Nobody's Absurdities, No. 53---Nightmare On Pennysylvania Ave.

Here we are, at the start of September, with the feeling of Halloween right around the corner---and it seems fitting that the absurdities all around us are starting to look like a SAW III movie. American citizens are being cut up, sectioned off, electrocuted, and stuffed into some burning Dante basement, where they are forever condemned to listen to republican and democratic politicians pandering for the conservative vote until eternity, or the return of Michael Myers for the fifty-third time.

We might as well hand our politicians the bloody saw, and take our chances with Freddy Kruger.

So, here are some absurdities for this rainy September day.

Hey…if I’m gloomy, what do you expect? I report what I see.

It’s a nightmare.

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We kick off with Bill and Hillary Clinton “floating” lots of suggestions out there on all the talk shows, looking for some kind of constitutionally approved legal position for Bill Clinton to hold in Hillary’s upcoming reign of socialist terror. Remember, they’re still lawyers.

Secretary of Defense? Vice President? Advisor to the President? First Laddie of the Order of the Scottish Kings of corruption and debauchery?

Here’s the absurdity. Bill said: “I just don’t believe it’s consistent with the spirit of the Constitution for someone who’s been president twice to be elected vice president. I don’t think its right, and I wouldn’t want to do that …That’s just not in the cards.”

What? Are you laughing or bleeding?

Our nation’s founders would have visions of horrific proportions at even the suggestion of a former president running for the office again, under the dress (in this case pants) of his co- partnered wife.

Somewhere, they would have put in the Constitution, “No man who has served two terms as President can run his wife for the office to get back in power.”

The fact that no one anywhere has even questioned this insanity, can put a normal person into, “Where’s the exit?” overdrive.

Hey, razors are on sale at you local drugstore...and while you’re there, get a flu shot.

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After the Republican debate last night on Fox, I was reaching for bandages.

Questions were being thrown out, not from a dispassionate reporter, but from some guy (Chris Wallace) seemingly full of so much hatred, that his bullets of political accusations were enough to tear through chunks of flesh and bone.

This was quite a different format from the cuddly Snowmen questions on the last, You be in the Tube, democratic debates.

My blood started gushing again when a Fox News reporter, reported that John McCain won the debate hands down, according to a roomful of New Hampshire citizens.

Everyone in that room was thereby given the chance to knife the other republican contestants who did not happen to be the wonderful John McCain.

How in the world did these “conservatives” picked John McCain as the clear winner of the debate? A demented voice from nowhere said, “I’m bleeding and I can’t get up.”

Could Fox news be putting out propaganda to influence the election for Hillary Clinton?

After all, Rupert Murdoch has met with Hillary more times than Bill Clinton met with the head of the CIA. McCain is the only man who would probably lose against Hillary.

Where’s my Afghanistan morphine?

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You’re in a room, and there is a maniac approaching you. Look twice---it could be Mexican President, Felipe Calderon, who now says that wherever a Mexican lives, there is Mexico.

You are looking for an escape. Where are our leaders? Homeland Security? How about a United States Senator carrying a big gun? Where’s the President? Where is Rambo Hillary?

They are like us, watching the important news that Larry Birkhead is in love with Howard K. Stern. They are also watching about two hundred programs on why Princess Diana was not murdered, and the twin towers fell naturally.

Pick your poison. If you can manage to duck that illegal immigrant on your property demanding your house, look over your other shoulder. The IRS will be right behind you with a bed of nails.

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The New American House of Wax, according to the news today, will be attacked again on September 11, 2007. Our President is on TV looking like a whipped schoolboy sitting next to Hu Jintao, the Chinese President, in Australia.

Hillary’s universal health care will be here in time for Halloween. So, have an aspirin…it’s all she will have to offer.

Nobody's Absurdities, No. 37

Nobody’s Opinion; You never know what your thoughts are going to be on George Washington’s real birthday. The man whose birthday was changed officially by President Bill Clinton to be called President’s Day instead, so that you would forget the first President and remember all the rest, hopefully him first and foremost.

Last year, Bill Clinton was almost last on the poll of Most Popular Presidents. This year Bill Clinton was voted the 4th most popular.

I can’t imagine what he did in one year to take such a leap, can you?

But on February 22nd, it was the real hero, President George Washington that I started off thinking about.

However with one push of the button, I was thrust into the real world… the real world where absurdities abound.

We had a judge crying, two democratic politicians fighting, Iran salivating, and on a personal note, my dog’s rabies vaccine cost more than a high priced meal at the most expensive restaurant in town.

Socialism comes to your local vet. Next year I’m going out to eat and keeping her in the yard.

So, here in real time Technicolor absurdities are a few thoughts from this week.

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Top of the list of course was the soap opera entertainment of who was going to get the deflated remains, being held together by inflated boobs: the body of Anna Nicole Smith.

Actually, after watching the movie RV tonight with Robin Williams, I am convinced that Larry Seidlin, the judge, should forget being a judge, and become a movie star comedian.

This movie was so bad that it seem to give the courtroom of Larry Seidlin Oscar potential. Larry was certainly more entertaining than Robin Williams trying to do a conservative family movie.

No wonder he was in rehab.

We had Anna’s mother who, although she kept making jokes about how fat she was in various pictures of her life, had not seen her daughter in years, but knew she wanted to be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

An old boyfriend who started out sincere, and lamented about the slimy lawyer who kept her in drugs, also admitted she wanted to be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

The slimy lawyer, who buried the son, found a long forgotten non-legal will: was present suspiciously at two deaths, also said she wanted to be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

But her son was NOT buried next to Marilyn Monroe.

Nobody wanted to spend the money to move HIS body.

So the wise judge cried and cried…everyone noting he is the only one crying in the courtroom, and says…why, the 5-month old daughter gets her body!

Forget what Anna Nicole wanted!

There!

So the guardian of the 5-month old daughter says he will take Anna back to the Bahamas, AFTER the judge says he wants to see Nicole in the Bahamas.

The funniest part of this whole thing (besides the hilarious moment when the Judge talked about woman jailers not getting paid in Texas, putting in some woman’s lib time, and how good he looks in tennis shorts) was that the Judge wanted to do right by the little daughter.

So right, that finding out who the real father was, was pushed aside.

In the end, little Dannielynn got screwed all around because Howard the lawyer will make sure that the boyfriend will never get near her little cheeks for that paternity test, and unless she grows up to be smarter than her mother…she will also be on drugs, due to the loving care of Howard Stern, who will probably get her a boob job by the time she is eleven.

Right now, she is in the loving protection of the ministry of the government officials of the Bahamas.

Where Bill and Hillary just bought a home.

I’m waiting for the millions to somehow get into the hands of Hillary’s campaign fund.

After all, why else would the Supreme Court hear this absurd case, and refuse others of so much more importance?

Okay, leave me alone---Makes sense to me.

And another thought…remember when the war in Lebanon was going badly? We got a week of Jon-Benet!

The Iraq war is going badly, so we got a week of Judge Seidlin’s passion play.

Why is it when the United States is losing somewhere in the world, we get passion plays on our television?

Coincidence?

One thing that you can be sure of--- Hillary Clinton was probably glad of the distraction.

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And speaking of the old gal, if the governor of, I believe it was North Carolina, had not come out and said that Obama was a citizen of the World, this Obama/Hillary fight would have been more joyful.

I just hate it when they push that “citizen of the world crap down our throats.”

For the first time in their history, Clinton’s loyal fans have turned on them. The money from the Spielberg’s and all their Hollywood friends, have turned on them.

Okay, maybe the Rogue Jew can explain to me why the powerful Jews in Hollywood embrace a man like Barack.

Nevertheless, for Hillary to demand that Obama give back the money he received from Hollywood, and apologize for calling the Clinton’s liars, when he didn’t even speak, goes to show that the Clinton’s are either confident of a secret none of the rest of us are privy too, or just getting too sloppy.

It happens to serial killers too. When they get too cocky, they get caught.

You see, the Clinton’s do this ALL the time. THEY never attack; they have their buddies do it. So they just figured it was Obama behind the attack.

Hillary is having a feminist moment. Maybe she needs a vacation to that new island off of Iran, where all women can go and let lose their inhibitions.

Get rid of the pants suits and get a burka: after all she is competing with a man named Obama, .Osama, Hussein, Barack; --- I’m really a Catholic, from Hawaii, black man.

She needs like Madonna, reinvent herself. Maybe put on some pointy boobs.

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And speaking of Iran, most of the liberals here in the United States agree that it’s only fair that Iran have nukes just like us!

After all, we have them. The fact that Iran plans to use the nukes to bomb first Israel, and then us, off the face of the earth, has not entered their thinking yet.

They are still debating the fact that war kills men. They can’t seem to grasp that idea yet.

Actually, by this reasoning, all the democrats owe every American soldier an apology for NOT understanding the world in which we live in.

The Democrats understanding the nature of man will probably happen when Anna Nicole’s body comes back to lie next to Marilyn Monroe.

By that time, we will be the New North American United Emeritus.

Capitol: Dubai.

Hey…you think that’s absurd? Who owns us now?

Nobody’s Perfect; Jimmy Carter is now going to war with worms in Africa. Iraq is not the worry he says. “Let’s not go to war on Iraq, but on third world Issues.”

He is now touring Africa and handing out free medicine to anyone who looks poor, sick, and black.

I think Jimmy should get together with Robin Williams...after all; Robin named his kid in his movie after Karl Marx, and Jimmy loves Marxists.

Jimmy could use a comedian sidekick. I think Judge Seidlin might go with him; he has enough tears to fill all the sickness in Africa and more. Sudan would be a good place for him to start.

Nobody Knows; Speaking of Africa…China now has flooded Africa with so many cheap products, that the poor people in Africa are losing jobs right and left due to the fact that they can’t compete.

The story here is that, we have been told all these years in our media that the African people have NEVER worked. They just kill each other in wars, and starve mostly.

Who knew they actually had jobs?

Nobody Cares; I am SO glad this week is over. If I see one more shot of Anna Nicole’s boobs, and that smile where she would sneer her upper lip, I think I might have gone out and blown up about 3 dozens balloons, painted nipples on them, and popped them with a small pin, after drinking about half a bottle of wine.

Wearing my best red lipstick, of course.

The worse came when they showed her on Neil Cavuto while everyone was taking about stocks.

Ben Stein was getting so horny he couldn’t keep on subject.

It was getting pretty annoying.

It getting pretty bad when you have to put boobs on shows about finance, but then again, now we only have Dolly Parton.

Who I am praying, actually outlives me.