Saturday, January 01, 2011

Nobody's Perfect Surgury

Nobody's Perfect:

Since I overworked myself yesterday...I'm keeping this short.

The reason I took such a long break last year was due to the fact that I went undercover as a secret CIA agent and rescued James Bond from the Queen of England, and the last remaining ashes of King Tut the 22th from being thrown into the Thames.

No...of course I didn't.

I had my "gallbladder" removed, because, it was told to me by just about five doctors, that I had a HUGE gallstone that would someday blow up inside me, destroy the planet Krypton, and make me a prime candidate for the next FINAL DESTINATION sequel, If I did not have it removed, I would someday pass out on a table, and out would jump...most of my intestines, a little monster dancing with a top hat and cane, and the marble I swallowed when I was three.

So, there I was in June (see picture of me in tree) not feeling too well, and by the time November came, it was decided that I did NOT have an ulcer, but a giant...gallstone. Too big to pass.

"Oh forget it, that will NOT move."

My itty- bitty doctor, (she weights all of 101 pounds) who had hers taken out many years ago...assured me that in four days she was back on the treadmill, looking beautiful.

Easy for her to say.

Now, before you make the mistake of thinking that obesity is the cause of GALLSTONES...I hate to break it to you. The people of India, a land of probably the most skinniest people on the planet, suffer immensely from gallstones.

Okay, I eat one cookie a day. Just one. What? Is that what made this abomination that is killing me?

The doctor laughed when his nurse told him I was the skinniest gallbladder patient this year...and it was December.

Anyway...I was hesitant, but it hurt when I ate, no matter what I ate. Sometimes the pain was pretty intense.

I had a plan. I'd just stop eating. No problem. I'd save a bunch of money.

I also did research. I asked women in the grocery lines, in the library, at the mall, just about
everywhere I stood, I would turn and say to the nearest women: "I have a gallstone...and they want to CUT IT OUT!"

"Oh, I had mine removed...I had three the size of golf balls."

"Yes, me too. And they don't tell have to pee a lot afterwards"

"Me too. My husband too. My sister had hers removed...and my cousin.."

You name it. NOBODY had their gallbladders, anymore. Well, if the whole world can do it...then so can I. So I did.

And this is what they do. They puncture three big holes in your belly, blow you up like a big balloon, push a bunch of clippers and camera's down through your belly button, clip off your gallbladder from your liver, and PULL it out through your belly button, sew you up with five stitches, throw you in a room for a few hours, pump a bit of morphine into your veins, and by dinner time, you walk out, after telling your roommate what a nice family she has, and your nurse to not ever go back to that crummy boyfriend who beat her up ..

The only thing they really don't tell you , is that within about three days your body goes--

"WHOA! Something is missing here! Where IS that guy! Bring him BACK!."

And your stomach swells up pretty much like a basketball, and protests, and tells you not to move too suddenly.

Right now, I'm in the "Tornado coming? Oh...let's have popcorn." stage of recovery.

The very fun part is: The pictures. My doctor came right out of surgery and handed these to my husband...(see globs of my insides) If YOU can tell me what that is: let me know.

But, besides all of that, this does bother me:

Why can't I have a nice picture of, for instance, a beautiful reindeer dancing through my veins instead of: a gallbladder that looks like either a penis, or a little white man from the planet "oh my god."

Okay, I'm going to say it.

I've think I've been circumcised.

Somewhere my poor little gallbladder is going... Why? Why? Why did you do this to me?

I can only say.."Like many things in life my little gallbladder...Nobody really knows."


Friday, December 31, 2010

The Crapulations of 2010

Nobody's Opinion;

Wow...was this a crapulous year or what?

It started out crummy. While we watched the devastation of Haiti on our cable networks, we escaped to our movie theaters and were thrown into a jungle of the floating blue 3-D puffy weeds of a fictional fantasy called Avatar. Most of us were ready to crown James Cameron the King of all cinema until he made his big speeches about global warming, and how we are all destroying the planet. Al Gore's message had been disguised as a magical wonderment of going back to nature, while looking at a nice piece of tail.

Poor James was disappointed when he released it one again later to a, "I'm freezing here--- go fly a kite, James." audience.

Haiti was on TV for so long...even I started to look for a tent. And then..when things just didn't get any better, after 300,000 dead bodies, disappeared. It seems, getting the fallen concrete OFF the island is going to take some time, like about two centuries. Haiti remains...the poorest country in the world, where most of the richest go and get really good PR. Once again, the millions of dollars donated, did NOT get there.


I'm not. We had Apple products to buy, Facebook Friends to answer, and food stamps to redeem.

And a country being destroyed here at home.

By the time Helen Thomas told the Jews off, we were happy to see a truck-driving Scott Brown take over the long held Democratic Senate seat in Massachusetts. It didn't matter that he turned out to be a Rhino..he was cute.

Beware of men driving pick-ups and talking trash. For that matter, beware of men driving limo's and talking trash.

Okay...beware of men talking trash, filled with crapulous vernaculars overflowing with hope and change, and Universal Health Care---and your mother should just...die, bless her heart.

Sandra Bullock came into the year with a movie about a 'rich' white woman raising a poor black teenager, and loved her role so much, she dumped her Jesse James and adopted a black baby.
For that, she was declared woman of the

Hell, I don't know. I thought Sarah Palin was woman of the year for getting all those Republicans elected instead of lynched, but that's me.

By May we had Greek riots, which were fun to watch, UNTILL...BP blew up an oil well in the Gulf of Mexico, and THEN we had 24/7 continuous feed on the millions of gallons of oil being spilled out into the gulf, destroying life as we know it. We got to watch another President stand by for days, playing golf while thousands of self- employed Americans lost their life savings and work, and more got fired when the President decided it was simply the best of times to end all oil drilling.

Not that they talked about it much. Obama dragged himself down there to visit with Jimmy Buffet, had an ice cream, said he was going to put his boot on some heads, and all was forgiven; all but the BP executive who wanted to get back to his yacht.

He was last seen...on his yacht, and reports are...he now lives there, wearing very pretty new boots made in Spain, given to him by some fan named Michelle.

So, unemployment grew at such a pace, we now have a whole new American industry: manufacturing unemployment checks. This has put many people to work-- thank goodness---just in time too.

In the meantime, producing stimulus checks also put many people to work: manufacturing stimulus checks.

All this stimulation got lots of people really stimulated about a lady named Gaga.

Around June, Gaga Lady wearing meat was on many minds. And some, had her on their menu minds. We watched a perfectly good general get fired, over a Rolling Stone magazine article, only to be replaced by a general who declares we must stay in Afghanistan for at least another 10,000 years, give or take a few minerals...I mean...poppy-field yields, damn the cost.

In June, some Elvis looking Senator named Blago (due to the fact that his real name is much too long to bother with) got on Trumps' show, to sell Harry Potter's new theme park, which of course, had thousands standing in line for over 12 hours on opening day, just to find out...Harry is NOT real. Blago had about as much luck on Trumps show as he did trying to sell Obama's Senate seat.

And that's why everyone loves him. We Americans truly love the underdog...even if he is a big-time Chicago thug. As compared to that other KING of crapulence...Rahm Emanuel, he was a breath of honest fresh air.

"I could a been a contender." said Blago.

He should run for mayor...Blago VS Rahm--May the best fish win.

July came, and Obama declared war on Arizona, who had declared war on the illegal aliens. Obama forgot to declare war on the drug lords, who have buried so many heads in the sands of Arizona the Mafia wants to sue them for property rights.

Obama, wants to keep HIS fingers, so he is suing Joe Arpeggio.

Who needs desert anyway? The camels are not here...yet...the Saudi's are still holding camel beauty contests and are VERY attached to them. Soon---Soon.

The birthers kept marching....(People who believe that Obama is an imposter) and it was finally discovered by this nobody that (reported here first) Obama is actually the reincarnation of Muhammad's horse....the one he rose from the temple mount and flew into the Allah sky...who's name is Al-buraq.

That's why he loves to play golf...all that grass. He plans to be there when Allah returns to him, around the 18th hole, ready to transform into Allah's trusted steed.

This is expected to happen around 2012 elections.

In between golf swings, Obama made it legal to kill whales again, along with Fox news.
Tiger Woods fell off his very high pedestal, along with Mel Gibson, who nobody knew was deprived of blow jobs, but we now know it all too well. Too bad he didn't hang out with Tiger. In his next movie, he holds a therapy puppet...(a beaver!) where he will no doubt talk to Tiger's mistresses and ask them for blowing beaver favors.

(Sorry, one must retain a sense of...blowing beavers humor, at any cost.)

Moving July, Elena Kagan was appointed to the Supreme Court to go with last year's Obama's appointed puppet, Sonia (Latinos are better!) Stotomayor--- covering gays and Latinos rights. 'Don't ask don't tell now' has been thrown out by the 111th crapulous copulating Congress so that neither one of them had to vote on it.

All I can say is: Seal Teams...keep your wet suits on.

NASA...was pretty much...sold to the highest bidder, along with the Start Treaty and the right to defend ourselves against an attack.

Old astronauts complained, but Obama did NOT invite them for beers.

This was rude, and some may say...racist...but Al Sharpton did not comment, so we really can't be sure.

In August, Michelle went to Spain, along with 50 friends, and Obama played more golf than the head of the PGA. While they were eating and throwing lavish parties, the American people stopped eating eggs. And Paul McCartney was given about ten awards, after he declared the Obama's the best people, next to his deceased wife's veggie pies.

And speaking of food, we all got food poisoning from government eggs. When you have a monopoly of eggs, you can't pick and choose your salmonella.

By the time September rolled around, Obama decided a Mosque next to ground zero was a good thing. Health Care, a 4,566,304,394 page bill nobody read, ---because no one wants to be the one to condemned millions of people to die off... was passed. Nancy Pelosi carried a big gavel up to the steps of the capital that famous day to make sure no one read it. She stole that gavel from an old negro slave, but had to wretch it out of Hillary Clinton's cold, dead hands.

It is now on display in the new ladies Senate bathroom.

As the year passed, our government announced the new terrorists were called...the Tea Party. These dangerous people went to Washington at Glenn Beck's beck and call, to pray with Martin Luther King. Every single one of them really wanted to take back the WHITE house, but Glenn held them back.

And sold them all books.

The tea party was declared a national security worry. So, more camera were put up, more stimulus given out, free for clunkers, and by the time all the money was spent, no one knew just where trillions and trillions and trillions and gazillions of taxpayers' dollars went.

'President' Obama said: the banks were hoarding money, but most of it was found in Charlie Rangel's ice box. The Senate HAD to do something, so they put him on TV for days.

Bill Clinton lost a lot of weight to see his daughter get married. She married a fine Jewish boy, probably introduced to her by Steven Spielberg, who is writing the next decade agenda for the Democrats.

Autumn set in, and Obama, went to India and took every CEO on the planet with him. The debt of Obama's travel alone, will put China in Washington by 2012. Mao is welcomed on the White House Christmas tree. He sent us all a nice hello missile off the state of California. Just a friendly..."Hello." He did this while the g-20 was meeting in South Korea...and so North Korea launched a few missiles of their own, in response and good Chinese co-operation.

As the year flew by, the Obama's and their Congress buddies, looked up and went:":Oh my...the year is almost gone!" And Obama decided to make Michelle tell us all that the state is taking charge of all the little children and what they eat.

San Francisco, declared war on McDonalds. The Mayor of New York banned salt, and snow blows: his next more fat people. All the people will have to bike to work, and be fined for every ounce of fat on their bodies. If he becomes President...all fat people will be mandated to shovel snow until they lose weight.

By the time November elections came around, there was an unprecedented takeover by Republicans---so much so, that George Bush, Daddy Bush, and Jeb Bush came out from behind the Iron Momma Bush Curtain and spread great Bush cheer everywhere. Ronald Reagan was also resurrected, and will be in the New Years Day Rose parade, where he is expected to jump upon a California Palomino and proclaim "Jeb Bush in 2012!"

Obama is also reading about Reagan...getting ready to claim just how smart he was.

In December, Janet Napolitano, being the sexually deprived woman as she clearly is, decided to sexually harassed us all at airports, and in the end, Obama is still determined to make us into a Muslim loving communist country.

Sorry Mr. O'Reilly, most of us are sick of being fair and balanced.

So, now as 1.1. 11 approaches, what do we have to say for ourselves?

I have a confession: every year, I used to buy those Time Magazines "end of the year" issues. I loved those issues. The pictures, the memories. The passage of my life as experienced in the whole of one book.

I stopped buying those books after young Kennedy was killed...I say killed because, due to the fact that the powerful and rich deal in the trillions of dollars, your best bet is the conspiracy.

Start there and go backward, I say.

After all, someone did kill his father. Most think it was LBJ with help of Mafia. We can only speculate, with crapulous intentions.

But that now, seems irrelevant, in the mist of the 111th Congressional destruction. Ted Kennedy is dead, leaving behind memories of a dynasty waiting to be filled with more copulas crapola

Tonight, I tried to find some kind of year end summary on the internet...And when I went to my own archives at Townhall...the whole year of my own political writings...from 2010, were...gone. Couldn't be found.

Can't say I'm surprised.

So, how do I feel tonight...on the cusp of the biggest crapulous copulating Congress ever known to man?

I don't know. I'm watching Sarah Palin set herself up to run for office. She, like George Bush Jr., and Scott Brown, before her, are going full gang busters to present themselves as the true grit, the real deal, the woman who loves America.

And we will vote for her, if she runs.

Let's hope, if she is the next President, she stays herself.

Last year, we saw a huge overturn of the America we all love. Millions lost jobs, while we were forced to give trillions to multinationals bankers and companies. Whole cities are being forced into the dustbin forever. The world went into a collapse that has never been seen in history: like domino's they fall.

We have a President who by all accounts, is a stranger in a strange land. Mostly, he parities. And reads a teleprompter...and bows to kings, and puts us all in danger, begging for the end of the America we all love.

The two biggest horrors were the condemnation of over 70 million baby boomers to a death sentence in later life. Sorry...folks.

Bush pushed the ball rolling with the first stimulus, and Obama just kept it going. It's as if they know the agenda, and don't give a fig on how much they spent.

My brother, the most successful person in our family, exclaimed at Christmas dinner "We are now a third world country"

Nobody said a thing.

I fatherless child.

BUT.. in the darkest hour of the last remains of a country that our elite politicians have destroyed while making themselves rich--- there is hope.

There is always...hope.

One man, told us to come to Washington, and we did. Glenn Beck should have been Time's man of the year...not Facebook. Glenn Beck got a nation going and back to the booth...and it was the men who turned around the elections in November.

Not the women. The men...are coming back. It might take them some time.

But, they will.

Too many people love this give it up without a fight.

We dance to the music of time. We dance to our own survival.

We are the ones who can say, " WILL not destroy my hopes, my dreams, my destiny.

You...oh crapulous 111th Congress and Obama destroyer, will pass, into the lost memory of our history books.

It's only a matter of ....a few more years of crapulous time.