the CEO, and demanded that from now on, all companies and people in the United States will go by HIS command.
Okay, so he didn't exactly get to the rest of us yet, but he will.
So, therefore, Michelle is definitely going to need an upgrade from her "Blood-Stain of the Slaves" nomination dress, to this newest royal cascade fit for a Peacock Queen, married to the Biggest Peacock King ever graced the face of the to Napoleon...made of course from thousands of peacocks feathers.
Peta won't care. Peacocks are not on their list!
Frankly, I can't WAIT to see her in this.
Then, I suggest that for her visit to Africa, she wear this $30 million dollar dress, made up entirely of diamonds, where she can show off her very fine arms and armpits. Show the world that the United States is just fine, thank you very much. And also that she supports the fine efforts that the Africans are doing digging all day the heat...just for her.
Africans need jobs too you know, it's all part of the Obama Peacock plan.
And last, but not least, when she finally gets back to her Kingdom, the citizens request that we get to see her in this very chic, hot off the Paris runway...Vampire dress!
Because, sometimes, you just have to be honest, Michelle. How else are we going to trust you?
I suggest getting the girls matching vampire outfits too, that would be adorable.
As for Dad? Well, a peacock robe...for those special nights on the town!
And as a special gesture of thanks....send that old dress to the CEO's of AIG.
It's the least you can do.
If you are reading this: it did not post...go to to see it....


Sunday, March 29, 2009

My "Peanut Butter Will Save the World" Conspiracy

Nobody’s Opinion: Remember the Mel Gibson’s movie Conspiracy Theory? Where Mel played an x-CIA gook named Jerry, who had been trained to be an assassin, and was sent to kill Julia Robert’s Dad, who was a judge, but he didn’t because he saw her as a little girl, and changed his mind?

Remember, everyone thought he was a nut?

What does this have to do with peanut butter, you might ask?

Well, if you have a fine conspiratorial mind such as mine, plenty.

Here we--- (or just let me go there myself, you read and laugh, or spit, whatever, pick at that hangnail…) go

Last week, on Fox News, Machio Kaku (the ice-skating, physicist) reported that IF the United States was just passed by a huge comet, it COULD play havoc with the Earth’s magnetic systems. All electrical grids would shut down. Cars, computers, hairdryers, stoves, Nintendo games, and also my brand new sonic-electric toothbrush which I am sure is making my teeth rot faster…everything will just stop cold. And most upsetting of all…our sewer systems would all stop working.

I have trouble picking up after my dogs.

Machio said it might take years for the United States to recover. This was very upsetting coming from the professor, because in my conspiratorial mind…he only talked about the United States, as if we would be the only ones affected, which of course, is not exactly very scientific thinking coming from such a giant of scientific thinking, therefore...the...what?

While he was saying this, Michelle Obama was planting crops in the White House lawn.

Okay, fast forward a few days to the Sci- Fi cable channel, the only channel where the earth is destroyed every other second just to entertain us. Saturday they ran three doomsday movies in a row…and in every movie everybody, ran to hide underground.

Hmmmm…Have you noticed the History Channel has been having a whole series of programs telling you where ALL the underground tunnels and caves on the earth are?

Have you also noticed that none of them have peanut butter?

Anyway, the third and biggest Sci-Fi movie called Polar Storm, as if right on a Kaku cue, was a movie about a comet hitting the earth and causing a polar magnetic reversal. Pretty heavy stuff, but once again…all electronics shut down. The earth would be destroyed.

If you have a pace-maker, you will have to rip it out.

So, it’s Sunday, and tonight we read that Obama is taking every single person that works for his government to England. All 200,000 of them. All his favorite people are going, along with 200 bodyguards, and bullet-proof everything..just in case he isn’t as popular as he thinks.

Michelle is taking eight helpers just for her alone. They are also taking ALL the kitchen cooks, their hairdressers, their…many helicopters, Camp David, and probably Stevie Wonder, and Stevie Wonder's hairdresser, cause God knows---he needs one.

Now, stay with me…last week, we had seventeen Navy battleships waiting to shoot down N. Korea’s innocent satellite shot into the sky. Iran can now make the same shot.

And today, I found out that my favorite meal at Red Lobster went up twelve dollars! I thought I was in New York. I was waiting for Frank Sinatra to start singing, at my table.

Sorry, (that has nothing to do with peanut butter.)

So, think of how my conspiracy took hold tonight when I read that Newt Gingrich thinks that we are in grave danger of Iran or N. Korea launching a nuclear attack, above the United States, causing an EMP blackout…which would knock out everything, but leave the buildings intact, so that we could still grow our Michelle gardens.

But millions of us would die because we could not get food.

Now..., here it is....
My "Peanut Butter Will Save The World" Conspiracy Theory

Peanut butter just took a BIG hit. A factory here in the United States knowingly let a big bad infected patch of it get out, lots of people got sick, and way too many died of food poisoning. We all threw out our peanut butter.

And what do people buy the most of and store for emergencies?

You got it…peanut butter.

The G-20 has a lot of members who think that the planet is crowded. So, if the United States gets hit by an EMP, Machio Kaku could come on Fox and say it was a comet, not Iran or North Korea that hit us, so that Americans would not panic or get angry at Bill Clinton for giving them that technology in the first place…

Wait--- nobody knows that. (*Unless you're one that keeps up on these things...)

Millions would die, saving our government lots of money, and therefore all this spending means nothing…because, no one will have to pay back anything, we’ll be destroyed!

But if you can find a tunnel, with some safe peanut butter, you might survive to grow Michelle’s garden.

Now…wasn’t that a lot more fun than listening to Geithner say one more time how great everything was going to be someday?

As I write this, I believe Secretary Geithner is still in the United States. Seems Obama left him here.

I hope he has lots of peanut butter saved up.